My dearest Cirywen.
The stars are bright tonight as they were when we slept under their warm and comforting glow. I only wish that you could be with me here, in part.
The truth is I am suffocating. I am suffocating under the weight of my crimes. Like a treasure chest overflowing and ready to burst I have been struggling to maintain the tenuous grip upon my sanity. The weight of it is crushing me. I am not a good man. I am of my father's blood and the fate that awaited him I fear will be mine. It can only end badly. With me swinging from a rope. And for a long time I repressed this side of me. The darkness in my heart. Indulged the urges when they came and stepped away in order to do so. Returning then to society with that side of me firmly locked away. Not even acknowledging its existence myself. Yet as tight a lid I have kept on it and very few have even seen flickers of it there was a moment or two when I have lost control.
Sometimes it manages to fool me that it is not there. Yet it comes rising up sometimes. You give me respite from that. You make me feel warm and at peace. But the cold looks Haruthar was giving me. He thinks I will leave you. That is not what I fear the most... though I do fear hurting you emotionally also.
You broke down my every barrier. Willingly and otherwise. For what you read I would have had no choice but to kill whoever else read those words. But I did not kill you. I tell myself that what I do is ultimately better for society at large. I justify myself morally in the act of doing so. I direct my nature to those most deserving. That doesn't change the facts. That doesn't change the mistakes. Some of the monsters I have put in the ground I envy. How easy it must be for them without the anvil of a guilty conscience pressing down upon their breast. That they do not feel the strain of conflicting voices in their heads. It has been easier to get caught up in my own web of denial and keep this under lock and key.
I feel as if I can no longer do that. It has been very lonely. You aren't the poison afflicting my mind. The poison is my mind. I no longer want to be around anyone. I do not think I can keep up this merry charade any longer. I want to run away with you. Lose myself in a world of make believe and pretend. As I have done these past few nights.
With you, I cannot pretend it does not exist. You see straight through me I'm slipping. I do not know who I am. The lines between reality and the masks are blurred.
I wish to forget. I wish. I wish... I don't want to hurt you. I do not want to be the cause of your pain and suffering. The skeletons in my cupboard already pull on you. I can tell. I only have to mention the children that I have sired.
I saw storm clouds the morning your suitor spoke with me. I'm certain you noted the rains that morning as well. And I have said I will weather them. I know you do not believe in fate. But how else can a man explain the highs and lows. The tragedy of day by day. I have often laughed at it these past years. For the weavers of it will only continue to give their false hope and then wrest it away. I am half expecting to see a raven. Black as the blackest night. What other ill omens can come of this my love. I have seen things that do nothing to dispel my belief.
When I showed you the manor I did so in good faith. I so desperately want never to have to lie to you. But it wrenched my stomach. Made me feel as though the amount of refuge I have is ever dwindling. I have given up so much ground so swiftly. Each and every time I feel acceptance in my heart the voice whispering sour notes into my ear comes back. But there is still some comfort in acceptance. I needed to step back, slow down...
I write you these words my love because I do not know how to speak them. You were correct in observing that I find an ease in cryptic games. Saying a lot but revealing very little at all.
My hand is shaking. I nearly subsumed this parchment in flames.
I love you. I just wish I could speak with you. I am trying so very hard. If you have not reinforced your window. I feel the wind will once again bring me to you one night very soon. I am sorry for leaving you alone but I needed to take a step back with which to reflect.
Now if you will excuse me. I have a long walk to take in the darkness amidst a backdrop of foreboding and melancholic sound. I hired a bard to follow me and tonight we will compose a haunting symphony. I perhaps may venture into the Barrow downs for inspiration.
Your darkest knight, Seaver.
