I like the dark, I feel like it inside. Like I'm wicked. I'm being punished for what happened, I know that. Though it were my choice. I kept being told it were -my- choice. They would have been there for me, like they were last night. Me family, me friends. I can't stop this feeling of hate though, I want to scream at him, make him go through everything I am right now. I were cast off like yesterdays underwear, another thing, another experiment, it were all I ever were, all anyone will ever be.
They stayed with me, a long, long while. I know he has his company too, they said, sticking their noses in as if they blimming care about anything other than their own curiosity. I'm not surprised, it were inevitable. Carrion birds. I gave them beer, a brew Pa had made special for the autumn, though I think it were needed, it were indulged in a bit too much by Mister Blida. I've promised them more, I'd give them a blimming mountain of gold if I had it, they've stood by me, they held my hand, they gave me strength when I needed it.
Ma Denton, Quentin and Alys came by this morning, thumping away on the door till I opened it. They knew something were very wrong, but didn't press. I were in bed at the time, it helps with the pain and the bloody awful sickness. Alys laid next to me, Quentin on the end of the bed, Ma Denton cleaned up the place. I don't feel up to the cleaning. They were talking about family and all, Alys about the stable lad whose started down by the West Gate, Quentin more about taking me to some farm instead of Jack so I can pick out the goats, though he kept asking if I were alright. I hate that, when I ain't alright and someone asks, I just fall to bits. Alys cuddled me when I did.
I miss me other friends, Lincoln, Balnirar, Ath, Max, but I cant get to town, not yet. Things will be worse before they get better.
