((neatly penned in Lumi-kieli))
I am writing this out in the hot sunshine on the hill, sitting on a stone. At first when summer got so hot that even the Bree-väki complained about it (and the lack of rain), I was relieved. It was intolerable of course, but I had expected it to be worse. I thought, if this is as bad as it gets, I will be able to survive the summer. Then I got heat-sickness and almost passed out in the market. I felt awful for two or three days, unable to eat, dizzy, with my head hurting almost like after drinking Ruevir's moonshine. (At least it gave me time to work on that poem that Haleron was so complimentary about -- I need to show it to Nalleni, no, read it to her.) So now I need to get a hat if I am going to spend much time out in the sun.
Which is what I am doing right now, so I am using the shawl I was given for Juhannus like a head-scarf since I have no hat. I am sitting on a stone writing and watching Beri taking care of cows and pigs on the farm just north of the road between the inn and the west gate, and also watching the people tending the horses at the stable (horses are quite nice at a distance, but after how things went with Arthfael's horse, I am still scared of them up close!). Here on the slope of the hill there is a nice breeze, so even in the hottest time of the day it is not too stifling. And the view is very nice.
Of course mostly the view that is nice is getting to watch Beri at work. I could watch her all day. She has such a strange and lovely grace about her. I suppose it is a bit like the way horses seem to other people. Like a horse, Beri is so confidently strong and capable of so much force at need, but she is so gentle and tender. Cows strike me as impressively dull-witted, not smart enough to get out of their own way or even go to the water when they thirst, but when Beri guides them, they go without hesitation. They can sense that she cares about them, and also that she has that strength and certainty about her that means they would be wise to follow her lead. Pigs, on the other hand, clearly know the same things but sometimes they are just ornery and she has to get firm with them. I try not to laugh when she starts trying to guide a pig and it squeals and sidesteps her and she has to put her hands on her hips and give the pig that look that, if she ever gave it to me, I am sure I would do whatever she was saying with a hint of recalcitrance.
I suppose we are still wooing. We have not even started to talk about what happens next, other than her saying she wants to raise cubs with me, which took all other words out of my mind for an embarrassingly long time. We briefly talked about the idea that maybe we should spend some time in Shire, where Eira is while she grows a baby inside her (her letters are all complaining, and meanwhile I am so envious! I wonder if I would be complaining about back-aches and morning illness too). But we did not finish talking about it, and even if we did decide to go together to Shire for a while, it would only be a temporary escape from whatever madness has taken Bree, not a plan to spend our lives together.
Maybe things are turning for the better in Bree, though. Yesternight, Miss Oakhurst brought supplies of food from Shire and Buckland, even fresh vegetables. And other people have been coming together, as any tribe or village should do. I was never frightened of drought or hunger or high prices. Concerned, ya. Worried. Upset. But if Bree keeps its heart and pulls together, helps each other, those who have more sharing with those in need, like any village or tribe should do, it would survive. And in time, doing that might even make the rain-spirits pleased and they will come back, but even if that is now how rain-spirits work, it is still true that a tribe that pulls together will endure. But Bree has lost itself. It has turned on itself and become something other than Bree. The Chief Constable said it was not even safe for me to walk between market and the inn. If things are turning around now, maybe Bree will find itself before it is too late, and become a village again.
But until we know for sure, until I can walk safely to my room again, I am staying here with Beri at the farm when I am not working, and she walks me to and from the inn. Which I am liking (and so is Suojelija). Maybe even if Bree finds its heart, after this, we will find a place to stay together. There was that other room for renting at the courtyard off the market that is big enough for both of us. (Though not for cubs!)
So we are still wooing, but I have no uncertainty right now as I watch her working. I fell in love with her while I was too busy to remember to be only wooing. I still know so little about her, not enough to be so in love. I do not know why she is here and not in the Vales, I do not know if she has family, I do not even know her moods. Sometimes when I am with her I feel like everything I say is wrong and I am scared to say anything more for fear of driving her away, and other days, I feel like I can just rest my head on her shoulder and know that she will have just been wanting me to do exactly that. She tells me I make her feel safe, because I make her feel human. I do not really understand that. Sometimes I worry my heart has gotten ahead of me. But I know that if there was a time I could be phrasing a question about our life together with "if" instead of "how" or "when", that time is past.
