“I would not make a prisoner of you, no matter your words?” Estarfin had said to me, when we were still in the Caverns in the cliffs, partaking of wine and food with Parnard.
I had been asking both he and Parnard to help me resist the sea longing when it came upon me again. “Distract me, shut me in my work room with gems and metal that I may craft my way through the affliction. Under no circumstances let me take ship, for those actions would not be from my heart, not my true wish.”
Both neri had appeared concerned, alarmed even. Neither had any intention of preventing me from sailing, seeing it as being my wish at that time. And what I had desperately wanted from them that eve was to understand that when the sea longing was upon me, I was likely not in my right mind. In my right mind, I would only take ship when all hope was lost, every forest burned, every stronghold brought low. It would never be me, if I asked on a whim.
They did not understand. Neither of them.
And Estarfin was not going to let the matter of ‘not making me a prisoner’ drop. Indeed, he seemed to have taken it to heart.
Now after wine and food, and some discussion, Parnard left us saying he had a heavy head. He had drunk rather a lot. He was intending to return to ‘The Mariners' Rest’, and would see us in the morning. I thought it would give me chance to speak with Estarfin again, that perhaps he would see my point of view?
“I treated him so poorly” I said to Estarfin as we watched Parnard depart. “I must not do so again.”
“How so?” Estarfin questioned, his expression still most serious as he finished off his wine.
“He bore the brunt of my nonsense.” I tried to catch Estarfin’s gaze, but as through the whole of the evening, he was not forthcoming, but more distant than of late.
He looked up at the stone ceiling as though he heard me not. He wants the stars, I thought, knowing him as I did. I rather wanted them too….and the reassurance of Tintalle.
“I told him I would leave, even when he implored me to stay…”
Still were Estarfin’s eyes fixed on the ceiling.
“Shall we go back above ground and walk outside for a short time?” I suggested, thinking it the only way to break the present mood.
He looked to me then, and nodded. “It was beyond your control, do not think poorly of yourself.”
So we left the table, some wine still undrunken. We walked past a couple of groups of Falathrim, who again moved away. Well, we had toasted King Feanor. Their behaviour was not unexpected. Up the stairs and along the tunnel we walked side by side, though in silence, until we were in the open air again, with a myriad of bright stars overhead.
“The stars always improve matters,” I said, drawing a deep breath of the cool night air.
He smiled at me, as he did a lot of late, that my concern was temporarily assuaged. He looked at peace.
We walked on the grass, a short distance from the harbour walls, till we came upon a view point with a small grove of trees, thin and wind bent, but still beautiful. I looked to the stars, and called on the Star Kindler for her help.
“I did not mean for you to lock me in a prison you know. And of course I did not expect you to physically restrain me. I know you would never do that.” I began my attempt to clarify my earlier words.
Estarfin looked away from the stars, and to me, that I did likewise to him.
“I meant what I said. I would not make a prisoner of you. Neither by word or deed,” he said.
I wondered what he meant. ‘Word or deed?’ I broke our gaze and lowered my eyes.
“I will not sail. I only accept I must at the end out of respect for you.”
He turned away, as if not wanting to hear that. I did not understand.
“If I say I do before that time, then it is the sea-longing bearing down on me, and not my own mind. I will not break my word to you. Neither will I leave you. This is my home now, by my choice.”
Estarfin turned back a little. “Your path is your own to choose.”
I nodded. “That is all I ask you to understand.”
“I have always understood that,” he said.
“And I have chosen.”
He looked confused. His attention was on me again.
“If I distressed you by my words earlier this evening, I am sorry. I am myself again.”
He shook his head, but oh…something was wrong. ‘Lady of the Stars, keep clear my wits,’ I offered a swift call.
He shook his head, but looked down at the grass.
Now for it, I thought. I would know what ailed him…what I began to fear ailed him.”We each may choose as we will, do as we will, but it is my hope we two oft choose to be together.”
“I am glad we spoke of this evening,” he said.
I continued, only seeing him and feeling a terrible sickness rise in me…I had to press on.
“I would not hold you to Numenstaya, nor hinder your life, but neither would I choose to be without you. And I am calling on Tintalle even now to help.”
He nodded slowly.
“I think she watches over us. A foolish thought perhaps.”
“It is not foolish to hope,” he said softly. Then he tilted his head slightly. “What do you hope for?”
My heart was pounding. “Now? What I hope for now is that you have not actually become distant, as it feels, but are maybe just preoccupied?”
He was silent for a moment, thinking by the look of him. Then he spoke, “I am troubled in my heart by words and realisations. Perhaps I dreamed for too long?”
I raised my eyes, watching him.
“I sought answers here, and perhaps I have found them. Perhaps…” Again his eyes were on the stars.
“I do not understand what is wrong? You may have dreamed too long?” I said.
He sighed. “Then I will speak plainly. These past months, the Midsummer dance, all of it. It has seemed like a dream, a memory of the joy of youth.”
“Yes, to me also,” I interjected.
“I know it cannot last, yet I wish it could.” he said.
“ And why can it not last, in one form or another?” The passage of time changes even us, be it but slowly. But we could build such memories….
Estarfin shook his head slightly.
“We have now what we long ago lost.” I protested, unsure of why he was so despondent.
”Yet it is the last star of night before dark clouds cover the sky. It cannot last, and I would not bind you to…” he tried to explain, but shook his head.
I began to see. I began to think this could be turned around.
“It is nigh midnight for our people in Middle Earth, but there are still years ahead when we may live and love as we should have long ago. I understand we do not have ‘forever’, but I thought to truly live each one of the years we have left. And what would you not bind me to…what if that is the very thing I chose …or do my thoughts matter not?”
Estarfin shook his head in denial. “Of course they do. But it is not years, not from what I hear. I do not believe we shall see another summer before war comes.”
That made things more difficult. But not impossible.
“There is a war brewing, many do say. And it be unavoidable. And that should stop us from living? I would think we should live all the more? We are not slain until it happens.”
Estarfin looked frustrated, but not with me.
“Folk are still together, in times of war. It has been known for folk to be wed at such times, though without ceremony. Save for the bringing of children into the world, little changes.”
He ran a hand through his hair. I could sense a conflict within him.
“If there be war, then I still choose to be with you while I may. Though of course in war there is more likelihood of being slain…that has always been the way. You wish me to stand aside because we could die?”
“I only see what will come after,” he said pointedly.
‘Mandos’, I thought. This is the root of it? We shall be separated at death? “You think we cannot prevail?” I asked.
He shook his head.
“I think it will be hard fought. But I am not certain all will fail. The Lady still holds power in the Golden Wood. Mirkwood, though under duress, will fight as only the Wood Elves know how. They are no cowards. Imladris and Mithlond will do their part.”
Estarfin moved a step towards me, he was so tense he was nigh shaking with frustration. “I see nothing but defeat,” he said. We cannot withstand him, not now. What little strength Men had is gone. I would not have you bound to a shadow, a memory, through the long ages of the world to come.”
And finally he had said it. And I understood. He was thinking of marriage. For some reason it did not take me by surprise. And was it not what I truly wanted, though I had hidden behind a façade that just being close was enough?
Estarfin knew, if we wed, I would be bound to him until the end. He thought that I would be alone here, unable to wed another, and alone if I did sail to Valinor, for I knew already he held no hope he would be returned to physical life. Yet again would he protect me. But it was not in a way I found acceptable.
“And what about what I would have?” I said, growing firmer of tone.
“I would not make a prisoner of you,” he repeated.
“Nor I of you.” I did not see marriage as a prison, regardless of life or death.
He shook his head again.
“But neither war nor doom will stop me loving you.”
“What do I have to fear,” he replied. “What do I have to lose? It is not the same.”
I did understand his argument, but I thought it flawed. I thought it…..did not truly take me into account. “As I stand here am I not already become a shadow? You will take away from me my choice, all that gave me meaning in these days, all hope, all joy. To what end? That I do not suffer loneliness in the future?” I faced him, I did not want to argue with him, far from it. But to me he was ruining both our lives. “If this is what you truly want, then you must do it. I cannot stop you.” I hurt. I wanted this day not to be.
And then he snapped! “It is not what I want!”
I took an involuntary step back, so firm was his tone.
“What I want is to be selfish, to spend the remaining days in joy, forgetting what is to come.”
And a small light was rekindled in me, that I knew he wanted the very same as I. Somehow he had taken onboard the notion of being bound to him trapping me, when to me it would be no trap. I had to explain.
“How is that selfish, to want joy? All the more reason to seek it out, with the darkness pressing around us. We have been denied joy in the past, do not toss it aside so easily now. You look to doom and failure, I look to the sparks of light we could build upon. I thought we would fight a little harder for what we have….Am I asking you for children? Nay, though I would happily bear them, I am not so heartless as to bring any child into our world as it now is. I ask for there to be an ‘us’.”
He was looking pale and drawn. He said, ”Then I give you the choice. A year, at most. That is all the time we have left. Would you trade that for any chance of companionship, or having a family before the breaking of the world?”
I thought how could that even be if we only had a year? But I said, “What companion, what family? You have seen my heart. There is no one else but you. There never has been. And you will fight, and you may fall, though I deem you underestimate your skills. And so may I fall, and so may many others of our folk, and the other races. We all face the choice.”
Estarfin shook his head sadly. I saw a tear running down his face and I so desperately wanted to stop this. To show him there was still hope, no matter what he thought.
“No they do not,” he said.
“How not? If we have but a year, then so do many of them?”
“Yet what is there to fear for them? The Naugrim will return to the stone together. Men will leave this world. I do not know what their fate is.”
I did not want to grieve him like this. Was it worth paining him to make my point? I could not falter. He wanted the same things as I did, he was just too noble of spirit to accept the cost for me. But it was my choice to make.
“And our folk,” he continued, “The hope of sailing to peace, or of leaving Mandos early, and newly clothed.”
“But not for us,” I stated. “We remain here until slain, or faded, and then we both return to Mandos for judgement and whatever may follow.”
“And when slain, there shall be no return for me from Mandos.” Estarfin stated.
“Think not I would accept reclothing if you must remain. I will remain also. I know what being with you will cost.”
“And I say again, I would not make a prisoner of you, I should not be so selfish, despite my heart wanting it.”
I heard him. I heard what he truly wanted, and I made my mind up.
“You cannot make a prisoner of someone who freely and knowingly walks into a cell. They are their own person making their own choice. I know we may die. I know not what Namo Mandos may do, but I assume the worst, as you do. In truth, I think he may be more lenient than you suspect. I freely choose to spend whatever life I have with a kinslayer, who is so much more. I freely choose you. So be it.”
Estarfin was silent for a few moments, then he nodded and took my hands in his. “So be it.”
“If our King was not cowed, then why should we be,” I said softly, longing to be close to him then, but knowing it better I let him be. “I am not cowed. I do not think you are either.”
Estarfin ran a hand over his face, looking pale and tired.
“I did not mean to press you so, but know I would choose a day with you, rather than an eternity without. But we should rest. It has been a long day.”
Estarfin nodded.
“Back to the tavern, and we ride home in the morning?”
He was watching the clouds over the harbour, but it felt like all the disharmony was gone, He was as he had recently been again.
“I will tarry here awhile, then I will join you.” he said.
“As you wish,”
I headed slowly, tiredly, back to the main street, and the steps that would take me to my rest. I was concerned for Estarfin, but we had come to an agreement, and though I suspected he still felt he was imprisoning me by any thought of marriage, he would come to understand.
And I needed to rest. I had thoughts to pursue, not the least being my knowledge from several scrolls and discussions some years past that, though an unhoused spirit is solitary by nature, yet if it is in the presence of another it loved when clothed, it may turn to it.
Alone in the Halls of Mandos? I thought maybe not if we took our chance soon.
