Changes

When I was a little child, something happened to me that changed my whole life. I don't remember much from before that day, but I remember the laughing faces of my mother, my father and my two brothers. Only blurred, but I know we used to laugh a lot together. I loved the colour white. I always wore white clothes. And maybe that was the reason why I am still alive. After that day, I used to have bad dreams. I did not remember them later, and I did not remember what happened, but I was told that my whole family was killed by Gauredain. I was found in the snow, alone, half frozen and half famished.
They wrapped me into my mother's fur coat and took me back to Jänis-leiri, where I spent the next two years. My name was Lumi back then, but most of the time they called me "The Silent" - because I have not spoken a word since that day. I wanted to, I have tried hardly, but without success.

Finally, my uncle Matti passed through our village and said I needed some change. He first took me with him to Sûri-kylä, and when my nightmares still did not stop, far, far away to the elven town of Celondim. I was about five years then, and I still remember my very first day here. I was so much taken aback by all the colours and all the interesting fragrances. Flowers where something incredibly amazing for me, I could not take my eyes off them. Lendaellin, who was an old friend of Matti, took me to her home and raised me like I was her own child. Although she felt more like an older sister. I grew accustomed to the peaceful and calm life in Celondim and my nightmares disappeared.

Yesterday something happened that changed my life again. I was walking down to the harbour, to invite Cardavor for lunch today. Lendaellin would serve her famous Lothlorien dishes. Suddenly, I looked into a pair of eyes that reminded me of something I had almost forgotten. The colour of the ice in our bay. An elf was greeting me very friendly and while he took my hand and I looked into his ice-bay blue eyes, long forgotten memories flushed back into my hearth. He was very friendly and for the first time in weeks I wished I could talk. But I had the feeling he understood me without talking. I would have loved to ask him for his name. Will I ever find out? Still now his "Govaded vîn 'lass" sounds in my ears and makes my heart pound. When he said good bye, he disappeared in an instant. Will I ever see him again?

This night, all my nightmares came back, clearer and sharper than ever before. I saw the ice bay of Forochel again, my mother, I remembered her singing for me and telling me stories, saw myself playing with my brothers - and then flashy and terrible images of gauredain. In the morning I woke up screaming and soaked with sweat. Lendaellin stared at me in shock, and when I told her everything was fine, that it had just been a nightmare, even more so. It took a while until I realised I had spoken again. I had found my words. After so many years. I am so moved, I am unable to have a clear thought today. So I took some paper to write this down. How will my life be from now on?

Suddenly, I feel a deep longing inside me. A longing for Forochel, for my old home. And a longing for things I can't even name.