Today has been trying, very trying.
I was sitting in my favoured chair in the tavern. It was quiet. It was cozy. I was comfortable there. A man came. He seemed to know me but I could not remember him. The voice was not familiar to me and he remained shrouded beneath his hood for a while, his face in shadow. He told me that he was a friend of Blodwynn and thusly I welcomed him to join me on the basis of that association. I wish now that I had not.
We spoke for a time before he pulled back his hood. I knew his face, but it was not his face that I knew. He looked so much like someone else, someone I had once known. I was not certain why, but it filled me with dread. Not the man himself, but the one to whom he bore such an uncanny resemblance.
There were some comments he made then, some comments that should have meant something. I knew that they should, I knew that they did, but I put them from my mind. I did not want to think of them. I did not want to remember. Somehow, I knew that to remember this would be terrible, so I pushed it away.
I was not allowed to remain in the bliss of ignorance, though. Flannery came. She and the man exchanged some words. I left, then I returned. He left, then he returned. Then she bade me look at him and recall a night upon which Davick saved me in the woods. I did not want to. I feared it so much, but I did so anyway. I looked and I thought and I remembered and then I fled.
I did not want them to find me, so I went to a place that I knew they would never think to look. I went to the house that Davick occasionally occupies in Bree. I did not think that he would be there and I was right. I slipped in, found the darkest corner and I cried. For hours I cried. I cried for what I now know and for everything that I still do not. I cried for the knowledge of my terrible deed.
My wolf was not there, but still somehow I felt safe in that place; almost as secure and sheltered as I feel in his presence. I was safe from everything there - everything but my memories. For a time, as I sobbed, I felt the cold claws of the shadows reaching for me again but even without being present my wolf kept them at bay.
Later, when I felt stronger, I returned to the inn. That strength did not last long, though. Eaerthryll, sweet kind Eaerthryll. She found me there. She knew that something was wrong and brought me some tea. I broke down again with her; I cried again. I told her some of it. I told her what I had done and why without going into detail.
The more I think on it, the more I know. I know where it all went wrong. I still do not recall much of the time afterwards, but I recall what led up to my breaking. I know the reasons and I know what I have to do.
