There has been much to think on of late and so little of it has been pleasant.
Vaenthal is still missing. He left without word and I have heard nothing of him since that time. I worry for him, for his safety but I have no one to ask after his health. He has simply disappeared, melting away like a shadow in the night. I know not if I will ever see him again and although I still cling to his memory and the hope that he will come back to me, I can feel him slipping further and further from my grasp by the day.
Whilst my doubts and insecurities claw at my soul, tearing me apart piece by tattered piece, I try so hard to hold myself together for the sake of others. They look to me as some kind of saviour, a light guiding them through the darkness and I cannot understand why. I am naught but a troubled woman seeking to overcome a haunting past. Try as I might to deny it, I know that I have long since become... unstable. The world around me crumbles, inside I wither and fade, the life sucked from my bones as I drift along like a leaf on river. I am desperate to find a handhold, a rock to cling to, but all I can do is drown.
They do not see that though. Theoger, who turns to me for salvation for his cousin. Lustwyn, who relies upon me to banish her nightmares. Vaeshiva, my mother, who sees naught but the baby girl she gave up so many years ago. Esfin, in such a desperate need for someone to believe in that he turns his gaze to me. Cyfier, dear Cyfier, the man I am destined to fail.
He sought a new path, this dark-haired wild man. He sought a new direction, so different from his violent past and I, in my foolishness, showed him the way. I thought to help; my intentions were pure. I never believed for a moment that I would save him, only to destroy what he has created for himself. Sometimes he looks at me and I see such faith in his eyes. Sometimes the words he speaks are overwhelming. He is so very protective. He would do anything, everything, to see me safe and that... that kills me. Were I to die, he said, he would become lost, reverting to the man he once was to seek vengeance for my demise. I cannot live forever, though. One day I will be gone and the man he has become will die with me. I will be his light no more; I will be his destruction. I would give anything to prevent that day from arriving.
Meanwhile the legacy of the creature named Loor lives on. Men in masks fashioned to look like boar-heads. Fools and fanatics believing the diaries of that madman are some manner of divine truth and prophecy. I have heard them speaking of me and of him. Esfin tells me that they call themselves The Legion and that he was once counted amongst them but is now their enemy. I do not trust him, his adgenda remains unclear, however I have little choice but to turn to him for aid. They must be stopped, these misguided men and women. They must be prevented from whatever it is they plan. Having spoken to one who claimed to be their leader, I know that I am safe for now, but that cannot and will not last. Some of his words make me uncertain as to their intentions toward me, and of the intentions Loor held before his death. My only hope of learning what they have in store, I think, is to find a copy of this diary, to see the truth of Loor's addled mind. Only in possessing knowledge can I be certain of finding a way to be free of him and of them.
