This is the first time in so many months that I am not writing to Hawk here. And it's the first time in so long that I've taken the time sit and jot down all the thoughts swirling around in my head. But, I can honestly say I am happy for it!
In the past weeks or so I have had more than my fair share of complete joy and still more sorrow. Joy because Hawk is alive and near my side again. Sorrow because of... other things. Where do I even begin? So much to say and yet, for once, I find that I am not able to find the right words. It's a good thing this journal is impartial to my ramblings.
I'll start with Hawk, since thinking, speaking, and hearing of him makes me very happy. And starting with something good makes the not so good things a little easier to bear sometimes.
I honestly thought I was dreaming when Xan rode up with him in tow. I was lucky and had only a few dreams of him when he was gone and, though I woke up crying a few times, they were all good ones. I seem to be doing that a lot lately. Crying I mean. I did it again when I realized he was hale and whole and alive in front of me. But they were happy tears, I promise.
Oh, but how my stomach felt like it fell right to the floor when he confusedly asked me if I was "clever Finch". He knew me not. Xan had said that he was still recovering. It was all I could do to hold in the rest of my tears and see to it that he was comfortable. And I'm not sure what happened but one minute I was getting something for him to eat and the next he was crying and said my name like he knew me. And he did! The relief I felt... To feel so many things in the space of less than an hour. I am glad we decided to sleep afterwards because, after all of that, I was exhausted.
After all that time sleeping alone, save for all the cats and kittens about the house, it feels good and right to lay myself down next to him at night and wake up to see him there. I think it is right on par with the most fantastical views I have ever seen anywhere. Takes my breath away. I am not ignorant of how incredibly lucky I am. Never again will I let him go far from me without letting him know that I love him. I will have no regrets when it comes to Hawk. I will make sure of it.
Now comes all the hard things. Perhaps getting them down on the page will make the load lighter.
Everyone here on the island knew that Addie wasn't acting like herself. As time went on she got worse and worse. She kept secrets from us, avoided us like a sickness, and, as we found out, told a few lies to distract us from what she was doing. I'm not gonna say I didn't fall for more than a few of them because I did. I didn't do a very good job at making sure she was safe and looked after. But, I tried my best. I was no match for her cunning.
When her friend arrived on the island - Mister Rathvald is his name and I think he's very kind and plays the harp well - I thought perhaps things were looking up. But what he brought with him to give her ended up turning everything upside down.
I'm not sure what to write. How do I go about saying this when I still haven't fully let it sink in myself? But I have to try.
The dagger he brought with him for Addie was a Morgul blade. The one that killed - almost killed? - Xan all those months ago. I still don't know the particulars even after all this time. Addie was going to tell me everything but we were interrupted and then I never got to ask. And I don't think I can ask just yet. I don't want to bring anymore unhappiness upon anyone like that.
But being near her when she had that dagger on hand, I don't quite know how to describe it. I felt sicker than I have ever felt in my life. Everything felt so wrong and it was all I could do to keep from falling over. And that's when my hip started hurting. At first it was like a terrible itch - like when you've brushed up against some poisonous plant. But then it began to burn! It felt like someone was holding a skillet that was just taken off the fire to my skin, except the pain went deeper as time went on.
Xandilif noticed after Addie and Mister Rathvald went to sleep that night. She asked to see what was hurting and when I showed her my birthmark... The skin was all angry and red and, I swear, that mark had never looked like that before in all my life. But my stomach dropped when Lif said it was a brand. A... I can't write it. I can't write it!
I don't belong to anyone. I don't care what some necromancer from the blasted land of Angmar says or said years ago. I'm not [Here the words are boldly scribbled out and smudged by tear stains.]
Why didn't Grams tell me? She must have known. She wasn't a fool. There was so much she didn't tell me. Why couldn't she have just told me? Who was she?
I don't want to be upset with her. She's gone and all I have left is memories, a grave, and her hair pin. My heart wants to forgive her but I don't know what I'd be forgiving her for? I hate being upset with her. I loved her so much.
I need answers. Lif said she'd help me get answers. But I need to help take care of Addie after all of this. She's still recovering from what happened. How am I going to tell Xan? How am I going to tell everyone? I don't want them to see me any different. I'm still me!
For all that I lack and all that's wrong, I'm still me.
I need to be strong about this. I won't bring anymore unhappiness onto Hawk or Lif or Xan or anyone. This is my burden and I will bear it best I can. Oh, but it sure hurts to do so! But I can do hard things, can't I?
Chin up, Finchley!!!
I can't write anymore now.
