The day following the battle was mostly a blur to Xanderian. Following the somber ride back into Breeland, she helped to make certain the wounded were being treated, and plans were being made to convey Vandallan to Imladris. Then in the sudden quiet after the activity had passed, she found that she simply could not remain, and fled to the House of Three Graces.
Wandering through the vast marble mansion, she shed her armor piece by piece and found to her dismay that Cyndwin and Fillegedhiel were away, and Hawke had been left sleeping in Breeland. Xandilif had already ridden away in search of her runaway kobold. Alone, save for the cacophony of voices and memories in her head, Xanderian finally curled around beautiful Tuile, her favorite of the island's Guardian Trees, and wept herself to sleep...but that did not still the voices or the dreams. Horrible dreams.
When she finally woke, hours later, she heard the sound of movement in the house..and pulling herself to her feet, ran to it like a little girl, finding Hawke had returned. She stood in the doorway, her white undergown billowing in the soft breeze. At that moment Hawke was the most beautiful sight she had ever seen.
The young man was sitting on his bed, his weapons cleaned and put away, but in the aftermath of the battle he seemed different. He sensed Xan standing in the doorway and looked up, immediately concerned. "Xan? Are ye all right?" He rose and moved to her, jumpy, as if she might suddenly die again.
Xanderian struggled to meet his eyes. 'I....I am sorry'
Hawke hesitated to touch her but finally he rested his hands on her forearms. "Sorry?"
The elleth looked down...her voice smaller then he could ever remember..."I nearly led you to your doom...all of us...I was seduced by Mans all along, and never saw the truth. My brave one...you saved us all."
Hawke drew her closer, his hands sliding beneath her elbows. She sounded so quiet and forlorn...coupled with how pale and drawn she was in the white gown, it seemed to him almost like she was a different person. "Ye couldn't have known what was really gonna happen."
Xanderian just shook her head. "Years ago...he fooled me...so many days I searched for Cilyniton..never knowing it was all a trap...but if not for you, there is no telling what vengeance Mans would have taken'
Hawke shook his head, uncomfortable with such praise and anxious to shift it away, 'I got lucky.'
Xanderian was not to be dissuaded, 'I trained you well, but it was the courage and nobility of your nature which carried the day' She leaned forward and kissed him softly.
Hawke broke off the kiss, his words tumbling out. 'I...I had to do somethin'. I saw ye die, Xan....'
The huntress looked down again, her voice growing even smaller, 'I...I am not sure what I did.....Lilta sheltered me..and...something else...something I fear'
Hawke increased the pressure of his hands on her arms, his expression tense. She was being so unlike herself. Looking down, he was shocked to realize she was unarmed save for a strange knife on her belt...silver and onyx, with the designs of Angmar worked into the blade. Something about the weapon he recognized. 'What's that knife, Xan? And what do ye mean, somethin' ye fear?"
Xanderian continued to look down, 'It is the blade Erech threw...that...that wounded me. That...killed me. Lilta said he had intentions other than my death, which is why she could protect me...'
Hawke was horrified and he reached to draw the knife from her belt, his first instinct to throw it away but Xanderian gripped his hands. 'Xan!' It's evil! It fuckin'...
'I would keep it. I have named it Pride. It is a reminder, or a premonition of my failure...' Xanderian's voice nearly broke as she spoke, still unable to meet his eyes but holding his hands tighter. "I need to understand it...if not for Lilta...he had won."
Hawke was shaking, stunned. 'Ye don't need it, it's evil. Please...' A long silence followed, and Hawke gave up reaching for the dagger. He wrested his hands violently out of her grasp. "Fine." He stared at her angrily. Wasn't it partly her obsessions which had led to all this? No, he knew that was unfair, but the thought could not be taken back.
Xanderian saw the rebuke in his eyes...her face going smoother and remote as she seemed to crawl deeper inside herself. 'I'm sorry'
He regretted the small burst of anger immediately. He sighed and reached to push his hair out of his face with both hands. He wanted to hold her, but...was unsure how not to make it all worse. "No, I'm sorry." he whispered.
With a moan Xanderian curled in against him...clinging to him..and cried, sobbing like a child.
Hawke cast aside his doubts for a moment and just held her, his arms tight around her slight frame. "Oh Xan..." Hawke had never been troubled by tears or made uncomfortable by displays of emotion like some men. He let her shed her tears but his arms were tender, his hands supporting her.
Xanderian curled in tighter...whispering...."Gwaellion...I love you...I am so, so sorry."
Hawke heard his true name again and something like a burst of light flashed in the back of his mind, sudden and painfully, and he stifled a sudden exclamation of surprise and pain. He focused on holding Xan against his chest. "It's all over for now, Xan. It's all right, love."
Xanderian nodded softly..feeling the tension race through him and looking into his eyes. "What is it, my Gwaellion?
Hawke flinched visibly as the headache (or so he assumed) threatened to split his skull. He loosened his hold on Xan. "Nothin'..."
The huntress pulled away from him. 'No...you may not lie to me...what is wrong?'" Xanderian looked at you..her eyes...nervous, suspicious perhaps...no...dreading something.
Hawke sighed at his own weakness. He was supposed to be tending to Xan, not making her worry. The headache persisted, but the flashes of light did not reappear again. "Just my head, it's nothin'." He moved to sit down on the edge of his bed.
Xanderian was as persistent as always. 'What in your head....Gwaellion, it is important, after all we have gone through.'
Hawke shuddered in agony and rests his face in his hands, squeezing his eyes shut. The flashes returned when she said his true name, as if his mind were splitting in two. "Stop..."
Xanderian stepped back and looked absolutely heartbroken and terrified. 'What are you not saying, my urchin?'
"I don't know. It's just that my head hurts..." There was a sound...like a voice, whispering...just on the edge of his ear, but he had no words to explain and feared he was going mad.
Xanderian gripped the new dagger on her belt almost without being aware of it...her eyes growing wary as she backed away slowly. "Who are you...'
Hawke lifted his head from his hands, his eyes watery from the pain, and he glanced at her hand on the dagger. "Xan...?" He grew alarmed. He forgot his strange malady and stood up, more quickly than he should have and Xanderian drew the blade, the edge gleaming silver in the firelight. "What...What d'ye mean?"
Xanderian crouched slightly, nearly snarling. "ANSWER ME, MONSTER....what have you done to him?' She reached over her shoulder....but Heartbreaker was not there, left near Tuile and she sobbed again, suddenly feeling terrified and helpless without her bow. "If you have harmed him, Erech, I will hunt you to my last breath...I swear it!!'
Hawke wasn't sure what he was meant to do, and he hesitated to reach out to her again. "Who are ye talkin' to? It's just me. I'm sorry if I did somethin'..." His head was pounding.
Xanderian looked at him closely, seeking an answer to a question she was afraid to ask..."My urchin? It is you?"
Hawke nodded, trying to reassure her through his own pain, 'Aye. It's just me, Xan. Why...wouldn't it be?
The huntress lowered the silver blade, 'I...I don't know...'
He sighed. She seemed to be calming down. 'I'm sorry. I know we're both scared after...after all that happened. Shouldn't ye be restin'? Maybe ye...ain't alright yet?'
Xanderian nodded...and leaned against you cautiously. 'I...I fear to sleep any more...fear what he will say...and the dreams'
Hawke was unsure which He she meant, but nodded.. He'd been afraid to sleep too, and he could only imagine how difficult this had all been for Xan. "At least rest." He loosely supported her with one arm, his other hand resting on her opposite shoulder. He feared to touch the blue scar on her throat...but his fingers brushed against it, the low cut of her gown revealing her skin. The skin felt unnatural...and icy cold.
She looked him in the eyes again, 'Gwaellion...I am not sure how to move forward now, or even which direction is forward..I am not sure when I am...'
Hawke shuddered violently and the light exploded behind his eyes at her words; his eyes flashed white, or perhaps they merely rolled into the back of his head. His muscles failed him as if he were a puppet and someone had suddenly cut his strings. He slid against her and then toppled sideways. There was a sound like booming thunder, glass shattering, a woman screaming all at once and Hawke fainted dead away, Xan following him down to the ground, shouting his name..
The sounds reached a cacophony and then vanished, as if they had never been. Or perhaps it had only been in his mind. As Hawke lay on the marble floor of his chambers a white mist rose from his body, hovering...until it took the form of a woman kneeling over him. The form was thin and dark like smoke, dressed well but simply, hair pulled back by an elven diadem.
Xanderian watched the apparition, her head tilted...whispering..."Hail, spirit.
It took an eternity for the ghostly form to turn her head. She had few clear features now, much of her power spent, but her visage was one of intense sadness as she regarded Xanderian silently.
Xan whispered again, holding very still. 'I...I have felt you before...'
A nod, slowly. There was no bright light, no sense of amazing power as there had been in Kheledul. Merely the dwindling spirit of a woman long dead.
Xanderian shifted her speech into Sindarin, "Hail...Merileth of Gondor...'
Hearing the name she once possessed lent the spirit strength, if only for a moment. Her voice was the whisper of waves upon the sand, and her answer was also in Sindarin, redolent with the tones of Gondor. "You know me."
Xanderian knealt, facing the apparition. 'I know you. Your son...your Gwaellion...does not stand alone. I love him. Many love him. He is adored and protected....whatever mischief was done unto you, will not prove his doom. You gave given him your gifts."
The far-away sound of a woman sobbing rose and fell. Merileth's spirit bowed her head. "The sorcerer...Erech called me forth to torture him, my only son. When the chains upon me broke I grew fearful and fled to the only haven I knew..."
The elleth nodded, it all became clear in an instant. "Your only haven...your son...'
"I cannot linger. The Dead are not meant to plague the living." The spirits reached a smoke-like hand to touch Hawk's face, and Hawk shuddered in small spasms, as if in a mild seizure. "Lethril, you are called," Merlieth whispered.
Xanderian's eyes grew wide. 'I am..I am Lethril, Mother Merileth...I am here.'
Merileth turned her sad eyes upon Xanderian. "Your love is powerful. I pray that it, and what blessing I may yet pass on will spare him. My Gwaellion..." She touched the silver pendant of a gull which has slid from Hawk's tunic.
'Whatever he faces, Mother...he will not face alone. That much at least I can swear to you...' Xanderian rested her hand on the pendant as well.
The spirit wavered and the sound of crying echoed again. "Sweet Lethril. To hear you call me mother.... That my son should one day find the love of a First Born, I could not have hoped. I failed him. The footsteps of my doom hasten to find him...protect him, my dear. I cannot stay."
Xanderian spoke quickly, unwilling to let her go yet. 'He is strong and wise Mother...your blood is powerful in him, he will face your doom and best it...this I know. You did not fail him...it is through you and you alone he rises. He has done a mighty deed...the first of his mighty deeds."
The spirit keened. "That he should have to face such trial! Alas, alas..." The shadowy shape was flickering. "Terrible secrets, terrible lies...these you will find in Dol Amroth." Merileth rose and stood before Xan. "You love him." There is a strange forgetfulness in her voice.
Xan rose with her, nodding, her voice simple and straightforward. There was no room for misunderstand now between these two, his lover and his mother. "I love him..I do not fear secrets or lies...and neither shall he.'
Merileth could feel the darkness of the void opening to draw her away. "Bless you, Lethril. Forgive me." With just the whisper of a touch, she pressed her hand to Xan's brow, and a rush of images appeared. The same images that Hawk had been dreaming night after night. The flutter of swan wings. Vaulted chambers in a white tower. An angry young woman's eyes. A man of terrible countenance, whispering dark magic. Merileth upon a carriage bound for Bree, her hand resting protectively upon her belly. The images fade, and Merileth with them. A quiet whisper on the wind. "Let him fly, daughter. Let your heart fly." Then she is gone.
Xanderian closed her eyes....weeping. "Sleep, Mother..know that your son thrives'
Hawke lay still for hours, sleeping peacefully, his body no longer shivering now that the weight of the dead had lifted from his mind. Finally his eyes fluttered and he groans. "Sorry...I didn't mean to sleep..."
Xan swallowed hard, deciding their was no easy way to saythis, and say it she must. 'Gwaellion....your...I......I have spoken with Merileth. Before...I fell...I knew he had summoned a shade of her, but was not sure if he had the power to cast more then an illusion stolen from your dreams...but...but he had wrested her spirit from its rest.'
Hawke sat up from the floor, shaking away the cobwebs in his mind. "Merileth...My mother?" His head ached but the terrible pain wasgone, and his eyes fixed on Xan in horrified realization. "Ye mean...That bastard used her ghost? She spoke to me...Told me I was nothin', just a pawn..."
She nodded, 'Those were his words...he sought to use her shade...but he was foolish. The blood of my people was in her veins, she was not so easily controlled, even in death. Merileth loved you so..loves you so...I felt her, Gwaellion...felt her love and sorrow and pain to be parted from you before her time...I was within her and she was within me and she called me daughter.' Xan was weeping freely as she spoke.
Hawke wasn't sure why but when he reached to instinctively touch the pendant hanging from his neck, it warmed his hand. Tears appeared and then slid from the corners of his eyes. "She...She did?" He'd thought the Elven blood was so weak, and that maybe his mother had resented him before she'd died. "She called ye..."
'She called me daughter, for I love her son. Oh Gwaellion...she was all my own mother never was...she was so...warm and alive and...beautiful.' Xanderian felt like she was glowing.
Hawke felt his shoulders tense, because otherwise they would shake. "She was beautiful. She was so beautiful, so young...I thought she was an Elf from her stories, until I met ye and saw how perfect--" He stopped himself, embarrassed.
'She was of Gondor, descended from the days when the Kingdom was born of the Faithful, those who fled falling Numenor with the aid and love of my people." She touched his hair. 'Her forebears...YOUR forebears were great men, princes and knights'
Hawke gripped the pendant, the curves of the metal bird pressed into his skin. "Those were her stories," he whispered as he rose unsteadily to his feet, scraping his sleeve across his eyes to dry the tears upon his face. "I'm sorry if her callin' ye her daughter...if that made ye sad."
Xanderian rose with him..."Sad? I am unsure if ever have I known greater joy..."
The two embraced, sharing their tears. Finally Hawke spoke, 'I...I wish I had been able to talk to her....'
Xanderian kissed him lightly. 'I know...but such things are...best not...But you can feel her still."
Hawke reached to touch the pendant. "...Yes." He tucked it into his shirt, then leaned his cheek against Xan's.
'She has shown me your dream....we must go to Dol Amroth.' She kissed him again.
Hawke leaned into the touch of her lips, pressing a tender kiss to her mouth in return. His eyes opened and he sighed. "...I do know now if I want to. With all that's happened...what could it possibly change?'
Xanderian met his eyes resolutely "Change? Perhaps everything...or nothing...but that is all the more reason to set it all to rest. For her sake. We must ensure that Mother Merileth is at peace...we are all she has.'
Hawke nodded, the moment of discouragement and cowardice gone. "Mother Merileth...I'm glad ye can call her that." He straightened his shoulders. "I'll do whatever I have to."
Xanderian nodded...and kissed him slowly again...but knew there was a long road to travel before reaching the Azure pennants of Dol Amroth, and the anger of a Princess.
