I awoke beneath a bush, the leaf-filtered sunlight teasing my eyes into wakefulness. I must suppose that I chose such a shelter yestereve, but I do not recall doing so. So much of these past months is hazy to me now, like a dream from which I have shortly emerged.
My feet are set unerringly west now, but I feel no sense of urgency to return - not to Bree anyway. In my heart I know that I am not ready to face them, all those I have known and loved. I fear what awaits me, the reception I shall recieve. I fear their rejection and scorn and whilst I am aware that some, at least, will accept me with open arms regardless of my state of mind, still the uncertainty of what I will find there fills me with an unnamed dread.
I see more clearly now than I did before and whilst much of what has come to pass is too murky in my mind to make much sense of, I nevertheless have the general feeling that I have a lot to atone for when it comes to my friends and my mother. One in particular deserves much from me in that respect.
Davick. Ah, Davick. Never was there a man who could elicit such strong emotion from me, be it anger over his actions, sorrow for his words or heady joy on those rare occasions upon which he offered praise. Even Drevorin, as much as I loved him once, quite failed to provoke reactions of similar magnitude.
I look back now with a mind free of fog and I am forced to conclude that he is the biggest fear I have when it comes to going back there. I vaguely recall that he was distant with me before my departure, uneasy in my presence even. What will I find when I see him again?
I see no shame in admitting that his friendship means a lot to me, moreso than any other perhaps. He has always been there for me, often to his own peril, for little or no reward. Therein lies my shame. So much I have taken from him, and so little have I given in return. I will correct that in the time ahead if he allows it, but I fear that is a very big if.
Blodwynn and Baradar are owed much as well. I realise now that which I could not back then - namely that they were unwittingly dragged into problems of my causing, hurt, scared and yet still sought to take care of me in my broken state. I was far from accepting of their regard at the time and I never apologised for the trouble I caused them, nor thanked them for all they have suffered and done on my behalf.
My thoughts drift to my mother and the worry I have caused her. So many years were we parted, only to be reunited through sheer chance. Now, after all this time of her being unable to be a mother to me and her following me to an unfamiliar place so far away from her own people, I have repeatedly denied her the chance to be what she is.
And Raruccu, after all he has done for me and what did I do in return save avoid him in his happiness?
I am a terrible daughter and a terrible friend. I realise that now. This knowledge only reinforces my trepidation at facing these people again for whilst I am aware that I have much to make up for, I cannot fathom how to so much as begin.
