Never ending pain

Amanda fell to her knee at her mother's headstone, her hands on her head as she closed her eyes and began to cry, she needed her mother, so much was going on with her... But nothing she could tell anyone... The monsters in her head were coming back to life, the brokenness in her heart was there, the pain she felt whenever she saw a woman with her child... The pain was almost unbearable, like she couldn't get through anything anymore... People have told her recently she's strong for having put up with this much, and Ms. Ces and Jade told her she was brave for pushing through the physical pain she felt just the day previously... She can't do this anymore... Every day another monster awakens, every day another piece of her heart breaks, every day she sees people laughing and smiling, and all she can do is try to act brave, but really, her world is crumbling still... How is she supposed to make it through this without her family? Even Mr. Kris is busy and not around to help her with anything, how can she tell him anything when she's upset and needs to talk when he's busy with work... Soon... Soon she'll go and find the answers she desperately wants and needs...

The monsters... The memories... They're too much to bear for someone so young, when all she wants is someone to take care of her, to make her feel safe again, for someone to tell her they love her, and not run away when it gets too hard, for someone to tell her they love her, and not have to leave for days to weeks at a time... For someone to love her no matter her flaws, or when she messes up in the worst way possible, and for that moment she betrays someone's trust, someone she loves and would give her life for, and still, she doesn't know how to earn that trust back... 

Survivor's guilt is what her aunt used to call it, and the people her aunt hired for her to talk to after her world began crumbling... And it's so true... She wishes she was dead and with her family, she wished she was the one that died, and not her brother, or her sister, or her unborn siblings, or her mother... She wants the pain to go away, but she can't make it go away without hurting the people she cares so much about, the people who are like a family to her... Like a brother, a father and a mentor, a sister... How can she get through life with this gaping hole in her heart? Every time someone fills part of it, they just cause a larger one to take it's place...