A Finch's Journal: Entry 25

Dear Hawk,

I hope you don't mind me talking to you like this even though you're gone now. There's so much that I have to write - so many letters to those who have helped me along the way. But it's hard to know what to say. But, I think maybe talking with you through this journal might make it a little easier. You always never minded how much I can talk on and on.

It has been some days since Lif brought me here to this island in the Bay of Belfalas. Being here both helps and hurts at the same time, but there's nowhere I'd rather be right now. Everyone here has been unfailingly kind to me so far. But, I'm afraid that they all are carrying their own hurts over so many things both past and present. There is so much that I still don't understand - but I'd like to. I hope that they'll trust me to help them when they need it. I hope they don't feel as if they have to hide it all in front of me. Already, Miss Addie did not want to tell me the full truth of what happened to you. In the end, I had to ask Miss Nethrida. I will not lie and say I didn't feel anger over how you were treated. One day, I hope we can get justice for you. I hear a lot of talk of vengeance but, I think in my heart, all I can truly ask for is justice. You deserve that much.

It is difficult to feel all this pain. It is much like having the wind knocked out of you, except you can still breathe well enough. Or maybe like someone has taken something very sharp and pushed it straight into my heart. Even so, I will bear all of that and try my very best to help others shoulder their burdens too. How can I do anything less for them? How can I do anything less for you?

It is difficult but I know I can do difficult things. I am not fragile. I will not break. And even if I do, I will be able to put myself back together again. I will always be myself. You know I can't do otherwise.

I think, that though you being gone has caused me the most pain, seeing Xandilif cry twisted that sharp thing in my chest something awful. I have been told over and over again that I haven't done anything wrong by both her and Xanderian. But, I can't help but feel guilty over the last message I sent her, just after I had already sent a letter asking her to accept my friendship. It was written out of fear for you. I depended on her because I knew she was strong. But that wasn't really fair of me, was it? It's not right to just go leaning on someone all the time just because they are strong. Yet, I can't seem to help myself when it's her. I know that her being unable to save you hurt her. And seeing her hurt and crying hurt me in a way I can't even begin to understand.

I never ever want to make her feel like that ever again. Not even by accident.

[Something was written here but the ink has been smeared badly by a few tear droplets.]

Suddenly I have run out of things to say. Or rather, I have run out of words to express what I'm thinking of. This happens quite a bit lately.