Again, so much to write and so little time to do so...and I admit little strength either as I rest here in a hallway of the Pony...however I am filled with such a joy I cannot sleep before writing of it.
Early this morning as I returned to Bree from my Brigand hunt in the Chetwood, anxious to see Fille or discover that the Lard Arahen had returned I felt instead a different presence. My sister Xandilif awaited me just within the gates.
I cannot bear to reflect upon that conversation here, save to say that it was most difficult but I feel I did not flinch from standing up for those things that I must, despite her assailing of them.
Though I stood up to my sister's questions, within I was faced with a gnawing doubt. What if in truth she was right and I had no business dealing so with those of the younger races, or with involving myself in the doings of the Noldor? Was I fooling myself in some way, opening myself up to heartbreak with no hope of doing the slightest bit of good?
As our conversation came to a somewhat disheartening conclusion, with us essentially agreeing to disagree, she rode South to search for this Southron while I, disturbed and distraught, returned to the Pony.
It was then that a series of events began which showed me that though the road I have chosen for myself is not easy, I am certain that I am correct to walk it.
First of all, I encountered a Daughter of Numenor who I had encountered several nights previous while enjoying a midnight exploration of the Shire with Fille. She gave her name as Ingebjorg, but I soon knew her as Inge Halfling-Friend due to the company she seems to keep and because her joy in life is typical of the little folks, though she is a Bree-lander. As we spoke lightly of many matters, she told me that I tend to speak in riddles, which upon relflection I found that I could not refute. Now if only I knew the answers to them all.
My own Fille arrived from her labors soon after, and also remembering Inge Halfling-Friend was most pleased to find us in discussion at the Pony, far from Inge's normal haunts. I was filled with joy to see Fille but also troubled and in some ways, deeply afraid, remembering the Banshee's words. As we three settled into discussion, my concern soon eased as Fille was as charming and tender as ever, and soon, after both she and Inge had had a bit to much to drink, we all three withdrew to the river near Bree to bathe. I was pleased to see that much of Fille's previous shyness had evaporated (or been kept at bay by the wine) for she was soon scattering her work garb in all directions and contentedly preening in the water. Poor Inge however at first could only bring herself to remove her boots and trail her feet in the cool water, and when coaxed into the river itself finally joined us, but did so fully clothed!
In time we all three lay happily upon the banks before an open fire and the two ladies reminded me of how truly joyous time amongst the Bree-landers can be with their laughter. I began to have the strange feeling that a greater power was attempting to teach me a lesson regarding my doubts.
After the Halfling-Friend had made her departure, Fille and I walked hand in hand to her forge...and before she had to renew her labors spoke in hushed tones of my discussion with Xandilif (some of which she remarkably had sensed in my turmoil) and the love and concern that I bore her. She was most upset that I would consider dying for her safety, as she expressed her equal love and concern for me...and on the basis of that we came to new understanding of the depth and permanence of our friendship, and how blessed we were that we had found one another.
She also reiterated a thought she had expressed before, that the spirit of her late mother had guided her into my company...and I could not disagree with the sentiment.
Soon after returning to the Pony, I discovered poor Ingfled and was gratified to see her previous reserve towards me had eroded and she was was content to be considered by me a young sister. She gave me a letter which the had received via another mysterious messenger, this one clearly designed to intimidate her through veiled threats and references to mayhem, signed with a the symbol of a red hand. That letter, and the steps being taken concerning the Southron, shall be discussed in full in a later entry, but for now it is enough to explain I reassured Ingfled and bid her to not be afraid of such threats, for I would not leave her to stand alone as she was now my dear sister. I would strive to do all for her that poor Ackerley could not. This news filled her with such joy and relief that I was overwhelmed again with the feeling that my choice was absolutely correct and that Elbereth was showing me illustrations of all the good that I could do amongst the folk of Bree, and how their affection would recompense me any pain I would one day suffer one hundred fold.
Some brief time later I found that the Lady Arahen had indeed returned late the night before and I was able to serve her as she woke. Attending eagerly upon her at her bedside, I told her a brief report on all that had passed between my sister and I and she agreed with me that I was being given a clear message from Elbereth herself regarding the path I had chosen, and in her wonderful company my confidence in such matters rose to new heights. After all, she was so like Elbereth must be, how could she be mistaken. She continued to show me favors beyond my imagining and even said that she had already been sworn to be amongst the last of our kind to depart West...and would be pleased should I remain with her and accompany her. To feel such acceptance and confidence from the Daughter of Orodreth cannot be overstated and I am so deeply humbled and amazed by the honors she bestows upon me.
However Elbereth had one last message for me. Upon returning again to the main chamber of the Pony I encountered a young woman of Rohan named Cyndwin, whom Fille and I had befriended some nights before. We spoke some of a sore trial she faced in her homeland regarding false accusations, and I told her in part what had transpired with Xandilif as I was so moved by her innocent confidence, and awe of what she assumed was my high birth. She was so kind and thoughtful in hearing my woes, and so happy to receive my reassurances that I knew at once she would become very dear to me. I knew Fille herself had expressed how sweet she had found the young Horsemistress, and I was now forced to agree.
The poor thing soon found herself weary and unsure what she should do, unwilling to travel to wherever she was domiciled. I gave her the key to my chambers here at the Pony and bid her sleep there in safety, as I doubted I would be using it that night. She eagerly accepted and off she went to sleep in touching innocence...I just hope she doesn't note the blood stains in the wooden floor, but being a daughter of the Mark I doubt they would concern her overly much.
And so, I sit now in contemplation, thinking how strange it is that I could go in one day from the very fires of self-doubt and loathing to the very summit of a deep contentment.
I do not think I have ever felt this loved in all my years...and that feeling, that I bask in right now, is worth any price I could pay. Tomorrow I shall be ready indeed to face any threat that might come from the Southron and his ilk...for I am not alone.
