Dearest diary that I keep ever so close to me......It has been.....almost twenty years from my last entry. So many things have happened of course, but only a few memorable ones. My life changed twenty years ago when I saw her. Those black eyes peering back into mine from underneath all of that cover....I knew I felt something right away, some may say love at first sight is silly...but it is not when you find your soul looking back at you from the body of another.
It was her....Khar'el......Khar'el of Gondor as I later found out. After all of the lies had been sorted of course. I find myself on this trip...to Tharbad, I have had much time to think...my mind is finally clear and true. Everything has come rushing back to me. My love, my soul, my mate, my life...she has passed. Like all things do. Humans pass like water in a small brook and they are torn out of your life like a tree in a thunder storm.
But why must I suffer too long? She asked me to move on quickly. So I did! At her asking no one elses, only my love's. This is what she want's is it not? Me happy...my love Layiwen at my side. She would approve.....yes? Is what I have been telling myself these past month's. I know one thing...that is that I love Layiwen....very much, she is very special. But I loved Khar'el more.....I always will have, there is not replacing her. And am I being too fast? Am I spitting on my lost souls grave? Many questions I have...many..no...all of them without an awnser.
I sha'll talk to Khar'el soon.....tell her of my life...everything. Probally cry again like those month's after her death. Men like myself may look strong yes.....but some of us have sides we would dare not let our enemies see.....and I have a strong one.
The ring is already picked, the plan set, the heart wanting. But can I propose to her yet....is the biggest question....my mind is filled with so many of them. After this bloody trip that is probally bad intentioned will I know.....not only am I looking forward to seeing Layiwen, figuring out my heart's true feelings. But I am content in knowing that my darling Maeria is pregnent! On her ninth month now! So very happy this makes me....my heart swells for her and her love, may they have what I did....
My son as well.....the strong smart soul that he is.....Harm'el, Harm'el Winters. I am proud to say this....my own flesh, and Khar'el put into one perfect son. He has proposed....so Layiwen tells me. My words in the past have been foolish...and he is afraid to tell me, embarrased.....no more, no more hurt or idiotic bamble.....I will let my mind lead me, my true self.
Oh...it seems I have been....blabbering on.....so much is on my mind...time....is passing....how much time do I have left? Enough? Will I die tomorrow?.....only you can tell time...fate....my mistress, my guide, my hate.
