I am far from perfect. I make mistakes, I misunderstand certain things, I am likely to do so again, despite my best efforts. But never, never would I intentionally hurt him in any manner. It was not an oath I chose to make; it just was. When he had briefly but furiously wrecked the room, showing he still could not control his darkest of tempers, I wanted to reach out to him in spirit, urging him to overcome his mood.
Or perhaps that was part of where I went wrong? For in due course he would again have control. Might it not be that my best response was to tell him I was most sorry for my disrespect of him, and that I would depart for a short time (even as he told me if he were he riding away for a few days), and give him space to be who he was, knowing he would be more understanding thereafter?
I stood at the door of his room, arms folded as a shield of denial across my chest. I felt numb. It was the second time I had dragged myself there. It seemed almost as if I would torture myself, knowing I had caused this.
“You caused this, Lady Danel.”
I turned abruptly to see the burgundy clad Filignil on the landing. Sour faced to the extreme, she was mimicking my pose. I thought she had gone to bed a little earlier that night, but no.
I tore my gaze from the smashed window, the broken ornaments, vases and pictures, the cracked plaster on the walls.
I sighed. It would have been far worse had he not been in a hurry.
My eyes alighted on a small, headless figure of King Finwe. And then there were shards of glass, and soil from a plant kicked across the floor.
“I know, Filignil,” I replied truthfully. “Though I confess I thought you would be saying ‘I told you so’”.
My Housekeeper glared at me, surpassing her usual expression of disapproval. “I thought at first this was but a small matter between you both, but I see he can make an art form of it. I do not hold him blameless. Losshell told me true of what Estarfin….and Parnard could be like. But this..” She spread out her arms and turned half circle. “I had to see it to believe her. So swift; so much anger’
“So much pain,” I countered. “He is angry because he thought he could trust me….because finally at Midsummer we both knew…visiting his old home, we both knew…and then I brought Hildfrith here. I betrayed him.”
“Indeed you did. I tried to tell you when you dallied outside with her, eating and drinking as if there were no urgency. You knew he would be home. You knew he…ah…he is increasingly happy to see you. And there you were. ‘Welcome Lord, here is a woman I brought into our home, that we may aid her. Slay her not, I bid you.”
And Filignil was flush with a rare temper of her own. “That was ill done, Lady, and to one who has made himself vulnerable to you.” she tapped her foot impatiently. “If you had wanted a weak-willed, soft-spoken fop, who will put up with all manner of things. then you are assuredly looking in the wrong place.”
Again I cast my eyes over the beginning of chaos before me.
I knew. I wanted no passionless shadow, I wanted him.
And the image was in my mind of him in the far corner, swiping a table top clear of ornamentation, eyes darkened and haunted as he smashed a fist into the wall by the door and passed to take up his sword and shield. Oh, it had just been an instant, when I had gone to the house after the first sound of the window being broken. I had looked in, and immediately withdrew. There was my father again, in the Halls of Caranthir as Estarfin’s father struck him.”Look away daughter. Do not let him know you see his shame.”
I saw his ‘shame’ scattered across the floor. I saw my shame at what I had done to him.
“It is my fault, Filignil. I know what he can be like. I know he hates men. That is non–negotiable. What I do not know is why I did it?”
“He gave you three suggestions.”
“And none of them were correct,” I all but shouted at her in turn.
She smiled.
“That’s better, Lady. Show some fight. But to win back his trust, not to bring him further down.”
I straightened up, looking at her in some surprise.
“Make no excuses. You were wrong. Tell him. He has fallen to his temper, and is floundering at what to do. His newly-realised dream is tarnished, and he needs time. But he is honourable.”
“I have driven him awa…”
“No! Do you honestly think something like this will drive him from you? Do you so easily forget what our true Neri are like? “
I heard her words.
“I have not destroyed us?” Looking around the room again I could see it restored. Not that he would need dwell there longer unless he wished. The Hall set aside for him was nearly ready.
Filignil sighed. “Do you want me to fetch Lelyar? Do you need to hear truth from yet another of our folk?”
I shook my head. “Nay. He and Arnone are guests in this place, not overseers as they were at Tum Escale. Though I am sure he would speak wisdom, he has no duty so to do. Neither would I burden him with my folly.”
Putting a hand on my arm, Filignil nodded. Her expression was become a little less sour again. “Do not quail under difficulties. They strengthen us. You are of stronger blood than that. It is not as if you are a whey- blooded Secondborn.”
I sighed. I understood. And I would fight with all that was in me to make things right, though most of the battle be with myself. But a Secondborn…..”He will kill her.” I said plainly. “And that because she, a woman, stands before him, and also because he likely perceives her as the cause of the issue between us. If he kills her, there will be no more ‘issue’ between us.”
“I did not say he was perfect.” Filignil nudged my arm. “And he gave not pursuit alone. Parnard is with him, and will likely lead him a false path.” For the first time that day, she smiled. “Come, Lady, we shall take some wine in your room, and perhaps pack a few things, in case upon Lord Estarfin’s return it seems the wiser course for you to give him a little more time to think. But you know in your own heart, he will stand true, not flee. And I shall clear all this on the morrow.”
