((sloppily penned in Lumi-kieli and tear-stained))
We have two separate rooms at the Plough and Stars and they are in the other one together. I cannot help but imagine every sound I am hearing is them. They try so hard to reassure me. But they would not know if this is the beginning of the end. What else would it look like? She is so full of guilt about how she feels, and afraid of hurting me, and that probably means that her feelings are the kind that will hurt me, and she does not yet realize this or is not yet ready to accept it. He speaks as if he knows us, but he does not know me, and even if he knows her -- I do not even know how they met or how much time they have spent together, everything has come as a surprise that I found out about only after things had happened, so how much more surprise is there still I do not yet know about? -- even if he knows her, he does not know us, what we are together.
I told him it had always ended like this, but that is not really true. It has always ended, but it was never as much as this before it ended, and it never ended quite like this.
I always thought one day we would find someone. For one thing, we wanted to have babies and we could not do that without finding someone. I just thought we would do it together. It is that this all happened without me even knowing it was even being thought about, let alone happening, until it was already happening, that scares me so much.
But there is nothing I can do or say. It would be wrong for me to say anything of my fears. It would be hypocritical. And even if it were not wrong, it would be counterproductive. The only thing I can do is be supportive. If I show my fears that I will be left behind, given the way she feels, how strongly and how swiftly and how guiltily, I will end up being the cause of the very thing I fear. If there is any chance that this can end without me being alone, it will involve me being supportive and keeping my fears to myself.
Except of course I told him about them because I had to, to get him to promise me he would be good to her when I got left behind. Probably he is telling her already. Or will be once they are done with other things.
That this is happening while I am walking towards Lumi-mâ seems an omen. Maybe by the time I reach there it will be clear that I should not return. Mom will be so amused and smug.
