Alas, this entry must be more brief than the last, as not only do I have less to record, but the sun is already up and I am running behind. It seems the rest I so desperately needed finally granted itself to me last night.
Inexcusably, I forgot to mention in my last entry that I had seen Ina and Aren again, in the Sizzling Turtle. It was a regrettably brief visit, given the late hour, and while I was happy to see them - Ina in particular - there was an odd air over the pair of them. They were polite, but their smiles seemed forced, and their manner stiff. I could not very well ask them what was the matter, as there were others present. But now I am worried. What could possibly trouble such a happy couple? I thought perhaps Ina might be with child, but...wouldn't that make them joyful? It can't possibly be that there is trouble between them. I will not think that, it is too grievous to consider. Perhaps I will catch Ina alone sometime and be able to ask her, to put my mind at ease.
The rest of the day yesterday was relatively free of trouble, and I was glad for it. A soul can only take so much trying, after all. I paid a visit to my husband's grave in the late afternoon, and the sun illuminated the spot with the most beautiful and peaceful light. It seems odd to call it a grave when he is not buried there, but...what else am I to do? I find that it is all too easy to slip back into old grief when I am there, and the urge to lay down with my face against the cold ground and simply weep until I die is still present. I don't know if that means I should visit more often, or less often. But I feel closer to him there, and somehow, I feel obliged to do it.
I spied Briony in the Prancing Pony, and I would have pulled her aside to see how she was doing, and ask if she had everything she needed, but she was frightfully busy with her duties, so a smile in her direction was all I could offer. I noticed quite a gathering around Cesistya through the evening, which made me smile. She is such an inward, quiet creature, but her heart is the most lovely in the world, and it pleases me anytime I see another person being able to glimpse it, even in the smallest measure.
Another day passed without sight of Firithain, and I felt a prick of anxiety that he might depart without saying goodbye. Perhaps it would be easier on him to do so, but selfishly, I hope he doesn't. If any ill should befall him on his journey, I'd like to know I gave him a proper and heartfelt farewell.
Baldmar! My precious Baldmar finally appeared in Bree again last night! There aren't words for the emotion that overcame me when I saw him. My dear, old friend, so steady and strong and kind. I nearly broke down as I hugged him, and if it had been a more private setting, I likely would have. Besides Cesistya, he knew Conrob and myself the best, and I know I could grieve in his presence without embarrassment. But since it was the Pony, I calmed myself and he sat with me and Aeroden for a time, sharing his honey-cakes and talking with us. He had been wandering, of course, but promised he would remain nearby for the present. I hope to see him again soon, and have a talk with him alone. I have not yet met anyone - well, since Aldwyn departed - that I could simply pour my heart out to.
Aeroden remained with me after Baldmar departed, and the talk we shared was...very sweet. It is hard to describe with words. Soft, gentle, warm, tender. All of these apply. He has a way about him that is like a friend, but also like a brother, a father, a confidante. I cannot find a word for it. I shared with him my thoughts about Firithain, though my speech was stilted and clumsy and I doubt that I made much sense, even to myself. But he smiled and his smile is like a beam of sunshine, and it calms me even when I have no idea what I'm doing or saying or thinking. I believe he is a kindred spirit, and there is nothing else to it. What I've done to deserve his arrival in my life, I couldn't guess, but I am so grateful for it.
Already I write too much, and I can hear Jack stomping and snorting outside with impatience.
