Thendryt left the group of Elves and walked into the night. His wounds hurt, but he liked the pain. It was the good kind, the healing kind. He never minded those.
Lucky? What did Elves know about how lucky or unlucky he was? He thought of Bryn, Odak and Myrith. He thought of his upbringing, his training. He thought of himself, as he sat down beside a torch. He knew he’d fight Angmarim until he died. For all his time in Carn Dûm. It was more than revenge, he never wanted anyone to go through what he did. Never wanted anyone to be so frightened, so full of fear. Never wanted anyone to experience that pain, that brutality, the hopelessness. His mind traveled back to his time in imprisonment. He lost himself in the memories of his past, so much, that he didn’t even noticed Elisbeth walking up to him. He looked up at her, as a tear went down his face.
“I’m not lucky.” He said with a low voice. “You of all people should know that.” He realized his situation and pushed his feeling deep down, where they belonged.
“I know, I would never say that someone who has been through what you have is lucky.” She replied. “How are you feeling? Lilleduil is complaining that you are undoing her work by being out of bed.”
Thendryt looked out over the dark landscape, now fully in control of himself.
“Lill did good work.” He said. “These wounds will heal neatly.” He looked down on his stomach. “I might have messed up this one, but it’ll be fine.”
Elisbeth nodded and looked towards the horizon.
“I do believe you are fated, perhaps… There seems to be a reason why you still walk amongst us, when, really all the odds have been stacked against you at times”
“Fate?” Thendryt said. “I doubt that.”
“Destined, then.” Elisbeth replied. “I do not know truly, just at times… I get a feeling about certain individuals. Of course, I could be wrong.” Elisbeth smiled slightly and shrugged.
“To be honest, I might not be here after the next mission. Or the mission after that.” Thendryt smiled to himself. “Lill is right, to an extent.”
“About what?”
“About what I do, about what I might crave.” Thendryt looked at the palm of his hand. “It’s not good for anyone else, but I crave it.” Elisbeth tilted her head as she listened. “I try to keep the other Members out of it, as much as possible. I don’t always succeed.”
“I do not understand, what is it that you crave? And do?” Elisbeth asked.
Thendryt looked at her.
“When you live in pain for such a long time…” He began. “You change. Bit by bit. Slowly.” Thendryt broke eye-contact.
“And now you feel you still need pain to live?”
“What I’m trying to say is… During my time in Angmar, I survived by living on pain. I became accustomed to it. It was part of everyday life. Now…” He smiled and looked at her again. “Now, pain is the only thing I trust. It keeps me focused. Keeps me sane. I don’t know what pain means to you and your race, Elisbeth. But for me, it’s the only thing I have left.”
“I have heard of such in other warriors who have been through similar situations, but I did not believe it could be so.” Elisbeth replied and furrowed her brow. “Or perhaps I did not want to believe that someone could need pain.”
“I don’t expect Elves to understand. You live for centuries, you’re immune to disease.”
“Actually, it was from another Elf I got a little inkling of something similar, though he did not put it into words such as you. His had a pain of the mind and heart that ripped at his very soul… He was broken in many ways, yet also one of our best warriors.”
“I suppose some Elves can be broken too.” He replied. Elisbeth looked down on him with sadness in her eyes.
“Yes, some of us can also be broken. What is unleashed in this world can reach all of us, no matter our race.” Thendryt noticed Elisbeth’s look.
“I don’t need your sympathy.” He said, sharply.
“You do not have it.” She replied. Thendryt nodded. “You have my compassion and you have my concerns, as a friend. I know what you are to the Warband Thendryt, and for that you will always be held in my heart as a friend.
“Don’t think too much of me.” Thendryt said. This made Elisbeth laugh, and he couldn’t keep himself from laughing with her.
“I probably think more of you than you do yourself. But I quite like the irony in that.”
“That’s your mistake.” Thendryt replied, with a grin on his face.
“I might be a leader, but I am not infallible.” Elisbeth replied, with a grin of her own.
“So it would seem.”
“I have a tendency to favour those who might seem lost. Or at least that is how Khalis sees it sometimes.”
“I’m not lost.” Thendryt said with a blank expression. “I know where I’m going.”
“Towards the next mission, is my guess?”
Thendryt looked away for a moment before continuing.
“Not quite. Just do me one favour, Elisbeth.”
“Of course.”
Thendryt met her gaze.
“When the time comes, bury me along the Bruinen.” He smiled slightly. “I like that river.”
“That would be fitting…” Elisbeth replied, and nodded slowly.
“One more thing, if you would.” Elisbeth looked at him and smiled.
“This conversation of ours. They never happen. The others need not know anything that is said between us.”
“I am always discreet and can easily forget a conversation.” She replied. “After all, there is so much leadership stuff in my head.” She continued and chuckled.
“Can I ask you something too?” She smiled and looked out across the river. She looked a little concerned.
“The attack on the camp… Was it the right thing to do, do you think?”
“You ask if I question the Captain’s orders?”
“No, I know you followed the Captain’s orders. I ask, as a friend, were we right to go into the encampment undermanned? Do we risk too much? I sometimes think we are not enough, and that I ask too much of you all.” Concern didn’t suit her, he thought.
“Well…” He said. “I would’ve gone in with less.” Elisbeth laughed. His tones was playful, but also serious. “Hell, I would’ve gone in alone. Though… Maybe not a frontal assault.
“You are as crazy as the rest of us, Thendryt.”
“Even worse than the rest of you, if you believe some.”
“Well, I chose what I believe and glean between the lines.” She replied, as she smiled.
“I’m the scarred Man who is addicted to pain, and you claim I’m crazy?” Thendryt said. “Crazy doesn’t even begin to cover what I am.”
“When you put it so eloquently I do not know why I worry so much.” Elisbeth said, maintaining her smile.
“But in regards to your question.” Thendryt’s tone was more serious this time. “No, I do not think you ask too much of us. I am here because I chose to be.” As he ended his sentence, rain started pouring down. Thendryt closed his eyes and turned his head towards it. Letting the water cover his face and flow downwards.
“Perhaps you should go into the shelter once more?”
“Maybe.”
“Come.” Elisbeth gestured towards the campfire in the distance. “You will put Lilleduil’s mind at ease somewhat. Or at least she’ll quit complaining for a while.”
“Fair enough.” Thendryt replied, as he rose. “But make no mistake, no one else will hear the words I spoke to you. I am not changing who I am.”
“None of us can change who we are. We simply have to work out how to best use what we have. And you can be assured I will not repeat your words.
Thendryt nodded and they began to make their way back.
