I….Write this tonight because I am troubled. Several matters of import weigh heavily on my mind. It began two days hence, when I sought after Miss Brynleigh to make sure she was alright, and to do my best to apologize again. I was able to discover that she was not in Hookworth, but in Bree. I managed to find her in the Prancing Pony, just as she was about to depart for the evening. She was speaking to Miss Cesistya and Mister Aeglorond, and she introduced me to them. They both seem like wonderful people. I offered to escort her home, as traveling on the roads in the dark is often risky. In truth, I also wanted to speak with her alone. And we did. It was….An enlightening, yet disheartening conversation, as I learned exactly how deeply the woman had been wounded. I did my best to offer what help I could, to which she replied that she would rather suffer alone.
"You cannot suffer alone, for those that care for you will always suffer along with you." I hear the words in my head, but I still cannot believe that something of such profound depth came out of my mouth. We spoke again the next day, when she came to visit me in the Inn. During that conversation it… Became clear to me, that I had lost control. I had been keenly aware of the void within her, but it had not occurred to me how much I longed to fill it. As we sat and talked, I realized how my wants had shifted over the past few days. I wanted nothing more than to take her pain away, to bear it for her and leave her with nothing but happiness. I want to be a fireproof shield, to guard and protect her paper heart. To shelter the delicate flower until the season has come for it to blossom again. And yet, such thoughts terrified me. This was a broken woman, a faithful widow who is still in love with her deceased husband. I can never pursue her. I can never get too close, for I may shift the wind against her, and blow her paper heart into the flames. So what am I to do?
I am a disgraced man. If not through my actions as a Captain, than by my actions after. If Miss Bryn is correct, and there was nothing wrong with my inaction, surely my reputation has been shattered by my flight. This leaves me as a man with no honor. A man with no honor, no purpose…Is nothing. This morning, I spoke of this with Miss Ramield, the Elven woman in charge of Hookworth. I laid out my problem, and my two solutions. I could leave, end my torment…. But rob Miss Bryn of a friend. So, I chose to stay. There is no honor in where my heart lies. There is no dignity in my heart’s desires. But to leave her in the state she is in would only disgrace me further. So I will remain, and in doing so, I will have a purpose. I will regain my honor and my self-respect. I will be here to support her in her moments of darkness, as a friend. And when she can finally move on…whenever that may be…I will be here.
