Sometimes, I think life has a way of pushing you in the direction you ought to go but don't really want to. It uses sad things and sad folks to let you know that you can't go on as you have. It reminds you that feeling and caring can sometimes hurt; that it's the price to pay for choosing to do so. But still, I wouldn't change that. I would rather feel everything in full and get hurt, and make mistakes, and wish certain things have never come to pass than to feel nothing and never know what joy is.
My friends have warned me from being alone with Miss Cat. When they confronted her that night in Bree alone and convinced her to come along with us, I felt sad for it. Because, so what if she was dragged into all this? So what if she is bound to a similar fate as myself? She had a life outside of all this. A life that wasn't always as it is now, or at least how it appears from the outside looking in. I felt sadness like a knife through my chest when she answered my question of if she was treated very badly.
Miss Cat is something else, that's for sure. She can say such painful things with a perfect smile on her face. She'll pull for no one unless it suits her. She will poke at others' soft spots for fun or something like that. Who knows, she may even run away or stab me in the back at some point. But she is clever and witty. She looks out for herself. She knows how to live her life in a way that suits her well. She knows how to have fun and laugh, even if I sometimes question the source of her laughter.
She is a person. Is that not enough for her to deserve to go on living a life that she wants to live? I know Addie and Neth and others have told me over and over that it isn't my fault. I was a child and I was kept in the dark. Moyna never told me a thing. But the guilt will never leave me entirely until I can be sure that Miss Cat comes out of all of this alive and whole and able to live her life as she sees fit, just as I want to live my life as I see fit. Freedom is what I'm after in the end. For me and for her. And for anyone mixed up in this mess which seems to be a thorn bush with roots that go deep and extend out in all directions.
It makes me sad. And so does her... companion? Friend? Something like that?
Her name is Rue. Like the flower.
What is there to say about Rue? Lots of things, I'm sure. She can be a little intimidating when she is angry or irritable. She gets in fights, or so I've been told. Brawler and Fighter they call her. She reminds me of some people but is different. When I think of Rue I feel different things. So many different things so that it's confusing. Concern, sometimes amusement when she's said something funny. But also, sadness. It seems as if there's something around every corner she turns, waiting to happen to her. I think, she tries. Isn't that how she goes on each day? One has to try even when things happen all over the place. The sun will rise and we all must try again. She should be allowed to be as she is as a person without folks treating her like-- [here the ink is smudged]
I upset her today. When she mentioned before that she didn't like ravens, I thought little of it. I thought perhaps it was like me not much liking cauliflower. Or someone disliking a certain thing. But it ended up being so much more than that. I didn't think and I wasn't considerate. I was only thinking of giving Miss Cat the sketch without upsetting my friends by going alone. I don't know why she dislikes ravens so much as to make her scared and angry. But that doesn't much matter in the face of the hurt I saw. It was a mistake but not a small one you can just shrug off in the morning. Even if I didn't mean to, I hurt her badly and made her afraid. That is going to stick with me for awhile, as it should.
The look on her face, behind all the anger and swearing and even the knife, made me feel all the sadder.
Is it not horrible that I wish I could make things easier for her despite knowing I very well can't? I am no longer 'Just Finchley' anymore, like Byrge said. I can't be. I can't go back to how I was; that's impossible. I don't think I can do much of anything save my best. And, sometimes, I know my best just isn't good enough. That's a human thing to be sure but it's such a hard thing to swallow or sit with. But I'll swallow it. I'll feel it even if it's hard.
My time in Bree this go around is coming to an end. Life has made it clear; I can't dawdle anymore. It is time for me to go. To Fornost and whatever difficult and sad thing awaits me there.
I am afraid. Still, I will go.
