I should have known.
I should have seen it.
I have been too blind, but the lesson is now learned. Happiness is for other people.
I had it again, for all of an hour. Drevorin and I were reuinited. We agreed to move in together, to try again, but it was taken away from us so quickly. I remember the feel of his lips upon mine, how hungrily he kissed me, how tightly he held me as if fearing that I would slip away from his grasp. I remember how warm he felt, how strong and solid and real. I remember the happiness, the joy, how it was to feel whole again, wanted, loved.
Now I feel naught but the emptiness of a hollow heart and the sting of the knife in my gut.
He sought to turn Drevorin against me with words. So soon after I had found a true smile again, he did all in his power to take it away. He succeeded.
That was not enough for her, though. She attacked without warning, cutting me deeply with her blade and then continued to hurt me as I lay helpless upon the ground.
Drevorin...
Drevorin just walked away. He left me there saying that he did not want me to get hurt again. He abandoned me.
Am I not good enough? Do I not deserve to be happy? What have I done that is so wrong that I must be punished every day from my fifth year onwards? Sixteen years and still fate decrees that I have not atoned for a crime I know not of.
Happiness is for other people. Pain, betrayal, suffering and lonliness are my companions.
The blood flows and old hurts wither, drifting away on the crimson rivulets like so much flotsam, but the new ones remain. They sit in waiting, seeking to take the place of those that now leave, ready to slip in to the vacated spaces. So much blood; on my hands, my clothes the bedsheets, the floor. So much sorrow, yet more lurks in dark places ready to pounce.
I am alone now. Alone I shall remain. Never again to be discarded so callously by one whom I adored. Never again to give my heart away.
If this is an ending, then let it be so.
