I reached out a hand tentatively. Parnard had said Estarfin must dance, but Estarfin would do exactly as he determined, not any other. I saw the move to decline, even as I offered my hand to him. I saw the change in his eyes as he understood. And he reached forward, taking my hand in his as he pushed himself to his feet. Parnard did not know our customs of old. Why should he? He did not know of our proprieties, at least not those more specific to us than to the Eldar in general. Then again, never had asking someone to dance been restricted, unless forbidden by parents. Or by a Prince? I remembered as I led Estarfin to the side of the lake, that day at Amon Ered when Caranthir had banished him.
“No title shall you have except Ehtyar. And no Lordship shall you hold over any of my household.” our Prince had said in barely restrained wrath at Estarfin leading a charge of Thargelion's armoursmiths out of Barad Eithel. He had lost them all, save Forodhir, and that was a serious loss to our people and our trade.
Many had been astonished, thinking the return of Estarfin and Forodhir a good thing nonetheless, though none would challenge our Prince over exiling Estarfin.
Well, none save I.
Estarfin and Forodhir had departed and the meeting dispersed. But I was seething with anger. After fearing Estarfin lost in the Dagor Bragolach, then seeing him very much alive, I was not prepared to accept his banishment.
I waited until all other advisors and courtiers had left, and Caranthir stood alone with his thoughts. Grim of expression was he. He knew the cost of losing those folk, and the cost of losing Estarfin that Forodhir alone remained with the much needed skills. But I would not be deterred. Holding my head high, I approached Caranthir boldly. I made a curtsy.
“Forgive me, my Prince, for disturbing you. You send away one most loyal to you.” I said, still in the curtsy.
Now Caranthir usually welcomed me, even at times of meeting. But he turned to me, his face slightly reddened. "Your affection blinds you, young one." he said. "Yet you would do well to hold your tongue in my presence, rather than offer me counsel."
Alas, he was not the only one who had a quick temper. In my frustration at what I believed to be a heinous mistake, I lashed out. "You are mistaken about Estarfin, my Prince. Mistaken because he is the best armoursmith we have now, and you would make an example of him that costs us all to sate your disappointment.”
His face turned to a thunderous red. His eyes narrowed at my lack of propriety. At a mere girl challenging him!
“Urundir,” he called and gestured to my father, who was in discussion with others not so far away. “Urundir, remove your daughter from this place. Precious though she is, she may not address me so. Lock her in her room until she remembers how to address her betters. Five years should suffice. Neither is he to have aught to do with her. He is not worthy. You understand!”
My father stepped forward looking horrified, bowed to Caranthir then took my arm and nigh dragged me away. Some of the others looked on, wondering what I could have said that provoked such a response. I did not struggle against my father. I felt for him that I had so disappointed him. But I could be impetuous. He knew that. And the blood of Mahtan ran strong in my veins. My blood was afire with the injustice, or at least that is what I told myself. The distraction had begun to settle, Caranthir had turned his back to me. And in my spirit I ‘saw’ and I ‘knew’ and I spoke it out . “There will come a time when you will wish Estarfin was at your side, yet he shall not be.” I foretold.
I was not to know until but a few years ago my words proved true. I knew Caranthir had fallen in Doriath, but I had not known how. It seemed he had pushed on too fast in the tunnels without Estarfin’s guard, and had been overwhelmed. Oh, he had changed his mind about Estarfin, even as I knew he would. After the Nirnaeth Arnoediad Caranthir had relented of his judgement, and gave Estarfin the name Yarehtar. He had marched with him at his side from then on, as one of his most trusted warriors. He would have presented him with a Captain's ring, I believed, had the opportunity to do so been forthcoming. Had I made matters worse then? I did not know.
Caranthir…..he did not look on me quite the same thereafter. He did not look on me often. For that disappointment to him I was sorry. I did honour him. But I also had a mind of my own. We were to speak properly but once after that day, and I gave him a heartfelt apology. I had been cruel, reckless, and blinded by affection, as he had warned me. For all his harshness, he was still honourable. He forgave me. But did his words to my father still hold, I had wondered?
In lieu of his later regard for Estarfin, I decided not.
~ ~ ~
As Estarfin took the lead in the dance, turning me round to face him, I felt as if my world thus far was unmade. He raised a strong but elegant hand, and I placed mine on top. Light of touch, light of heart…we moved as one into the dappled golden glory under the trees. The years of sorrows seemed to fade away.
“This could be the first dance at the Midsummer Ball. I had not thought of it since the last time we were by Lake Helevorn. Do you remember?” he asked softly, with a small smile of reminiscence.
I cast my mind back, and nodded. A small smile on my face as well.
With no music, we were moving in memory of high summer in Thargelion. Both of us knew that music well, knew the steps to that dance. A promise of joy and celebration, of a prosperous life well lived. I followed his lead, looking only to him, though for a moment it seemed we were in that Great Hall in Caranthir’s Citadel, with all those we had known watching us….and approving.
“As it should have been, dear one,” I saw my mother’s face. I felt her blessing. For this was become no simple dance, but a journey through the years that had deigned to keep us apart.
The memory of others faded. There was no time but now. Was it moments or hours we were dancing? I knew not. Only that he was so close. That my long held dream was suddenly realised. He was with me, and wanted to be there. I fleetingly felt so vulnerable, but it was as if I was being wrapped in a cloak of warm emotion. My heart missed a beat as I realised the warmth was coming from him. Both of us had lowered all our defenses, all we had held to keep us from being hurt or rejected.
“Do not waste this time we have together in peace with regret. I am here, you are here. It is more than enough.”
And it was. I needed no other.
“You asked me back at Echad Eregion, what I wanted of you. I had not the words then, but now I can say ‘this’. This, here is all I have ever wanted.”
He smiled, and looked up. The stars were above us, Tintalle watching and wondering perhaps?
We slowed for a moment as I too turned my face to the starlight.
“Elentari has blessed this night with her starlight.” He smiled, then said “Perhaps she also blesses us.”
For a moment I fought not to brush his hair from his eyes. No great impropriety would it be, I had done it before. But somehow I felt shy touching him at all. What I wanted, and what I knew was right behaviour were different. My impetuousness won out momentarily as I swiftly pushed back a stray lock.
“I am sorry,” I whispered. “I will do better.” But it was a challenge.
“Be not sorry,”he replied. “It is a welcome touch, though we need remember who and what we are.”
“Lelyafas” I whispered back to him. “It suits you.”
He looked a little surprised.
“I overheard your mother addressing you several times. ‘Beautiful tangled hair’, and so it is.”
He smiled, though there was sadness in his eyes at the memory.
“Yes. The name my mother gave to me, so long ago. I had almost forgotten it.”
Perhaps I should not have spoken so? Names mean much. But that was a public name of his, after all.
The music in my thoughts had drawn to a close, that we now stood, still his hand was enfolding mine. We knew it was time to awaken from our Cuivienan. I would have stood there for many hours more, but we had friends nearby, and it would be inconsiderate to ignore them for much longer. He released my hand; the glow of close memory kept that link alive.
He bowed to me. I made a curtsy.
“Can we dance again under the stars sometime soon, Estarfin?” I asked rather boldly.
He looked amused for a moment, then bowed his head. “As you wish.”
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