We've passed the halfway point of the journey. Finally there is no turning back.
I almost did. Turn back. Several times.
To take the beast up on his challenge. See how far I'd get with him biting at my heels.
It was nice to think about, killing her. Nice and terrible at the same time.
I had it all planned out. Not a dagger, like I said. Too close. Too risky. Too hard to get a good overview of what would follow.
A bolt, shot from above to drop her in the streets. In the open. Right in her stupid belly and she would die slowly. Knowing the child was lost. Maybe even lasting long enough to see the beast's pain too.
He would know it was me. But I would have put a note on the shaft too. 'Come get me.'
Haha! That would get his blood boiling.
Distance changes things.
When I was standing in their home the thought of his anger almost had me frozen in fear. It cowed me and made me regret my words as soon as I uttered them.
Now it's something I entertain myself with during the long ride.
That is all it is. Something to chase away the boredom.
A jealous child's fantasy.
I wouldn't get far.
Distance and time changes the meaning of her words too. I understand them better.
I couldn't see what she meant at first, when she said she had been worse and that the scars were something she was forced to live with.
Now that I have thought about my time in Bree. My time near her. Of our differences.
She is still broken under that friendly and welcoming surface.
Not false.
Untrusting. Suspicious. Always three steps ahead out of caution.
I don't think she believes she can fully count on anyone besides herself.
For all her talk about putting things in the past and moving on with your life, she still behaves like she is expecting a knife in the back at any moment.
I wonder if she even fully trusts the beast. Maybe...
Because of something I remember he said once when I was finding out where his sore spots were? 'Those words will hurt like nothing else, but only when she is the one who says them.'
She knows that she can cripple him and leave him in ruin with a single phrase.
She must know...
I almost pity her for not knowing what it is like to be able to count on others.
To put your life in their hands and know that they will hold it as closely as their own.
Thinking on that... I think I have found a way I can finally beat her.
She is still shackled by the past even if she denies it.
I'm not. I won't let it drag me down and influence my life and my choices.
I'm going to cut out that nasty part of me and let it rot on the side of the road. Forget about all of it and start my life anew, free of bonds and old ghosts. Do what she cannot.
I will prove to myself that I'm stronger than that.
Starting with forgetting her.
