The farm was attacked again. We prevailed. I do not know why this surpises me so. There was some mysterious archer with white fletched arrows who was not a part of our ranks. I am not sure whether to be worried or not. They did not reveal themself.
Dem got injured on the battle field. I felt it but did not register that he got hurt. I am truly an awful husband. How could I not notice? Rae has said he is healing well adn recovering. I feel the pain constantly. I try my best to take on the feeling of the pain myself if possible.
How could I not notice? I am an awful husband.
The smoke is thick in the air and choking. It is not as bad at the Estate as it is at the farm. I am living with Dem at the Estate for now, as much as it hurts.
Everyone is trying to convince me the fiasco with Ric is not my fault. I cannot see it that way. I came in, taking Dem's time an attention. It troubles me greatly. I do not feel like he was ever mine and Dem's son, just Dem's. I have only ever been barely tolerated. Sure, Em was wary of Dem, but Em bore witness to my poor choices of lovers.
They also try to convince me I am not doing anything wrong in raising Em, I cannot say I believe them. I am only seing empty words to try and make me feel better. Every word and step I do is wrong.
I've rebuilt my mask thicker and stronger than ever. They don't need a broken father and a depressed, sorry excuse for a husband. I am better than that...
