(The following takes place immediately after A Package from Home - Asmalinde...Xan's Humble Chronicler)
Xanderian looked away at the maps as she spoke. “Yes you have made me promises Night Eye…others have promised me I would always know their care and love yet it was not to be…did they lie then, or did their hearts harden later? Shall yours harden, even if your words now are spoke as truth.” Her wild gaze flipped from Calidis to Eduwiges. “Can I believe ANY of you?”
Eduwiges stared at Xanderian, stunned by the outburst, her eyes wide as if she had been slapped. She was about to speak, to explain she had meant no harm and to defend herself when Cal put a hand on her arm, speaking softly. “Cyndwin has…left. Go see to our guest and bid her to remain as long as she might wish…I will speak to Rian.”
The taller woman nodded, looking at Xan as if she would do anything to ease her pain…but did as Cal bid her and departed, leaving the two elven women alone in the Hall of Journeys, Xanderian staring up unseeing at a map of Angmar, one tear running down her cheek.
----
Cal moved up to Xanderian slowly, finally settling on the bench next to her, stroking her hair softly. She was perfectly silent, allowing Xan to speak when and if she chose, and the two stayed like that for a fair span of time, the chamber quiet as a tomb save for Xan's unsteady breathing.
Finally Xanderian spoke, her voice still soft and breathy from tears yet bearing a terrible passion..."We try to seem so wise and speak of evil and the threats that bear down upon us from the East…Angmar…the Dourhand…the White Hand…the Crimson Eye…but what if the evil is amongst us, and has been all along, dwelling within myself and my sister, our very souls tainted by madness and death...what if this vengeance being delivered unto us is in fact justice? What if we deserve the fear and sorrow…yet you, and the others…do not. Why do we inflict our doom upon you, the blameless? Is that not simply our own cowardice, refusing to die alone?
Calidis looked up sharply and grasped Xan's hand tightly. "You are no evil creature, Xanderian, and those who stand with you do so from love, not due to some false cowardice on your part. What your forebears have done is not your fault. Those who unjustly laid that blame upon you were wrong to do so. Would that I could have done more in the past." She squeezed Xan's hand as sorrow crossed her features. "But I did not. I hid myself away and watched the years pass and resigned myself to that fate. I could have done more... I was wounded yes but I now, reflecting back from a better place, think perhaps I made my wounds worse."
Resting her chin on her knee, Xanderian sighed. “Those years I have lived, so few compared to yours, I did not watch. I believed as did my sister, that if we strove to protect, and fought the shadow, and proved our value, then we might be spared the fate our father doomed us to...but perhaps it was not so. I have abandoned my birthright in the west, and said I will fade here amongst those I love, but that is arrogance on my part....perhaps my fate will be far shorter and more abrupt then fading, a brutal conclusion and not a loving repose. After all, I originally dreamed of living out my years with Cyndwin beside me but…now I do not know what will be. We are trapped in a snare just as surely as Xanir was, and perhaps we will end up no different. A trophy…token of shame and triumph brandished by those we have wronged.”
Calidis set the box firmly aside and stood, grasping at Xanderian's other hand and drawing her up. The emotions she felt forming in Rian's heart frightened her. "No, you will not. Cyndwin must find her own path, you were right to let her go and she was right to depart but you have wronged none and are no evil thing." Her dark eyes seemed to become steely and the pendant about her neck pulses with light. "I have seen true evil. I watched it as it butchered my father like an animal while he screamed. I will forever know evil when I see it. And when I do see it I will show no mercy. Not even Hastaina can keep me from it. I will not let it have its way with you or me or anyone else."
Xanderian looked down. "I do not doubt your intent nor your stength Merifindiel....but more and more I feel that my fate is fixed, that I am but a pawn like a bird in a cage, and all Xandilif and I do in this world merely drags others into that same cage. Our fates were sealed when our parents departed, and whatever good we do is washed away by the taint of our blood. Just as a deadly storm may cleanse the beach and sky, perhaps Mans is a storm to deliver justice and cleanse this land...of us. After all, was it not my choice, deep in the past of your memories, that he should exist at all. Perhaps in the cruel wisdom of the stars I created my own demise. Ironic, no?'
Calidis blinked a few times and sighed in frustration as the unseen forces her anger to dissipate, her pendant's glow fading into nothing once more. "It cannot even let me have that..." She shook her head and wrapped her arms about Xanderian, pulling her close. "You did not create the evil of Mans....not did you drag me into any cage. I came of my own free will. If fate is indeed decided for us, you were chosen by the Valar to be my last chance and best hope."
Resting her head against Calidis' shoulder, Xanderian began to weep....then to cry.....the hopeless, helpless sobs of a lost child. Her voice was a broken, plaintive whisper between tears. “Calidis Merifindiel....I am...I am afraid....”
Calidis hugged Xan tightly and ran her fingers through her hair. "I know... I know you are. But you are loved, Xanderian. You are so loved... I will not let you go so easily, do you understand? I will swear every oath if you so desire..."
Pushing away slightly, Xan shook her head weakly, her voice strident. “NO..no more oaths....we took oaths, to protect him as our parents should have....and now he is dead and it is all because of us....and I am afraid....and she…SHE is afraid. I know she is..I feel it deep inside my heart though she cannot show it lest she break in two. If even Xandilif is afraid, Night Eye, what hope…what hope ddoes one such as I have?'
Calidis nodded softly, realization dawning upon her like the rising sun. "Your sister I think has always known fear, but she wears it like a suit of armor and those about her think it is something else. Even I was fooled. The girl, Finchley saw that first I think... There is still hope, sweet one. If this ring, something I thought long lost has been returned to me, hope still remains... I have to believe that or else I shall--..." She clutched Xan closer and fell silent.
Xanderian met her eyes, her gaze serious as she whispered like a little girl telling secrets in the night. 'It is different now...she feels the tide behind her, can smell it, I know she can...if Mans has brought forth the dead of Thangúlhad to destroy us then we have no where left to run, no disguise left to wear....we have no choice but to fight and then to fall. We have no word that can appease their righteous wrath, no tricks left to play...we are abominations. We will die, alone, as abominations.”
"NO...whatever comes for you, we will meet it with resistance. All of us.” Calidis smiled as reassuringly as she could, her voice strong. “You are not going to be alone facing this, no matter how much you might wish to spare us... Just because someone calls you an abomination does not make it so. I was viewed as a lost cause in Imladris. I was an embarrassing remnant of old sorrow that could not be fixed, yet you came to me despite that. I have walked through much sorrow since our meeting and... I am happy to have done so. If pain and sorrow were and are to be my lot it seems then I will take them all if it means I can continue to reside among those who would have me and you who saved me and would not leave me frozen in my long winter.”
Xanderian held her tighter. 'None are more worthy of spring time than you, Night Eye...'
Calidis smiled slightly and continued to run her fingers through Xan's hair. "I am finally leaving winter behind me. Though it lingers I cannot step back into the midst of it even if spring still eludes me. Nor do I truly want to. And... I confess, I no longer wish to fade alone."
Catching her breath, Xanderian nodded softly, her voice taking on more of the conviction Calidis was used to from her. “As long as I can abide...as long as I can keep the tide of hatred at bay, you will not be alone...none here shall be alone. Even a kinslayer may promise you this much.”
Calidis pulled away from the embrace a bit and smiled, though her pale cheeks were stained with tears. "You have me. Until the last of me finally fades away, you will always have me." She leans in and kisses the top of Xan's forehead. "Thank you."
Xanderian leaned against her...still weeping softly as Calidis held her close before speaking. "... When was the last time you rested? Truly rested? Upon the floor at my feet does not count."
Avoiding her eyes, the younger woman shrugged. 'I....I do not wish to rest...I do not wish to dream....Night Eye....I do not need to dream any longer...”
Calidis smiled understandingly. "Nor do I. But dreams seem to come whether I will them or not... I cannot keep the dreams from you if indeed they should come. But I can soothe what Irmo sends into something kinder if you would allow it."
“No…That which I would wish to dream of...is ever with me now...I do not need to dream any longer…I...I feel her.” Xanderian spoke fervently, suddenly filled with a feeling of hope that had been absent before.
Calidis raised an eyebrow, 'Her?'
Xanderian nodded. “Her...my Isilme. I dream her now while awake, feel her watching me, sitting near me....sometimes she talks to me. Calidis Merifindiel....do I run mad?'
Calidis pulled away slightly and looked at Xan with concern and minor confusion. "I do not understand, but wish to. Who is Isilme?"
Suddenly shy, looked away. “The daughter I may one day have...or perhaps that I am meant to have..fated to have....'
Calidis blinked and then slowly smiled as she practically crushed Xanderian to her once more. "You are not going mad. Do you not know, that many of our kin had dreams of their children long before they were brought into the world?"
Xanderian shook her head..."I am not as they were, the worthies of our past....
Calidis pulled back to rest her hands on Xan's shoulders. "Nay, sweet one, you are not as they were and some might think that a blessing. Just as these dreams are. My own mother dreamt of me a few times before I was begotten but to continue to see your Isilme as you have is a gift."
Xanderian smiled through tears...."Truly? That must have been a great comfort to her.....
Calidis nodded. "Perhaps. She and my father chose my names in that way due to what she saw. So do not discount what you dream as madness. It is no evil thing. Quite the opposite."
“Her name...will be Merileth...for Gwaelion's mother...but her mother-name...as I was dubbed Lethril by our mother, and Xandilif was Gawad, so shall she be Isilme.” Xanderian seemed to ease and glow just speaking the words
Calidis smiled serenely and happily as well. "Those are well chosen names... Fear not more dreams of her, Xanderian. If there is any sign of hope for you to hold onto, she may be it. It is clear that she is already much loved.” She paused for a moment, seeking to confirm what she suspected. “But what…of Hawke, yes?"
Xanderian nodded again, 'She is indeed much loved, even before I know if she will truly be....I...I feel as if she is a companion even now...a friend....is that wrong? I have spoken of it to Hawke and it....it fills him with light. But the time is not right...not yet....I...I wish other things to be more secure for Hawke...and for all the world.”
Calidis seemed relieved, '"It is not wrong. It is a gift. And it is also well you wish to wait. To bring a child into the world amidst strife is... unpleasant for all. But it is a future you may look forward to. I think even the girl Finchley would be pleased. Her heart is vast."'
“I....I have spoken to Small Finchley...of Isilme...and I know Lif has done so.” Xanderian paused, a brief memory making her frown. “When Hawke was…was lost, she was lost to me as well and my soul was crushed. But Small Finchley is...perhaps more eager than I. Isilme has spoken of her to me in my waking dreams...and calls her Emig. Whatever future awaits my daughter, if she is to be, involves Small Finchley as well.”
Calidis huffed a breath through her nose in amusement. "I would not doubt that. From what I have heard her say of her upbringing, she is quite fond of children. It makes me love her all the more” Suddenly her smile faded just a little. "I confess I was surprised at what she revealed to us finally. I... do not enjoy seeing one such as her with such a burden."
The huntress sighed and nodded. “There are many mysteries connected to this matter....I am familiar with the foul ways of Angmar, and such a brand is not placed lightly. I served many years in Angmar, as did the Banshee...we know well the horrors that the Iron Crown and the sorcery Guilds can inflict.'
Calidis grew somber, memories flooding over her. "I remember the days of war with the Witch King. Though I remained in isolation I watched as Lord Glorfindel led many from the Valley to contend with enemies from Angmar near Fornost... Would that Angmar never rose again to seek power."
The dark eyed elf sighed and continued. "Finchley is unlike me, who suffered in silence as a way to avoid pain. I think, perhaps, she wanted to face it head on as she saw fit... I envy her ability to do so but we must watch her closely. I do not doubt the strength of her heart. However she strikes me as one who will walk willingly into darkness to meet it despite her own fragilities."
Xan shook her head. “Xandilif will not allow her to do so alone...she is…protective of Small Finchley....I admit I have never seen my sister behave so.'
Calidis tilted her head a bit. "The two of them... they are a strange pair, are they not? Even I find myself uneasy when in the company of your sister. Her manner... puts me on edge. But the girl seems to hold none of that apprehension at all."'
Sitting down again, Xanderian shrugged. She had often found herself needing to explain Xandilif. 'My sisters companions have always been soldiers...the rough friendship of campaigners...She treats Small Finchley as a sort of...mascot I think...Yet her emotions are genuine...she loves her, is fervent in her protection and defense. These are simply not emotions the Banshee is adept at showing...or even feeling.'
Calidis nodded her head and sighs. "And even still, that girl will not be shaken off so easily. It is an odd comfort that Xandilif is watching her at least. I... have not been remiss in my craft. Just as I made things of power to support and sustain you all, so I have made for the Maiden if Madness. I just... find it difficult to approach her. But if the girl can as she will, I should have manage it as well."
You say, 'Xandilif is...not as difficult as most imagine.'
Calidis smiled and then let out an actual light laugh. "I suppose that is my cue to then pluck up my own courage." She shook her head again and sighed. "... We should rest. Dreams or no dreams, there is much to be done and little time to do it."
Xanderian nodded..."Lif seems committed to this expedition....
Calidis smiled a little sadly. "And the girl to your brother's burial. But that is for another day. You are entitled to rest before throwing yourself back into the fray. And I will not have you resting on the floor again."
Xanderian held her hand...."Come to my chambers?” Calidis nodded and squeezed her hand.
As they entered the Chamber of Stars, Xanderian paused to be sure someone was not already wrapped in the silken bedding...then paused, noting the disarray left by Cyndwin’s packing. Looking down she realized for the first time she had put on one of the shieldmaiden’s undergowns which hung a bit on her smaller frame. Touching the green embroidery at the neck, for a moment she appeared lost and desolate again, the tears beginning again silently. She remembered when she had had these made for Cyndwin, a lifetime ago in Bree.
Calidis sighed and stretched out, making room for Xanderian. “Do not mourn overly much…I think we shall see Cyndwin of the Westfold again, likely when we least expect it. You parted in love…which is more then most can ever say.”
Xanderian nodded and curled up beside her, wiping her eyes.
Calidis held Xan close and sighed again, running her fingers through her hair gently. "Rest, Xanderian. I'll not leave. Whatever we may face….”
As she slipped into slumber, Xanderian realized dazedly that she owed Eduwiges an apology for her hasty words…then she thought of her brother and the last angry words they had spoken to one another some years past. “I am not like you…” he had said. “Nor do I wish to be…your road is NOT mine. I will not share your futile labors nor your doom.”
It seemed fate had not given him a choice.
