It seems like a long time since last I wrote, but there has been so little to write about up until two days ago. I have no wish to reiterate my lingering doubts and fears about myself, my future or my various relationships with other people. My mind dwelled on them more than enough without me commiting them to this journal day after day.
It ia fortunate, then, that they have since been laid to rest. Blodwynn and Baradar have returned to Bree-land. They seemed both surprised and happy to see me, which was certainly a pleasant change from the others I once knew who I have spoken to since my return. They forgave me my transgressions, pointing out that I was not myself at the time and that it was in the past, for which I am truly thankful.
Blodwynn would not speak much on what happened back then save to tell me that I had acted strangely and spoke in a confusing and often non-sensical manner. She said that Davick had not quite known how to handle me, which may explain his currently cold attitude toward me.
Based on what he has said or, more tellingly, that which he refuses to say, I get the impression that he blames himself for something that happened then, although I cannot begin to figure out what that might be.
Baradar told me a little more of what occured, but not much. Rather than tell me all he knows, he chose instead to repeat Blodwynn's comments over me not acting or speaking as I usually would but he was kind enough to flesh out some of the sketchy images in my mind. Thanks to him, I now know that the high-walled ruins I sometimes see in the recesses of my mind are, in fact, Dellosad in the Trollshaws, that Davick had hidden me there for safety and that I had previously claimed that such was the place when the "shadows" first found me, whatever that may mean.
I do not blame them for keeping what they know to themselves. In part, I think they do it out of kindness - I broke once and perhaps they fear that I shall do so again if I know the whole truth. On the other hand, I am aware that the memories are painful and unpleasant for them both and that neither wish to relive them by speaking too much on the subject. As much as I desire to know more and fill in the blank parts of my mind, still I feel that I must respect their wishes not to speak of it.
In brighter news, I have learned that they were wed whilst I was away. I am happy for them and I am glad to know that they both find joy in one another; enough for them to share their lives so fully. They tell me that it is a secret, that not even her parents know yet, but that they will have another ceremony in time - a more public one that they wish for me to attend. Apparantly I have long since made a dress for her, so that is not an issue. I suppose I shall just have to find someone to attend the wedding with or else be the only woman there with a hound as an escort - although Arugru does make a handsome companion!
I also spoke to Seaver. He and I had a good heart-to-heart chat over what I did and how it has effected us both. Whilst he did not outright forgive me, he did state that I had acted in self-defence and that he understood my lack of choice in the matter. We spoke further after that, we even shared a drink, and I feel that even if we may never be friends then at least we can be civil with one another. That thought brings me a little peace and, now when it is in such short supply, I find myself imensly grateful for it.
Taloea came to speak with me again earlier. It has been quite some time since I last shared a conversation with him and this one was unfortunately shorter than I might have liked. Still, it was pleasant whilst it lasted. I am concerned for him, though; he seemed to be in some pain but he would not admit it and when he left, seemingly in a hurry whilst clutching his ribs, I thought it best not to go after him although the part of me that is driven to healing people sorely demanded it.
I also spoke to Donhelm once more. Again, it was a shorter encounter than one would have wished, but pleasant enough. I could not help but tease him over his drunkeness during our last encounter and the tale he told that night. He seemed quite mortified by it, but at least he now knows that I know what manner of man he is. Of course, I am not wed so I would assume that removes me from his realm of interest if my age, depressing nature and general stand-offishness did not do so already.
There is another man whom I met this evening who is worth a mention, along with a hobbit. The first, Connith is an older man of a cheerful disposition. We whiled away some hours having a very enjoyable conversation about the world and certain types of people in it whilst he tried to figure out what manner of person I may be and I refused to confirm or deny his suspicions. It was quite a lot of fun to keep him guessing. The other, a charming hobbit lass whose name I did not catch, stayed only for a short time and preferred to communicate in gestures although I got the occasional whisper out of her.
From almost complete solitude - save for the company of Arugru - to a day full of chatter. It is strange but not unwelcome.
