It is very early yet. Dawn is still some way off, and all is dark beyond the windows of my little room. My sleep has been fitful since the unsettling dream I had a few nights ago. But work and duty will not take a rest for my sake, and so I must gather myself and what strength I have, and get on with things.
I will try to finish my stable chores early, so that I can be on the road with plenty of daylight left to spare. I can always press Jack into a gallop if I find myself short on time, though a relaxed ride is much more pleasant, for myself and for him. I am endeavoring not to feel anxious about this reunion, and I am failing. Even with my northern husband no longer at my side, I fear there will be some form of disapproval about something, one way or another. It is not in my nature to be so cynical, and I don't enjoy these thoughts. But experience has been my teacher with regard to my father and mother. I doubt that they have had some gentle revelation in the past year that will tempt them towards a softer affection for their daughter. Yet, there is always hope. Foolish and futile hope.
The letter has been left for Crow, though he has not yet shown his face. I wonder now if he hasn't gone on his way to seek the man himself. He did make it rather plain that he did not especially need or seek any aid, though it was offered. I tend to hold men true to their words, however, and not seeing him as he promised doesn't sit well with me. I worry that something has gone wrong. I pray that I am mistaken and worrying for nothing.
Aeruthuil's words lay heavy on my mind. As heavy as a yoke upon a plowhorse's shoulders. Why must he place this on me? Why now? What am I to do with it? Never mind my feelings! It is what I fear that is the obstacle. The insurmountable wall that cannot be breached! I cannot...
I don't want to believe that I am cursed. Even if every evidence from childhood to this moment points to it. Aimless, wandering, ever denied love. What selfish thoughts these are! To think of my own loneliness when there are greater and darker threats looming for my countrymen. Selfish...selfish.
Such blackness in this soul. Gods, how I feel it festering. How perfectly I know how to conceal it.
It will not conquer me.
Post Script: If only you had taken me to the grave and ended me when I was still a shining light of joy and love and perfect contentment...damn you for leaving me here to fall...
