I can't sleep tonight for some reason. Maybe I cried too much. Maybe it is all the thoughts swirling around in my head. Lif wasn't wrong when she told me that my world was about to get 'fairly messed up'. I'm not even sure where to begin pondering all this but I suppose I can take it all one thing at a time.
I am worried about Addie. Everyone is. She doesn't look or feel like herself. She seems distant and keeps secrets, even though she told me once that she didn't want there to be any secrets between us. She is working herself too hard and I don't think she sleeps as much as she should. Ha, here I am saying she doesn't sleep when I am also sleepless tonight. Figures.
I have promised myself to do my best and even more than that for her. After all the kindness she has showed me, how can I not? No matter what she might think of herself right now, or whatever is telling her otherwise, she is one of the best people I have ever met. After everything she has already gone through, she deserves to be happy, don't you think? So, I won't let her destroy herself if I can help it. I already failed to let you know and see how wonderful you were. I don't want to fail her too.
I really do have so much work to do. Everything may still hurt but I am determined not to let my own pain get in the way of doing what I must. Can I bear all that on my own? Do I have the strength for that? Even if I don't, I will have to, won't I?
Something Lif said today got me thinking. I don't like making much of myself because I feel that there's not much to that is truly that noteworthy of admirable in the big picture of things. That is not to say that I don't like myself. I like the person I am very much. I don't want to be anything other than who I am. Grams once told me that I walked out the door each morning like I had the whole world at my fingertips. She also said I could do with a little humility. She really did raise me up proper and I'll never forget everything she taught me. But, the way Lif said it, made it sound like she thought that maybe there is something of me that is noteworthy or admirable. That in the midst of all these things I don't fully understand, I still have a place and a role in them. Well, she said it like she always says everything. That's something I like about her.
I was flattered and honored to hear her say that. It meant more than I think I could have properly said. But is it really okay to make much of myself? Is it really okay to think that maybe being just myself is worthwhile to someone else? It is so much easier for me to make much of others because I see so much that is good in them.
I remember when I first saw you in the Prancing Pony, playing music. Right then, I just knew that you had a very good heart in you. And the more I spoke with you, the more I was absolutely certain of it. It was a true honor to love you, Hawk. It is going to hurt more than anything to let you go. But not yet. I am not quite ready for that.
I think writing to you like this for now helps a little bit. There's still a lot to think about. Getting you justice, helping everyone out, getting stronger, avoiding Eduwiges' ire - she is really scary when she wants to be! Maybe I'll take a page from Xan's book and go sit under one of those great big trees. I know Xan says the one called Tuile is her favorite but I think I feel a strange sort of peace when I stand under Endien, the one that's closest to your room. I don't know why, though. I should ask Xan more about them.
[There is a bit of a space here before the words continue again.]
Oh, Hawk! I sat under this tree here and then I remembered the gifts Lif gave me today and started laughing like a loon! I don't know where she got the idea to make the lining of the armor pink. How am I ever going to wear it without laughing myself silly whenever I think about it? Best gift ever! Goodness, I hope this tree doesn't think I'm being disrespectful...