((The parchment this is written on is speckled with tear stains and even looks to have been lightly crumpled at one point.))
I write today to release much anger and hurt I feel now. Papa and Father have hurt me deeply because they do not understand… they just don’t.
I could not finish writing before I had time to think… and I have now. There was an argument of sorts between my family the other night. There were four men there and me. Two of them were my fathers. They were all being touchy-feely and I mentioned Sir Edwin, oh how I wish I hadn’t. They started speaking to me about being careful, that adults are not trustworthy, etc. I lashed out instead of trying to listen. Oh, how I must have hurt them so… I said some very unkind things and was unwilling to listen. If anyone acted the way I did to them, I would’ve not hesitated to make them regret it.
I was angry at first, but now I feel as if I have committed a crime. A terrible crime that I should be locked up for. I ignored those I love the most all because I wouldn’t listen. This is what I feared when being told I would be part of a family again. I am scared to have them get too close, to show too much care for me. If I start to rely on someone to protect me and watch over me how will I survive if anything ever happened? I do not feel as if I belong at times, out of all the children they could have chosen to take in, they chose me as one of them… I do not understand why. I have done nothing to deserve this kindness. Maybe Nathanniel was right… and I should think if I have done anything for anyone? Right now, I feel as If I have done nothing but cause trouble and hurt. I am no better than those who have hurt my family in the past. I am scared to face them; I don’t know if I will be able to bear the disappointment in them. Papa was ever so angry with me, and Father just sat quietly. If I had not been so foolish, I would have noticed at the time that something about my fantasy love was bothering him, possibly bringing back memories. Because I was running my mouth, I did not realize this until I sat down to think. I must have hurt him a great deal. I knew Papa before Father, so there is a lot more to build a relationship with us, and for all, I know I have ruined my chances of building a greater relationship with Father.
I have been too scared to possibly see them so I have been living in my parent’s house. It’s lonely, and I have told Sir Edwin that I do not wish to see him and that I will not be leaving. I do not know whether he still sits outside the house or if he has left. Cat also is worried about me and continues to try and cheer me up, but I feel so terrible I can not bear it. Maybe I am being stupid, and everything will be okay if I just apologize, but I feel as if I have hurt beyond apologizing. I could not forgive someone who hurt my family as I have, so who is to say they will forgive me?
Do I fit the role of a daughter? Am I going to be too much for Papa and Father and they will not want anything to do with me? I do not mean to lash out, I do not know why I do… there is just so much anger in me I pretend to not have. I am full of fear, anger, sadness, and it sometimes will just pour out all at once, and usually will pour out onto the wrong people… people who do not deserve it…what am I to do?
