This message is written in Black Speech. It is addressed to a high-ranking orc commander stationed at Lugburz in Mordor.
Warlord Grudluk reporting for duty. It has been well over a year since I was sent here to help with war effort at the Ettenmoors, so it is about time I send a report updating you on the situation. The war here has practically reached a stalemate, but there have been some promising developments. The orcs native to these parts are an incoherent rabble that lack any sense of discipline. But during my time here, I’ve been able to teach a few of these northern orcs proper Mordor military procedures and equip them with state of the art weaponry. I shall give a brief review of each of the orcs that were under my command.
Tradul
Tradul is likely the smartest of the orcs that are native to these parts, but that isn’t saying much given how stupid they all are. His knowledge is quite limited, but still he insists on asking too many questions. And he often gets distracted by the most ridiculous things. Too many times he puts a halt to our work just to say that he thinks something or someone is “pretty”. And when I call him out on his utterly stupid behavior, he defends his totally unnecessary observations. This bickering often results in a complete waste of time. But when he isn’t wasting time trying to figure out things that he has no need to understand, he is a very capable soldier. I would say he is the strongest of our tribe. One day I gave him permission to temporarily lead our tribe, and he did very well. So should I die in battle, Tradul would be a competent successor to my position as our tribe’s warlord.
Kafzgatith
Kafzgatith, or Kafz as we often call him, is so stupid that he is almost feral. If Tradul’s knowledge is limited, Kafz has absolutely no knowledge at all. I don’t think he even has the mental capacity to remember what he had for breakfast, much less to reliably follow orders. But despite his stupidity Kafz has somehow managed to be a useful soldier. He is remarkably agile; he runs so fast and jumps so high that it can almost seem like he is flying. This trait of his has been very useful in countering the elves we need to fight here. But also Kafz occasionally surprises me with unexpected cunning. I suppose it comes with his near feral nature, but sometimes he thinks of an idea that is so crazy that it just might work, and certainly always be entirely unexpected by the enemy! Which needless to say is very useful. So whenever we manage to get Kafz to actually focus on following his orders and on the mission at hand, he is quite effective.
I should note that Tradul and Kafz apparently share some sort of connection, as they are both orcs that are native to these parts and even were wrought in the same cave. They constantly get into pointless fights, both verbal and physical. But the fact they haven’t killed each other yet, and have somehow managed to keep each other alive for this long, is testament to this strange connection. I think they would qualify as “brothers”, that strange term men and elves often use. Though they personally prefer the term “friends”, or at least Tradul does. I do my best to actively discourage such ridiculous notions. We are all soldiers of the Dark Lord, and that is it!
Dorshakh
Dorshakh was one of those new Uruks, though he was under my command only briefly. I was never able to find out what hold he came from. But he fought well, and even helped us come up with our tribe’s name. So I feel I should mention him. He always followed orders and was cruel to our enemies. I suspect that he was killed in battle. What more can one expect from an orc?
Ulkharn
Ulkharn was also one of those Uruks. He was sent from Isengard to help with the war effort in the Ettenmoors. I was impressed by the quality of his equipment and his deadly efficiency as a soldier. He was as ruthless as any orc warlord could ever hope for! He clearly had a great deal of experience on the battlefield, unlike Tradul and Kafz. But still, I was always suspicious of his true loyalties, and I still am. He has since left us. I suspect his purpose for being sent to the Ettenmoors was to spy on us, and now that he had discovered what information he could he has returned to Isengard to report to that deranged wizard. A shame that such talent must be wasted on that rogue wizard. But sooner or later that wizard will kneel to the Dark Lord, and so will Ulkharn.
Kudumgum
Kudumgum, or Kudu as we call him, is an orc from one of those tribes in the Misty Mountains. I don’t know why he wandered into the Ettenmoors, but all that matters is that he is eager to help the war effort here. He is more timid than is good for a soldier, but he always follows orders, far more consistently than Tradul or Kafz ever could. So I could work with that! Just give me some time and I could shape him into a proper soldier. Though he has also left us. I suspect that he was either killed in battle or that he has fled back into the Misty Mountains. Either way, next time such a promising orc joins our ranks, I’ll be sure to get him into shape more quickly so something like this doesn’t happen again.
Now for the report. As I’ve said the war effort here has reached a stalemate; there are several obstacles getting in our way to finally advance to Rivendell. For one thing the armies of the enemy are not the only forces working against us. One day during a routine polluting of the river Hoarwell, we encountered some sort of river spirit. This thing actively sought to have us all killed, but we managed to defeat it. Hardly a surprise: nature is stupid and no match against the cunning of iron. But a thing like that cannot be so easily killed, so it has frequently reappeared and attempted to thwart our war effort since. We have managed to fend it off every time, but it would be more efficient to have it definitively killed so we can focus solely on the war effort. But we may need access to some powerful magic for that, magic that is beyond the purview of an orc soldier.
And then there is the halfling village of Hoarhallow. I don’t know what these rats are doing so far up north, but they are a surprisingly stubborn nuisance. They even managed to kidnap Kafz once and hold him hostage. A remarkably difficult feat given how fast and agile Kafz is, though I suppose it must have been easy enough to fool him into a trap. Though we managed to rescue him at little cost and kill many halfings in the process. Needless to say the orcs here have underestimated the capabilities of these rats. But these rats have also grown overconfident as a result. I think now is the perfect to strike terror into their hearts and make them kneel before the might of Mordor. To do that I advise to send more reinforcements up here, or at least send proper Mordor made weapons to equip these stupid mountain orcs. The quality of the weapons made in Angmar is barely adequate at best.
Then there is that goblin village of Grothum. These goblins were supposed to be helping with the war effort by providing the army of Angmar with much needed ore from the nearby Isendeep mines. But my warband was tasked with thwarting a planned rebellion among the goblins of Grothum. Completely ridiculous. We have enough trouble fighting our real enemies; we cannot afford to divert much needed resources for the war effort into keeping these goblins in line. Their reasons for considering a rebellion: they feared that a ‘spirit of the mountain’ was provoking the nearby cold-drakes into unusual aggression, so they deemed this ‘spirit of the mountain’ to be mightier than Angmar. And so they were more afraid of this ‘spirit of the mountain’ and so decided they should follow that thing instead. I suspect this spirit of the mountain is related to the aforementioned river spirit. But it is clear that Angmar is having trouble projecting the might of Mordor. No one should fear a nature spirit more than the armies of the Dark Lord.
And now onto what I think is the greatest obstacle facing our war effort here. I am suspicious of these Angmarim. According to the usual procedure, I made sure that this message was delivered without their knowledge. I suspect these Angmarim have plans of their own that are contrary to those of the Great Eye. And I think this explains their utter incompetence as an army. Once they tried to promote a “new strategy”: that is allowing us orcs to “freely choose” a tribe blessing. That is completely ridiculous. That is not how orc armies work. And don’t get me started on the mission to ruin Yule they sent us on! That was just a complete waste of time! Us orcs are designed to fight for the Dark Lord, and I think these Angmarim idiots are getting in the way of us orcs doing our usual job. This is why I think that the main thing we need to win this war is more reinforcements from Mordor: whether that be access to more powerful magic, better weapons, or more properly trained orcs. Just one of these things should finally knock some sense into these Angmarim idiots. The orcs here, as stupid and undisciplined as they may be, have great potential. An orc Taskmaster by the name of Forzunk has been especially helpful. He always communicated his orders clearly and always gave my warband the resources it needed to properly do the job at hand. This is how an orc army is supposed to work! And the War-tyrant Akulhun has chafed under the command of these Angmarim fools. The key to winning the war in the Ettenmoors is to unleash the natural might of the orc, the natural might that the Dark Lord has put in us. And in order to do that we need more reinforcements from Mordor. Though sending more food supplies along with these reinforcements would also help. In my experience, nothing inspires the natural might of an orc more than the promise of meat. Other than the will of the Dark Lord of course. And this concludes my report. We’ll win this war soon enough.
