It's near on two weeks since I thunk as we were about to start on our journey, and I'd made arrangements for Miss Inayat to take care of the stable, but here I am still in Hookworth, up on the stable roof, watching spring-melt drip down the hillsides. There's hardly any snow left even on the highest hills now, and the grass is starting to green up. Was a big rainstorm few days ago with wind blew branches off the trees. Spring's everywhere, and I been waiting for spring for to set out for so long, every breeze what's got a bit of warmth in it turns my thoughts to what's before me. It's still more than a month from when we would been leaving if we'd still been going by the High Pass, but now we got a better path, it's past time we could go, and I feel like a farm dog during the long hour before dinnertime, with nothing else but to count every second.
I'm fair sure Miss Adri is ready and has been; her order of Bottle Cakes were put in a while afore mine. I go to get mine later today. Miss Bottle had to work hard to make twice as many as I asked for at first, to be enough for Beoda too, and to have them done a month earlier, but I heard this morning as they're finished, and that's the last thing I need to do to be ready.
No, that's not proper true. There's one more thing as I should do afore we go, and that's ask Beoda if she'll marry me when we get back home. Though I reckon there's no reason as we couldn't do that on the road. I had thunk as asking her were going to happen more than a week ago, after I got to talk to Mister Cob and got his permission. (The pocket-knife I got him as a gift, he seemed to like well enough, but barely looked at. I reckon he knew from the start what I was there for, and weren't going to be distracted from it by a shiny knife.) But by time I got to talk to him, Beoda was busy with work around the farm, getting Vidargeir ready to be a helper while she was gone so they could keep up with the chores without her. Seemed like it'd be just a day or two. I bought a pastry from Miss Baker to give her when I asked -- it went stale now and I threw it away -- and also bought a ring from Miss Andrelanor, made of real gold with a red stone in it she calls a ruby, what shines like it's got the stars in it, for to give her -- I hear that's a thing as you do here. Then I waited.
Then it were another day, and then another. I got a letter. Miss Brynleigh wrote to say she were coming home, but that she were going to keep in her house with some friend as was helping her, and as I was not to come around. Then another day, and another, and another. One morning I saw Jack was back in the stables, and another horse, probably the one ridden by that friend, and there was smoke from her chimney again. Wanted so much to go see if she were all right, offer any help as I could, but I kept my distance, as she asked. Mostly; I snuck down when no one were looking and left firewood and other things as they'd need, to make it a little easier on her helper, but making sure I weren't seen. He probably just thinks the village does that.
Then another day, and another, and Beoda were still busy with getting things ready for her to leave. Not sure what. Maybe Vidargeir needs more teaching than expected, or maybe there's more to make ready, or maybe something come up. Whatever it was, I know if I could be any help she'd call on me, so it must be something as I can't help with.
Which leaves me with nothing really to do. Inayat's tending the stable, though since I'm here, I still come by and do whatever work I can. Then when that's done, I just sit on the roof, waiting, thinking, worrying.
Shouldn't be worrying. I know. I mean, the journey's planned and we got everything we need, and Miss Adri's a good guide and scout. And I know Beoda's going to say yes on account she already did in giving me permission to ask her pa. But I worry anyhow.
I think about asking Beoda, about her wearing the ring. About us coming home after the journey, and then it's time to have a wedding, and buy the house, and one day have a family. And then I catch the scent of smoke from Miss Brynleigh's chimney, and I think, one day, one of us will have to live without the other. One of us will hurt like Miss Brynleigh hurts right now. Maybe not for a long time, maybe sooner. It's no reason not to marry, but I can't not think about it. I reckon that that's why marrying matters so much. You only get so much life and if you're giving most of it to the one you love that's why it's worth more than any shiny ring with a bright stone on it.
I think about seeing the Mark again, and what the Thane will think of my news, and what the Golden Wood will be like, and if it really got a Witch, and whether the journey will be dangersome. But even more I think about seeing my family. What they'll think about finding me still alive, but even more, what it'll be like when I tell them I'm leaving again. Will they be proud that, after so long of having no direction, no want to do nothing with my life, now I have chosen a trade, and won a woman's love, and made a home, and set before me a proper life? Or only sad as that life happens to be so far from them?
It weren't easy, all the changes I been through, to become the man what charts his own course and then follows it to his life. That's what makes it all the harder to be here looking at the chart and not taking the first step, just waiting. So much of my life that's all I did, and all I wanted to do. Now, it's all I can do, and I can't bear it.
