A Finch's Journal: Entry 27

Dear Hawk,

I think I've earned my fair share of bruises today while sparring with Eduwiges. Not that I mind them really. I've gotten worse from sillier things. It is much harder to spar with someone who is not guiding me like Mister Dewitt is but I think I'm learning more. Eduwiges is still a little scary though. But, she means for the best, I think, so I like her well.

I've met Ahmo and I confess if I ever felt small around elf folk before, being around her made me feel like an ant. Much like Grandmother Enthan, she has so many years to her name that I can't even fully fathom it. I was told to call her Ahmo or Aunty like Lif does. I seem to be collecting a whole family of elves, don't I?

In the moments when I'm not doing or learning something, my thoughts wander to Lif. I remember when we first met. Do you remember? We two misunderstood each other almost completely. I remember looking at her made me feel sad for some reason. The more I understand her, the more I've come to know why I felt so sad. She told me things that I probably ought not to put in writing - not even here - since it was clear that they were personal. Instead, I'll keep those things to myself, right next to my heart. 

What can I do, Hawk? I don't want her to feel hopeless anymore. I don't want her to feel sad. But I am just me, though she told me not to say that. But it's true, I am just me. All I can seem to do is try to make her smile and let her know as often as possible that she is well loved. All I can do is try to be as strong as possible in the face of all this sadness and loss so she doesn't have to worry so much. It's like throwing her a piece of my heart and hoping that it is enough. I know you two didn't get along but I wish you were here to give me advice. You always had good advice.

And what am I to do to help Xanderian? Losing you was so hard on her. It still is, I think. She lost more than just a lover and friend. She lost a future of things that could have been. Anything she has left of that future will one day be gone too. What sort of cruel fate decided it was alright to show her a future with happiness only to take it away like this? She doesn't deserve any of this.

Again, I feel I am inadequate. But I can't not try. I have to stand on my own two feet, bite back the pain, and reach for the light at the end of it all while trying to pull them all along with me. Miss Addie, Xan, and Lif - I want them to know happiness again. I only hope that I don't stumble.

I don't quite know how to live in a world without you in it yet, Hawk. But I know you would want me to try. So, I will do you proud and give it all I've got.