That time in the Golden Wood proved to be a nightmare. Traversing Caradhras was bad enough in good conditions.Thankfully there were no storms, nor fresh snowfall. But Estarfin grew increasingly confused, so that Parnard and I took it in turns to lead him, lest he missed his footing. By the time we reached the eastern side of the mountain we were exhausted.
Of course it did not take long for a Lothlorien patrol to find us. Three elves, armed and leather armoured approached, and initially were planning on turning us away. Parnard was free to enter, but the rest of us were Noldor. Now the Lady Galadriel herself is of the Noldor, and several Noldorin Lords and Ladies at the least, are known to reside with her. Belegos was from Gondolin, and so likely tolerated. I could only think it was Estarfin and I who were the main problem.
‘Yes, I am a cousin to the Fëanorian Princes,’ I wanted to state proudly, and aloud. But Estarfin’s well-being was at stake. Fortunately for us, another member of our group knew one of the patrols, and spoke with him on our behalf. I had stood apart with Estarfin, who then began to talk about getting ready for training with Veryacano, as Parnard approached. He believed we were still in Imladris. We both knew he was very far from his normal self.
“Let us get him into the city, to keep him safe and better care for him,” my Wood-elf friend suggested. And so we did, resting close to a stream, with Parnard trying different concoctions to alleviate Estarfin’s condition. Goose fat smeared on the feet was one of Parnard’s favourite remedies at that time. He also tried a sleeping draught which he foolishly used himself.
Thankfully, the healer Elloen found us not long after. Well, he found me and the two fast asleep neri. Belegos and I watched and listened, as the healer set to work, but we both believed we were powerless in that situation. Elloen was not deterred by any strangeness. He made up a special concoction that included some herbs from the Lady’s garden, and water from her pool, then administered it to Estarfin while Belegos sat ready to restrain him at need. It was a good job he did. Estarfin tried to strangle me, believing in his delirium I was an enemy at his door. He tried to run from Belegos, but fell, knocking himself unconscious. When he awoke, it was over. Whatever had afflicted him was gone. For that short time he had forgotten who he was, what he had done, and had known a measure of peace. We all felt some guilt at forcing him out of his small haven, to face the darkness. I believed it was what he wanted…regardless, I could not grant him that sort of peace.
We rested for a few days, but when hale again, Estarfin was ready to move on, and more than ready to depart Lothlorien. When we left, Elloen came with us, knowing well our quest, and how likely a healer would be needed. So we travelled onwards, crossing the river and heading into Mirkwood. That part of the journey to Dol Guldur was most unpleasant, but Parnard led us safely through.
It was nigh mid-afternoon when Parnard arrived at the house, my wedding dress folded over one arm. He looked very pleased with himself. In truth, it was a beautiful dress, the likes of which I had not seen previously. Now I had had the dress for a few years, plain silvered-white it was, and of silken material. It flowed long, to the ground, and had no sleeves, perfect for midsummer. It was simple. It was, I thought, elegant. But I wanted it to ‘say’ something more. So I had asked Parnard if he could embroider it with a thread of gold? Silver and gold, for the two Trees, was my thought. He was a skilled tailor, when he wanted to be, and that dress was a masterpiece. He knew I was well pleased.
A short time later, Fearanë and Marawendi arrived, each carrying a large bunch of summer flowers to place in vases in the house, and a gold-leaf woven headdress they had made for me.
“We thought of making something for Lord Estarfin,” Fearanë said bluntly, “ But I believe he usually has leaves and whatnot in his hair anyway, so there would be no room.”
Marawendi tittered with embarrassment, and nudged Feanare lightly with an elbow.
“What? What? He has. You know it as well as I do.”
I frowned at them briefly, then laughed. “If Estarfin wants to wear a circlet, he will. Have either of you seen him, by the way?”
They both shook their heads. “We could go and look for him if you wish?” Fearanë asked.
“Nay. He is old enough to know what he is about. He will show up when he is ready.”
I was not worried as such, more surprised by his absence. I knew he would not miss his own wedding.
“Now, Marawendi, you had best get changed yourself. We have some hours yet, but will set off for Celondim at sight of the first star.”
“And I must get ready for the party,” Fearanë added brightly.
I empathized with her. Parnard had invited Marawendi to accompany him to the short ceremony. I was not happy that one of our ‘girls’ was left out. But Fearanë herself did not mind, and said she understood custom and celebration, and would hear all about it from her friend later.
And they left, Parnard to change into his finery, and the girls to give Filignil a last helping hand with the food, and to prepare themselves.
Once garbed in my gown, and with headdress affixed, I sat alone in my main hall. I gazed a lot at my beautiful clothing. It felt strange. I thought again on what being married would mean. For me, above all else, it meant I would never truly lose him again. We may be parted at times, even choose to be in different places - though I remembered the aftermath to our sojourn in Caras Galadhon, and that when he was truly himself again, he had said ‘he would go wherever I went, as I was a light to our people.’ I thought that far more praise than I warranted, but I knew that we would always find each other, even if it be in the Halls of Lord Námo. I knew, from records told us of the re-embodied in Aman, that no wedded couple could be kept apart against their wishes. There were many other reasons too that I wished to be wed, but it was that which brought my heart peace.
I also thought of the children we would likely not have. Oh, I knew his thoughts on the matter. The days we dwelt in were dark, with little to no promise for any who would not sail West. Now the purpose of marriage among we Eldar was to conceive and raise children. Very few did not fulfill this destiny. We were old, very old for our kind. But even now I believe we could have children if we wished. It would be unnatural of us not to want children. But I understood. Our people do not bring children into the world in times of trouble. We are permitted to wed, and some have done so while fleeing from one place to another. But no children. Both parents should be home to raise a child to adulthood and I would not bring a child into Middle-Earth under the present circumstances. And Estarfin would not take ship West. Neither, then, would I. It was a price I was willing to pay.
Just then Parnard returned, looking most gallant in his chosen attire. He had a smile on his face. “Estarfin is even now getting prepared,” he announced, doing a twirl for me so that I could better admire his new velvet suit of clothes. “He was resting by the gazebo at the lake.”
I looked up at my ‘cousin’. Ah, that made some sense. “He was asleep?” I asked.
“His eyes were closed. Resting, he said.”
I thought for a moment on Estarfin’s actions, that he had been working in his forge, then fallen asleep. Strangely enough, I wanted to laugh. Was he nervous? Could he possibly think that at this stage, I would change my mind? He knew me better than that.
“And he was covered from head-to-toe in dust and grime from the forge - but he is cleaner now.” Parnard chortled. “I assisted him.”
I wondered how that had gone, as Estarfin was possibly still disgruntled with Parnard regarding the matter with Naraal and the armour. “He was finishing the spears for Gaerion, then? Well, it is good he has had a bit of a rest now. He needs to be awake later.”
“Perhaps we shall call him ‘Estarfin the Unready’?” Parnard quipped.
At that moment Estarfin walked into the house, clean and garbed in a fine black and silver tunic over his armour. His wild hair was brushed and tied back in an effort to control it, though I could still see a couple of leaves. I smiled a warm greeting. I was very impressed. He stood tall, but looked just a little nervous as he made a polite bow to me. I curtsied in return. Neither of us were usually so formal, but at that time, it seemed right.
We completed our mission to Dol Guldur with few further complications. The lands were increasingly full of enemies the closer we drew to the place. We were all on guard, and only took turns to rest briefly. There was an evening when Estarfin, Belegos and I stood guard together, and Belegos began speaking of sailing West in the not too distant future. I agreed with him. In fact until that point I had envisaged the three of us, and possibly Parnard, all taking the same ship. But Estarfin frowned at the conversation. “I shall never sail West,” he proclaimed.
I looked at him, somewhat dumbfounded. I knew he struggled with having slain others of our kind. I did not know he felt himself so far beyond redemption? Or was it other than that? We both felt somewhat ‘disappointed’ in the Valar in their reactions to the flight of the Noldor. We both felt they had not protected Finwë, nor our kind when in Aman. To sail West implied we now trusted them; we did not, save a very few. Tintallë was beloved by both of us as one who watched over us in Middle Earth, and for my part I had always believed what had transpired, our taking to the Blessed Realm, was always opposed by Ulmo. No Sea-Elf I, but had regard for its master. But where did that leave a possible ‘us’?
“Not even when the last ship sails?” I had looked questioningly at him, hoping I somehow misunderstood.
He shook his head, and drew a sigh. “There is nothing there for me.”
‘Not even me?’ I thought with sorrow.
Belegos tried to reason with him. “If not for the Valar, what about family and friends?”
Estarfin was firm of will. He would not go. He also made no attempt to get me to stay. I was very troubled, and this was shortly before we entered the tunnels underneath that monstrous dark tower. For the first time I began to think that I would also remain. It did not come easily.
The actual battle I give little thought to these days. It was hard and fast at the time, but not something that stands out in my mind. We stole some black robes from servants of Sauron, who no longer needed them, and blended as well as five Elves could in a heart of darkness. We saw Nazgûl from a distance. If one had to see them, that was the best way. Through stealth, and Belegos’ swift bow, we gained access to the tower, and up the staircase to a mid-level room which seemed like a treasure store. (I would add here that Belegos, in facing Nazgul and others of the enemy, was redeeming himself in his thoughts for fleeing from Gondolin. No coward he, and one who had rescued others from the doomed city, yet he had long wrestled with his conscience.) There was a sense of dread throughout the whole ruined stronghold. It concerned me lest it reminded Estarfin of his encounter in Minas Elendúr. From a window in the wall, we saw two of the black steeds Nazgûl were said to ride standing ready in the courtyard below. We entered the supposed treasury, to a dark room lit by only two large candles. The air was noxious. There were several orcs and other servants who turned with looks of surprise, then rage. There was also a large, red robed Cargûl, a Castellan, who spoke seemingly to install fear. Then he took up something…he took up Urussë, and raced out the room.(1) Parnard and I followed him, as the others set to the rest of the group. Estarfin and Belegos, working together, wasted no time. Elloen was also chopping with his sword at the necks of orcs and men.
We heard a blood-curdling screech.
“After him, down that corridor,” I cried, swinging Sarphir at a new group of unhale creatures heading towards us. Then the Cargul turned into another room, for the tower was not overly broad at that point. Urussë, forged by my great-grandfather for one of his two daughters - my heirloom - it was nearly lost to the dark. I saw the Troll appear before Parnard, and I ran after the Castellan. I was not surprised by the vigour with which I brought down that servant of the Necromancer, but I was surprised I had abandoned Parnard. I remember little of our escape through the tunnels and sewers, save at one point Estarfin was running towards the exit with Parnard flung over his shoulder. My friend had paid the price for my desperation. Stunned, his bones broken by the Troll’s club, he was borne from that fell place by the strength of Estarfin. The cries of the Nazgûl echoed in our ears for a long time. It was far longer before I came to terms with my shameful action.
In due course we all returned to Lothlórien for a short rest. Estarfin was eager to move on, so we did, with Elloen coming with us back to Imladris. And life went on.
I do not know what happened between Estarfin and I after that. There were reports I needed to write, and folk I would speak to. But I did not spend the time with Estarfin that I should have. Parnard’s forgiving nature eventually smoothed the path for us to be friends again. But Estarfin...I saw him with another nis several times, one I believed he was mentoring. She spoke to me within a couple of weeks, and briefly, about how close she was with him. It shocked me. I thought perhaps it was best if I distanced myself, though it broke my heart. Thank the Valar that situation changed, though it brought both Estarfin and I nigh death to achieve.
