Found:
A piece of the past.
It's been a while since I last wrote. It seemed pointless to waste my time in placing thought to ledger when there's so much else to occupy me. Sleeping, eating, walking, taking care of Steel and Salwen. Alright, maybe as lists go, it's not a very long one but it does take up a lot of my attention!
I'm trapped somewhere between the dread of what is to come and an eagerness to see it over and done with. Sheer bloody-minded stubbornness drives me onwards as fast as I can go and I am making good progress. I've made a point of avoiding anything that may look to be of interest, keeping away from people and places that might provide distraction from the road ahead and task in hand. Salwen slows me somewhat, bless her. She's a docile little thing, always staying close to Steel, and doesn't move with the speed that my most trusted companion is ever eager to display. Still, she's a good horse, sturdy and strong and I certainly don't begrudge her the need to take her time even as I chafe at the bit to be pushing on whilst still never really wanting to get to my destination.
Today is the first time I've really stopped for anything other than sleep. Even food I've eaten whilst on the move. However, it seemed right somehow, fitting, that I take this small detour and spend a little time in quiet contemplation.
I sit here now, beneath a tree on a cliff, next to the small pile of stones that I placed here with my own hands. Hand. I only had one working arm at the time, as I recall. Closer than is comfortable is the black lake which almost claimed my life, and did claim the life of the one laying beneath these paltry pebbles.
Over and over, no matter how I've tried to forget, I've run the events of that day through my mind. I must suppose that I still harbor some form of guilt or, at the very least, regret for what happened. It wasn't really my fault. I know that. I didn't call forth the monster. I didn't knock myself out and I didn't ask, or even want, him to die in an effort to protect me. I didn't believe myself worth saving. I still don't. And I still don't know why he thought that I was. I will never really understand why he did what he did. I will never really know if I would have done the same were our roles reversed. The only thing I can be certain of is that there was a reason for it and now, so long after, I find myself oddly grateful. Not that he died, of course! I'd change that in a heartbeat if I could. I am, however, grateful that I survived.
There's hope yet... isn't there?
I couldn't see it then. I only have a vague sense of it now, but it is there. Somewhere.
My thoughts drift to the ones I left behind in Bree-land, but I push such ideas away. At least for now. Sitting by the unmarked grave of a man who gave his life for mine, it seems somehow disrespectful to be considering others, how they are, if they're safe and well, how much I miss them... that I miss anyone at all is an oddity in and of itself. That it is such a specific person... that is a consideration for another day. Not here. Not now.
Now is the time to look ahead. At what, I'm not entirely certain. How far ahead, well, that's an issue of its own. Do I dare to dream of the days after Rohan? Do I dare to dream that there will be any? I want to. Isn't that why I began my project in Evendim?
Don't plan. Never plan. Isn't that the very philosophy that has gotten me this far? Isn't that what has made me so successful? Plans are such rigid things. Better to live in the moment, to adapt to each situation as it arises.
Move ahead. Always ahead.
