The trials of the shards were finally over. She had not had to face the Betrayal Shard after all. Ryheric had decided that Silver would face it in her place. She had not been happy about the idea but she had understood his reasoning. The way he had looked at her spoke volumes, he had tried to kill her and he struggled with what that could mean about who he was. He could have killed Aerluinil. The fear, the shame, the anger, it pushed in on him and she didnt know how to assure him that he was not the monster he had been trained to be, he had become more than that, the shard had pushed him to that place deep inside that they had all kept caged.
She had felt it. Those caged places inside of her forced forward by the shard. She had been to the deepest parts of her fear and become nothing more than a quivering mess. Yet every day she was in the constant edge of fight or flight due to what her brother had put her through since she could walk. Her whole body trained to be on edge, in heightened adrenaline, overwrought, hyper vigilant beyond what a normal person would be, and yet she could function better than most people. She was able to function in a way that made her seem a bright, natural practical woman. Though she could not stand to be touched, no one could tell unless they tried to touch her. The shard though bought her to her knees and made her unable to function in any way. Tears strangled inside of her. Choking on her own breath. Her muscles twisting painfully inside her body tearing against her own bones. Her body unable to function in any form at all.
The shame shard and torn her down where she could not see a way out. She had actually attempted to take her own life during the constant assault of the shards attack. Only the image of her brother trying to kill her had inadvertently caused her to grab her own dagger stropped her doing so, then the intervention of Ry pulling the dagger from her stopped her succeeding at all. The shame had been so intense she had meant to end herself even though she had lived with her own shame at how she felt at the hands of her brother, her defeats, for years without feeling such a need once.
The anger shard had assaulted her in such a way as to have her fling harsh and nasty insults not just when it was faced, but on no less than three other occasions. It had bit by bit caused her to become more and more aggressive till she had become violent. Attacked people. Brutally and violently assaulted. Even striking out and harming. This was not who she had been since a child when she had had to fight tooth and nail against her brothers friends to try and get away from them. To try and avoid the various tortures she had suffered. She had long ago learned to master her anger. Yet it had risen up like a tormenting beast and claimed her in ways she had long ago mastered. It was not who she had been in so long that it consumed her.
The shards had bought forward a person who was not who she was. A monster that she could become if the shards seed took hold. A sorcery that was evil and vile and she could see it, feel it. It was not who she was, but it was what she could become if she ever sunk the the very depths of her darkest self and let it consume her. If the shards had won, it is what she would have become. It scared her, haunted her. The shards had left a shadow in their wake of how dark the world could be.
Then after all this. She finally found out that the rumor of her being a flirt, of her being someone she wasn't had a starting point. It stung. She finally understood why Cwen had looked at her that way, why the shard made her say what she did. Other things began to fall in place. It hurt. It wasn't entirely unexpected. Trust was such a hard thing for her, how much to give was always a balancing act, where to give it harder still. Another lesson learned. The world felt colder again. Closing in more. Why couldn't people just understand that she just wanted to put herself together, she wasn't a threat. She just wanted friendship. Everything else was too difficult at this point. Instead they had to drag her into these shadow games. She wasn't interested. Find someone else to play.
