The lyrics contained within the entry are from "Achilles Come Down" by Gang of Youths
The self is not so weightless
Nor whole and unbroken
Remember the pact of our youth
Where you go, I’m going
So jump, and I’m jumping
Since there is no me without you
“What do you think death is like?” I asked him one night when the fires of war were blazing dimmer, offering a respite from bathing in blood and ash. He pulls the bottle of spring wine away from his mouth; it's left a stain on his tongue and his lips like he’s just finished spitting up blood after taking another hit to the face. He eyes me for a moment, so equally distraught, but my hands are clenched around a star that I beg to for hope.
“Why do you ask me?” My dearest friend presses, a droplet of the vintage dropping from his lips the way blood and water drops from the maw of a beast after it has had its fill of the feast. “Do we not look to the Valar for our answers?”
As he poses the question, I return my gaze to the white star in the palms of my hand. A gift from one who thought I needed hope most. The reassurance of better days to come. If death is certain for all, then it would not come for either of us alone, jaws unhinged to devour like a snake waiting in the grass. It would not come for us alone. It would find us prepared to scream right back in its face.
You are absent of cause or excuse
So self-indulgent and self-referential
No audience could ever want you
You crave the applause yet hate the attention
Then miss it, your act is a ruse
It is empty, friend, so end it all now
It's a pointless resistance for you
I clench my fists until my palms bleed. I stare down the eyes of the one who shares my blood, who once shared my home, who no longer shares my heart as one whom I should love. His eyes are dark like the soot marking mine and his hair is red and ablaze like the pyre my fellows are being burned upon for their service; finding only death in their glory.
“How dare you flee in your vanity? Think of their sacrifice!” My brother spits out like the words have sat in his mouth as venom, bitter and vile and years of resentment.
“Think you I know not of sacrifice?!” I respond in kind, whipping around on feet weighted by grief and guilt to make sure that it is indeed I to whom he speaks with such blatant audacity. It is. I exhale sharply, daring him to continue. His posture shifts. So does mine. If he dare charge, I know who is the greater.
You want my opinion, my opinion you've got
(No one asked your opinion)
You asked for my counsel, I gave you my thoughts
(No one asked for your thoughts)
Be done with this now and jump off the roof
(Be done with this now and get off the roof)
I stare briefly into the eyes of those who I claim to love and in this final act I see my claim affirmed; let my life be a worthy trade for all of theirs. Let my legacy and my deeds die on their lips, let me die once in this earthly form and a second time when my name is spoken for the last; let my acclaim and glory fade from this world.
I feel hands reach out to draw me back but I break away; I must break away. They will not understand. Let them see it one day. Let them look back and escape and know that I did this out of love; let them not waste themselves attempting to come back for me. O, Varda, see them out safely. O, Varda, do not let him face it alone.
Throw yourself into the unknown
With pace and a fury defiant
Clothe yourself in beauty untold
And see life as a means to a triumph
Today of all days, see
How the most dangerous thing is to love
How you will heal and you'll rise above
Crowned by an overture bold and beyond
Ah, it's more courageous to overcome
In a dream, I am drowning. I break out of the surface of the water with a gasp; life, death, rebirth. My lungs are filled with air and I am breathing once more. I step onto a shore unburdened by hardship and grief; is this a dream or a wish? Is this my mind or is this the future? I look back out to the sea and see holy light. I see stars above looking down upon me and shining and I am at peace; omen or fate, be it my path, I lived it well.
I see ships along the shore, white and swan-like; beautiful, and tragic weaved into their very nature. I take a step closer to them and find myself stopped by a grip on my wrist. I turn and look back - there is no beast there, no wild, ungodly one; there is an oath fulfilled and a love to be enjoyed without the fear and the scars of war. There is another life.
And then I awake.
