Then did we do as so it was as was to be done and did ride from Edoras with the host of the Rohirrim. Mighty and glorious was the host as they rode forth to war, to fell deeds, and to the defence of Gondor! Shining was our steel in the shiny sun, and our banners rippled in the wind when the wind blew, which was sometimes, and even as we went did we
Then we remembered that we hadn’t killed Aruman the White yet, so we turned around and quickly went to Isengard to do that.1
And so we rode, and as we rode we sang, and as we sang our hearts grew glad, and as we were gladdened we did think ahead to the great deeds to be done, and then were we saddened and afeared at the thought of death and sorrow, and as we thought of this death we spoke among ourselves in low voices upon our plans, and we spoke as we rode, except when we stopped to have something to eat or when we went to sleep. And then we rode again, and then we slept, but we ate something in between, and then we rode, and thus did we come even unto Isengard, which is called Orthanc in the tongue of the strange Rohirrim people’s language.2
We walked around for a bit, trying to decide how to get in. Then I said to Princess Éowyn, ‘Could you use your magic to get us in?’
And the Princess Éowyn flirted, ‘Yes, of course!’
Then she turned around and said a magic witch word, and the walls fell down! Everyone cheered.
But alas! maybe even so it was so as it was that they did cheer too soon, maybe! For within the walls was Saruman’s army, of orcs and men and elves, and even worse. Do not blanch, gentle reader, when I tell you of the horror that we did behold, the wicked evil of nastiness that the White Wizard had recruited even unto his stronghold, the mighty foes that did gnash their teeth and grin at us as we attacked and they attacked back.
‘Oh no,’ shouted Princess Éowyn in a high and shrilly fearful tone, the wind blowing in her fair hair and her bosom heaving maidenly. ‘Giants!’3
With a shout of ‘CHARGE!’ all the Rohirrim charged in on their horses, which they were riding, as they always do on occasion of war. Mr Elessar and his Rangers all hid behind trees and rocks and trees, shooting arrows and stabbing enemies in the back and making a nuisance of themselves. I, of course, was at the head of the vanguard’s forefront, and did charge in with my sword swinging.
Straight away, I killed a goblin with a mighty swordstroke, and then spun around and chopped another goblin into tiny pieces, also with my sword! Then I swung my sword and killed three men, ruffians who died even as they were slain by me, and my sword. I ran about a bit, killing more people with my sword, and goblins and an elf or two, also with my sword. Then I killed a giant, even to death did I slay him by cutting his legs off and then stabbing him in the heart when he fell over because he did not have any legs any more, because of me and my sword fighting.
With a mighty bellow, the chief of the giants, a fell and fearsome foe, charged at me! As he ran, he swung his club, and with a single blow he squashed a dozen Rohirrim! Oh no! Then he raised his club again, this time aiming it for the beautiful Princess Éowyn, who screamed in frightful terror! Quickly, I jumped up and stabbed him in the eye with my sword, and then swung my sword again and chopped off his giant head! His body fell over and squashed a cruel elf even to death, and also Princess Éowyn was fine!
‘Hurrah for Lord Tallow!’ cried all the Rohirrim, as they kept on fighting all of Sauroman’s army, and also I kept on fighting too, with my sword.
Then a few minutes later we had killed the whole army, and were standing outside the Tower of Isengard. It was very tall, and black, and made out of some black rock, with magic or something.
‘How shall we get in, hmm?’ asked King Théoden decrepitly.
Fortunately, I had an idea. ‘I have an idea,’ I said, and told them my idea. ‘Mr Elessar, use your Ring to open the door, for it has much power and is also magic.’
Mr Elessar pointed the Last Ring at the door of the tower, and in a mighty voice, he said a magic spell.
Dar fys ma vel gom co palt 'hoc, pys go iskili far maino woc!4
Immediately the Last Ring glowed with a glowing light, and also the door opened up! I glanced at the face of Mr Elessar as everyone ran into the tower. His face was pale, haggard and tired, as if he was slowly coming to accept the power that he bore, yet remained not wholly not unwilling to accept his destiny and become King of Gondor, yet also did he seem to be considering it, and realising at last the mighty lineage to which he was heir, and which if he accepted it, would be in no small part thanks to all my help with helping him realise he is King and has the Last Ring. That, in any case, was how his face looked as we went in to the tower of Isengard.
‘Sauraman, show yourself!’ I cried.
Then the White Wizard showed himself, he had been hiding behind the door! Quickly I raised my sword to kill him, but instantly he cast a spell! In an instant I, and all the Rohirrim, stood frozen, unable to move.
‘Muahahahaha,’ laughed Sarmuan evilly. ‘So, Lord Tallow, we meet at last for the first time. But this will be the last time we meet, I reckon! Now I’ll kill you all and escape!’
Oh no! What could we do?
But Saurman had not quite frozen everyone. There, running up the steps, drawing the ancient sword of the Kings of Gondor, was Mr Elessar, protected by the Last Ring! With a cry, he heroically attacked the evil wizard, who turned around and ran away, but not fast enough! With great valour, Mr Elessar stabbed him from behind, and thus was the ancient prophecy fulfilled:
The King of Gondor’s sword shall slay,
The wicked wizard who runs away.5
And this was one of the prophecies that made it clear to everyone that Mr Elessar was indeed the right King, even though he himself still doubted it.
Anyway, there was the evil Aurman, dying on the floor of his tower. But as he lay there dying as he bled to death, he looked up, and laughed. ‘Hahahahaha,’ he said, ‘I may indeed perish, but just you wait! Just you wait until you see what I’ve sent to Gondor! Yes, yes, this is just the beginning for me! Hahahahahahaha!’ And so he died, which was a relief.
Then we went around, freeing all the slaves and prisoners and good folk kept in Isengard, and many did weep for joy because we had saved them from their terrible lives. One, Gríma of Rohan, did embrace me, weeping happy tears of merriment, and thanking me for saving him and his mean old father.6 ‘It was but the right thing to do and my duty,’ I said nobly with heroic spirit.
Then we all left, really going to Gondor this time, to stop the Corsairs and Mordor and everything. But as we went, the White Wizard’s evil last words rang in my ears. What mischief awaited us in Gondor, I wondered? Had Mithrandir, the brother of Suarman who I met a few chapters ago, betrayed us? Nay, I thought, for Mithrandir had seemed like a decent chap. What, then, could he have been speaking of? Maybe I’d find out later? And strange and unbidden, memory of Boromir the Valiant came to my mind, who had been killed a few days ago. All these heavy thoughts weighed heavily on my mind as we left Isengard, and really went off to Gondor this time.
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1 This entire chapter forms one of the clearest pieces of evidence in support of my presumption that Nick Tallow had little clear plan or direction in forming his tale, rather inventing his lies as he saw fit. Given Tallow’s occasional and clumsy use of foreshadowing, he clearly had certain narrative occasions he planned to fulfil, but it seems exceedingly unlikely to me that any real thought went into Tallow’s fiction beyond the superficial.
2 It is not.
3 Presumably a conflation on Nick Tallow’s part with the Ents that assaulted the Ring of Isengard and laid Saruman’s designs to ruin. Given Tallow’s extraordinarily sketchy grasp of Rohan’s role in the War of the Ring, it is to be assumed that he never heard more than scattered rumours concerning the Ents and their coming to Isengard, and so elected to feature them in his fiction for the sake of heightening the action – to the best of his limited ability.
4 Unlike Tallow’s previous rendering of “magic” words in meaninglessly parroted Sindarin, this phrase appears (to the best of my learning and research) to be sourced from no known tongue of Elves, Men, or any known folk living or perished. It is, in short, some nonsense contrived by Tallow for the sake of including a “spell” to command the Ring by.
5 No such prophecy is attested. Even if it were, King Elessar did not slay the fallen Saruman, who met his end at the hand of Gríma who was called Wormtongue in the far distant Shire of the Hobbit-folk.
6 It can be taken as a certainty, given Tallow’s clear unfamiliarity with the Ring of Isengard and Rohan’s history during the War of the Ring, that he never actually came to Orthanc or knew much of what transpired in Isengard. This, then, makes Tallow’s brief inclusion of a character in Orthanc named “Gríma” extraordinarily incongruous, given the existence of the historical Gríma Wormtongue. It is, to be sure, not a wholly unlikely Rohirric name for Tallow to have included by chance, and so might be no more than strange coincidence. Yet this explanation is to me unsatisfactory. However, if Tallow did know anything at all of the real Gríma Wormtongue, it makes little sense (especially given Tallow’s pattern of only presenting himself in alliance with heroes of the War of the Ring) to here include him as being a pitiable victim of Isengard. I can come to no satisfactory conclusion to explain this, alas, and can but hope that some future scholar may happen upon further information concerning this brief episode.
