I went back today. I should not have, but I did.
I have tried to keep my clothing in good repair, but the occasional stitch is not all they need. I wash them in the river each morning, but I can hardly wear them whilst washing them if I truly want them to be clean and being undressed out in the open leave me feeling very exposed. What if the few people who know of my whereabout drop by whilst I am indisposed in that way? The thought makes me shudder!
So I went back to Bree. I did not stay long and I was careful, flitting from shadow to shadow the same as I used to. My appearance makes the locals blind to me anyway; no-one likes to see a tatty little beggar girl just in case she might ask them for money or engender feelings of pity or guilt in them. I am no beggar, but that is not the point.
I was careful and I did not steal. I looked only for cast-off material discarded by the tailors of the town. It is surprising how much people throw away. Food, clothing, utensils, even furniture. Most of it is not broken or rotten, but they decide that they do not want it so they throw it out. Such a waste and yet I can only be thankful for this.
It did not take me long to get what I needed, but then a thought occured to me. How could I make these clothes? Yes, I had a small sewing kit, plenty of thread and needles, but no scissors! All the scissors that had been discarded around the tailors shops were broken beyond repair and I had no money with which to buy more.
Against my better judgement, I walked from Bree to Lislow. Baecere would have scissors and he would not mind me taking them. Whilst I was there I could also pick up my lute. Still, I did not want to go back there. Not yet. But I had to.
I still had the key, so I unlocked the door. I walked in and looked around. Everything was exactly as I remember. It was so warm and homely, so peaceful... but it did not feel safe. Baecere was not here. He had not been here in some time. It was clean, dust free and exactly as I remembered, but it no longer smelled of him. It no longer felt of him. It was just a house now.
I went into my bedroom, ran a hand across my bed. For the longest time I just stood there staring at it. Oh, how I would enjoy sleeping in it again. Oh, how I would love to just lie there in the warmth and comfort, tucked up beneath my blanket with a book in my hands whilst I listened to Baecere moving around in the main room. I wanted that all back again. I wanted things to be the way they were!
If he ever came back, if he ever accepted me back into his home after I had run away, if things could just go back to the way there were, I would try harder. I would do better. I would make myself be stronger and healthier and more brave. I would do it for him, to make him smile, to make him happy. I would do it to be safe again. I would...
I wiped my tears away and then I left again.
I am back at my camp in the ruins now. I will start my sewing at mornings first light and soon I shall have new clothes. My lute sits nearby but I have no wish to play it. The last time I did so, I was in the garden of Baecere's house. I was happy. I am not anymore.
