(Music listened to while writing this particular entry: https://youtu.be/y7e-GC6oGhg)
I have sat and stared at this empty page for hours. Every time I felt close to having something to say, it didn't feel right. It is better to be silent than to say the wrong thing. Isn't it?
Sometimes I despise this part of myself. That which holds my tongue so tightly. Only letting the right words come forth. Whatever is proper, and kind, and polite. Never trouble another with your own faults and shortcomings. They are my own burden to bear. Aren't they?
Firithain said otherwise. I know others would say the same. Share your burdens, Brynleigh. Don't be afraid to speak things. Don't hold it all in.
And yet I do.
It is difficult to write through tears.
What am I so sorrowful for? Is this some long withheld grief for my husband? It has never ended. How I wish it would leave me! A lingering thought still in the back of my mind. That I should have died, too. That it is wrong to be here without him. That I wasn't meant to live without him. And that I will never find peace until I join him in death.
And then I feel so terribly ungrateful for these thoughts. I am safe, and healthy. Able-bodied and whole of mind. I have friends. Skills I can use to help others.
Why am I a shell of a person? Smiling and helpful and polite on the outside. Broken and lost and shattered on the inside.
I should not sit here in the dark and brood so much. Even the moonlight feels sad tonight as it pours in the window.
I have trouble remembering what it was like before I loved so deeply. I don't remember how I moved through the world so casually, so carelessly. When you pledge your soul to another...I suppose it changes something within you. Something fundamental. Something you cannot take back. Even if they leave you. You are still just half of a broken whole. There is no way to repair such a thing.
I know these thoughts will pass. I hope they will. I pray they will.
Gamferth surely doesn't know how terribly fractured his companion is. What would he think if he did? He is such a warm, jovial soul. He deserved better company on this journey. Though, he seems happy enough... perhaps I am being too hard on myself. As I always am.
I miss you so...my darling...
Please let the sunrise come soon. The darkness is no balm tonight. It brings thoughts of sleeping eternally. A quiet, deep, peaceful sleep...
Think of something else, Brynleigh.
I spoke long with Crow the other evening. Have I already written this? I cannot remember. My mind is scattered and blurry tonight. I wonder if we will be of any help to him in his search for this man. Yes, I will help. A sad lump of a soul I may be tonight, but it will pass. It must pass.
I find his company pleasant and calming. A curious observance, since I know him little. But I sense no guile on his part. Perhaps that is something I crave in others. A sort of permission to be...not all right.
No one likes a moping girl. I hear my mother's voice in these words.
I miss it so much. The feeling of strong arms. Feeling so safe. So loved. So whole...
I don't know why Aeruthuil's visit brought all of this to the surface. I know he has suffered great loss in the years before I knew him. He has seen me suffer the same. I think he hopes for a candor that I don't know how to give him. He would see me be open and free with my thoughts, but how can I be? No one would want to hear these thoughts. Even I don't want to hear them. They are embarrassing and shameful.
I am, of all women, most pitiful.
How I wish the dawn would come.
