Felt like things been going good, real good, with Missus Nettle lately. While there's still studyin' from the book, and I still struggle with the readin' and memorificatin' what's in it, now we come into spring more of the work is hands-on, or what Nettle calls 'practical'. And I always do better with that than I do with the talkin' and the tests. The practical got to wait until there's a horse as needs care, of course, but so far ever'time we had one, I was able for to figure out what I ought to do, can keep the horse calm for long enough to be doin' it, and do it so's Missus Nettle were pleased. She says if'n I keep this up, we might be done with the trainin' before summer is in full bloom, and she'll write me a letter as I can bring afore the guildmasters and petition. If ever'thing goes well I could be breakin' ground on a stable this summer as a proper master of the guild.
Leastwise that's what she says. I try not to get too hopeful. First, the last few things were easy, maybe, and the next horse might got somethin' wrong as needs me to know what's in the book. Now, if'n that were to happen after I had my stable, I could always go look in the book. Most the things what I can't remember quick are also the things that don't need to be treated quick. I know what to do for things like blood and bones what need immediate care. Asides, them's not the kind of things I'm like to have to do at my stable; if a horse takes that kind of hurt, it's unlike as it'll be treated at my stable, it'll be treated where the hurt happened or not at all. But Missus Nettle wants as I should know the answers without the book anyhow, and might be the next one got one of them ailments starts with an R that I can never keep straight. Plus, it might be as no horses take ill or injured what come to Nettle or Hengstacer so's I might got to wait for my practical. So I am takin' it as maybe by autumn I might be able to petition, and that's what I told Lumina. Don't seem right for me or her to get our hopes up just on account Missus Nettle is talkin' so hopeful, and then have it be disappointin'ly later.
I thunk as Lumina would be glad for to hear it. When I left workin' for Rosewood for to do this study, we thunk as it'd be at least a year, most like, and for most folk takin' up this kind of study it'd be a few years, but here it is only half a year and I'm already makin' good progress despite my troubles with study. I reckoned that even with me pushin' it out a season later'n Missus Nettle said, Lumina would be happy to hear. But things went the other way entire, and I come away feelin' all my dumb like twice a weight on me.
She talked about how keepin' home and carin' for Devi and helpin' me with study takes all her time, and so every day is the same and nothin' ever happens. And how she can't set up her clinic, on account she wouldn't be able for to take patients, on account she would still got to care for Devi, leastwise I think that's why. And it come clear to me that she gave up her dream so's I could pursue mine. I always thought she'd be settin' up the clinic anyway, and I asked her 'bout it many a time, and encouraged her, but she always put it off and I reckoned as she had her reasons. What do I know about how a healer runs a clinic?
But now it seems it were on account she felt as she couldn't do it and also be a wife and mother. And I always reckoned as somehow we'd be able for to do it, do both. I would work hard as were needed to do some of the things so's she'd have some time -- my study don't take all my time, there's only so much I can stare at that book and I only go to Missus Nettle one or two times a week now, or when there's a horse needs care for a practical. And if'n it's a matter of coin, we got coin set aside. And if there's a riddle to it as needs solvin' for how to make it work, Lumina's the smartest person I ever knew, and sure as she could solve it.
But she says there's not much of nothin' I can do to help with the work around the house or the care of Devi other'n what little I do now. I reckon it's on account such things take more smarts or more knowin' than I got. I barely learned how to do a little simple cookin' when she were strugglin' with carryin' Devi, and I reckon I do it worse'n even I realize and she were just bein' polite. I always knew I couldn't feed Devi, of course, but I reckoned as I could sit with her while I study, or when I ain't studyin', and could do other chores around the house, and suchlike. But that were just me thinkin' such things were more simple'n they are, or that there were less of 'em, or somethin'. She says there's no way I can do enough to make it so's she can do somethin' like to set up her clinic, and if she says it's so, it's sure as it is.
She says she knew what were comin' when she become a wife and a mother, and that's just how it is. And how it got to be. Says it wouldn't be proper for us to hire someone for helpin'; that's what lords and ladies do and it wouldn't be good for Devi, or some suchlike. And even takin' a few year atween Devi and havin' a brother or sister wouldn't be proper; she were worried Devi would then have to help raise that brother or sister, and no one should have to do that. (Even I ain't so dumb as to miss that she's thinkin' of how she herself had to do that when she were little.)
But for all she says this is just how it is, I know she's sad, and it tears me apart to know she gave up her dream for mine. I'd always been sure she'd be able for to do it all. If'n I'd known she couldn't, and that when I asked her to marry, and to be the mother of my children, what I were really askin' her to give up, I think I would have done things different. I should done stayed on with Master Rosewood and just stayed a journeyman, for one thing. And maybe we should waited longer afore we had our first little. But maybe that wouldn't been enough neither. I ain't smart enough for to figure it out. I only know I feel terrible awful about how it is. Now ever'thing about how things is goin' good with Missus Nettle feels sour. It's me havin' my dream at the cost of her havin' hers. I would never tell Lumina, but I keep thinkin' as I wish Missus Nettle would just tell me I couldn't do it, just fail and be done with it. Go slinkin' back to Master Rosewood and beg for my journeyman job again, and maybe somehow Lumina could have her clinic then. Or if not, at least it wouldn't be unfair with one of us havin' their dream while the other don't.
