How often have I had a night like this? Where my body is so utterly exhausted that all I want and seek is sleep! And yet, something will keep replaying in the back of my mind, around and around, no matter how I try to quiet and still my thoughts.
I long for another ride over the fields beside Gamferth. I miss our days together, talking when we wished, and keeping comfortably silent in between. I do not miss sleeping in the rain or worrying about the Wild Men coming for us. But just to take a little sortie to Edoras, perhaps. He has such a calm, warm presence, and my soul is in great need of calm tonight.
Aeruthuil much occupies my thinking, of course. He confounds me greatly. Do I really know him at all? He speaks words of flattery and what would seem like affection. Yet, in the next moment he grieves for his wife, his lost children, and says he is as bewildered as I am about...everything. I don't know how to be friends with him. I wish I did. A shortcoming of mine, perhaps, that I would like to love and comfort and heal every broken person I encounter. But then, I cannot even heal myself. I thought perhaps that something had sparked within me. Now, I don't know what to call the thing that I felt, or the things that I feel. But it is better to be safe, I think. Even though he would tell me to throw aside my reservations and live freely for once. Just once. Just once in my life. Could I, even if I wanted to?
And then I turn around and find Baldmar standing behind me in the streets of Grimslade. He appears and vanishes like a ghost. I feel that our conversations are never as long as I wish them to be. I think he knows me far better than I know him, and I would wish to change this. After all, I am the one with my heart on my sleeve, no matter how I try to conceal it. Where is his heart? Surely, it doesn't consist solely of roaming the wilds and slaughtering orcs. I hope I can know him better one day.
I have thought about sending a letter to Cesistya in Bree. Finding someone traveling so far, and willing to carry a letter all those long leagues, may be a challenge. She is the thing I miss the most about the north. I miss her calm voice, her gentle face, and the sweet purity of her friendship. I would like her to know just how much I miss her.
I have not seen Saexwyrd for some time. I don't know what brings him to my mind just now. Curious man. Perhaps if I visit the Mead Hall, I might run into him one day when he comes to fetch his daughter.
And still no word from Crow. His absence needles at the back of my thoughts. Perhaps we were naive in some way, to think that we could be of any use or importance in his endeavors. Perhaps he is not who I would like to think he is. Perhaps some darker intentions cloaked his friendly words. And yet, I have seen kindness in his actions. I know I have. No one can tell me otherwise. And that leaves me to worry for his sake. These lands are, after all, wide and perilous. I pray that patience is all that is required to find out his fate, be it tomorrow or a year from now.
And now, I face a choice. Sit here and ramble all night long, half awake by the light of my candle, or lay down again and try to sleep.
