I have lain upon the soft, opulent rugs of the Library in Bree for hours now, until at last the tears have abated. I must complete these short notes and see to business. However the pain is so very great...when last I took shelter in this beautiful hall, so much was different. So much has happened in just a few short months. So much has been lost.
Perhaps if I write the words the events will seem more real.
Unable to bear the dread of constant pursuit by agents of her Father, even once she had allowed them to drive her out of Bree, my dear Fillegedhiel has left me behind, taking refuge in the halls of the Dwarves of Thorin's Hall to master her forging craft, along with her kindly mentor. Even as I pen these words I can still scarecely believe it. We tearfully parted on the banks of Lake Evendim...a final embrace and promises that our oaths of life long friendship would stand this separation and then, after making her sorrowful farewells to Cyndwin, she was gone. At first I held fast to her assurences that she would one day return to my side, but I have felt the truth in Heartbreaker's keening visions...I fear I have seen the last of my Fille in this world. I am not acccepting of this fact, but I have at least accepted that there is nothing I can do to change it.
However before I had been able to truly accept Fille's departure, let alone begin to confront my bereavment, I was faced with another cruel blow. My Lady Arahen, due to the requirements of clan and diplomacy, could tarry in Ered Luin no longer...though she could not bring herself to renounce my service, it was clear from the tone of her farewells that she feared now that many of the promises she had made unto me, and I to her, would be impossible to keep as the world changed around us, speeding to transition. I accepted this stoically, as such is the lot of a soldier...but it wounds deeply nonetheless. So much so that even the Banshee did not allow herself to gloat over the fact that her sisterly warnings concerning the Noldar had come, at least in a small way, to pass.
And so it came to be that suddenly, in the space of a few short days, my beloved Cyndwin of Rohan and I were alone...a sisterhood of two. Truly I do not think I would have been able to bear the lonliness and grief were she not by my side, she who has become so very dear to me. My Horsemistress.
In the days since we travelled beyond Evendim I have aided my Cyndwin in setting up permanent lodgings with myself and Xandilif in the House of Three Graces and guided her through the depths of Moria (with many stories yet to be told of that ordeal) and into the light of Lothlorien, though I found that as I feared, I was none too welcome in the forested halls of my betters.
Now she prepares herself to face the challanges in Enedwaith with the Gray Company and I am anxious to ease her path amongst the rangers who I view as my brothers.
I have had infequent sendings from Xandilif, but I know she has answered the summons from the Host of the West which I have been attempting to ignore, and followed the road of hope into the most vile darkness beyond the Black Gate, in service of the King. Elbereth herself cannot guess the horror she will behold, but part of me truly pities the Enemy if they come face to face, especially if she is sober. However the Banshee will no doubt tell her own tale.
For now, I must get to my feet and go out once again into the uncertain haven of Bree, though so many of the faces I once knew here are gone, as gone as my Fille, raven haired daughter of Dol Amroth. It is as if generations of Men have passed in a blink of my eye. Thankfully there are some few that I had hoped so very much to see upon returning to Bree, such as my Urchin, the manchild called Hawke. In truth I think I turned my restless step back to Breeland specifically to see if he yet lived. I found him a bit older and broader but just as I remembered him...brash and angry and insolent and passionate about all things. It has been good to spend time with him again.
And now my time of reverie must end, so these are all tales I will pen soon enough. Cyndwin awaits me and we must decide her path to glory, and which road will take us most quickly to Rohan and the clensing of her name in the Halls of her Fathers.
Much has indeed been lost...yet much has been gained too, and more still to come as long as we do not let our hope and fellowship falter. May Elbereth grant me the strength not to fail those I love any more than I already have.
