Bad luck truly really does come in threes. Or fours. Or fives. Or tens even. It comes a lot, to be honest. It seems like every time we manage to catch a breath and stand upright we get blown down to the ground again by something else. It's almost discouraging. I'm finding that I can bear it if I have my friends about me. I'm not sure how I would fare if I didn't.
But, sometimes, even when I'm in everyone's company, I feel so lonely. I know everyone is here for me. It isn't so much that I am actually alone. More like the feeling is in my chest. I'm holding all these things in there so that everyone doesn't have to worry for me. I know that's foolish as anything to do, but I can't shoulder the burden off on everyone while they're struggling under the weight of their own troubles. Well, save for Lif.
Poor Lif. I know she wouldn't like me saying that of her. She'd say, "I ain't a poor anything!" Still, poor Lif. I've been incredibly selfish when it comes to her. I won't shunt off my burdens onto anyone else but I seem to can't help it with her. I begged her to stay with me. Begged her to help me. Could I do any of this without her?... Maybe. But I'd do a bang up job of it, I'm sure. That's why I say it's selfish. In that moment where I thought she was gonna leave me alone, I don't think I've been scared of anything in my life. Scared for myself, yes, of course. But I was also scared for her. I felt that, if she went away from me, she wouldn't come back again. Or that she would do something drastic like she thought about doing back in Bree all those months ago.
Just thinking and writing about this makes me want to cry all over again! Enough of that! I'm not going to be a baby about it. I promised to get better.
From here it seems we'll be going westward again. But not all of us. Just Lif, Eduwiges, and I. I will be glad to be on the road again. But something aches in the pit of my stomach when I think of passing through Breeland on the way to Trestlebridge. Isn't that horrible; feeling like that about the land I grew up in?
Beyond Trestlebridge should be the Downs. I feel a little happier knowing I'll be going back there. Even if the reason for going isn't exactly cheerful. Perhaps thats the key to enduring all of this. Look for things to be happy about! I believe there's always things like that everywhere, even if its hard to find them.
I'll make a list right now!
Things to be happy about:
- I get to see Trestlebridge bridge (I think it's actually called the Trestlespan!) again!
- I may find out more about Grams, which is what I always wanted.
- Maybe I'll finally get to help the Ranger folk like I did last time. I always wanted to do more but had to go back down south for winter.
- Spring is coming soon!
- Lif is coming with me.
[Hastily written at the bottom of the page...]
Speaking of lists!
- Write a reply to Lady Ninimil!
- Maybe write to Bild? Not sure where he is at now.
- Write to Miss Taite.
- Trim hair.
- Apples for Destiny.
- Teach Galvra to say something other than a curse word.
