Strange is my fate.. When you begin to realize and understand why you are the way you are, something else turns up, an event, a person, a thought.. and everything turns blurry again. It confuses me and makes me uncertain and I hate the feeling. At the same time, I am what I have always been, I get a notion and I act in the present now. Not thinking ahead, simply doing it, because it feels so right, right now. The thoughts of late have indeed been strange and nothing I ever believed would enter my mind and even less acting according to them. Silliness, I have always said, think I still find it utterly silly and that's where my uncertainty comes to play. I do not care what people might say, their words and opinions do not matter in the slightest and do not affect me, save for his. I do not want him to find me silly. What if my actions frighten him? I am used to lies, does he lie when he says he does not find it strange, the way I am acting? What if he actually finds me changed, strange, odd, not the person he says he loves? Might it just be all in my head, feeling uncertain for nothing? Or should I get a grip of myself, starting now? Do I want to?
We travelled North, to that same place where I found myself again after months of not knowing who I was. Bad memories I carried with me on the journey there and hatred filled me as I looked over the water when we finally arrived. I asked him to help me replace the bad memories with good ones, and he did. Underneath my skin, there is someone beginning to believe that maybe, maybe she is worth something after all, not just to someone else, but to herself aswell. I have never been much of a sentimental person, no one has had the ability to touch my senses, make me feel... all feelings there are, good and bad ones. I do not know what he did, but he found out how to. I will not question it, everything happens for a reason, Baedwulf happened for a reason and for whatever reason that is.. I am thankful. For so long I tried to simply ignore it, trying to run away, hide. Can you run away from something that seems so destined to happen? After all we have been through, each on our own path, our roads have seemed wanting to merge. It is clear to me now, I will not refuse it to happen anymore.
Yes, he helped me and he kept me warm, gave me a feeling of security, that feeling I have not felt since the day I left my home. He made a fire and we fell asleep. I do not know for how long I slept, but I remember waking up with that sensational feeling of.. belonging. I turned to look at him as he slept. I have done that before but this time, something new, a new sensation came to me. A thought, the strangest of thoughts and when I touched his skin, watching him dream, it was then I knew. I simply knew I wanted to, had to ask him. He woke, I could not find the words I needed. Uncertainty again crept into my heart, and to save myself embarrassment and hurt would he decline, I thought I'd make it sound as if it was all just dreams. I took courage to my heart and I asked him, because I wanted to, because it felt so right, right at that moment. "Marry me?".... I smile at the words thinking of them, they sound foreign to me, words I would never have thought would slip from my tongue. But there it was. I guess he was just as surprised as I was, really, and I did not expect the answer that he gave me. But it was welcomed and I felt... safe. He gave me a ring, a ring that once belonged to his mother. That in itself was insane. His mother's ring he has given me. Me. The no-gooder me. Is that not proof enough that he trusts me, believes in me.. that he cares for me? And me, asking.. is that not proof of how he makes me feel? Safe.... and silly.
