((These are stream-of-consciousness fragments from Nimlith's meditations. Nim doesn't keep a diary, but she reflects on recent events that trouble her in this way.))
I wish leading would come easier to me. Some seem to handle it with such grace, and great desire for it... yet twice I have been called a leader in the recent days, without ever having wished for it.
What makes a leader? To have others follow them... to be able to convince others to follow them. Yet I do not wish for anyone to follow me into danger, even of their own free will. And though my need for allies is great, I dread even more to endanger my friends.
And yet, they said they would follow me... I have heard the echo of my own words here in Annuminas. When told I was a leader in the Old Forest, I replied to them that they came of their own will. Yet here in Annuminas, I told them that I did not wish to lead them into danger, and they replied the same to me.
It is a confusing thing, and a burden of sorts. I did not ask for command. Circumstances have forced my hand on this occasion, and I am just performing my duties as a spirit-speaker when we sing to the trees. Yet the path I must take will bring me further into this war. I would rather guide the decisions, hand the burden of leadership over to one who desires it - one who has the experience for it - but who?
But the battle has been fought, the first step is taken. The mission of taking out the leaders of the Angmarim was successful. We have removed the minds behind the planned invasion, and the Shire and Evendim shall be safe for now. My friends are weary, but none was hurt grievously - not in body at least. I have led them into danger knowingly, but their prowess and skill has brought us victory.
If you can call a slaughter a victory - for I still feel the blood on my hands, hear the sound of their cries. Yes, their leaders were evil - dark sorcerers, stained deeply by the Shadow. But of the guards - I am not sure. Of course, they joined the Angmarim - but how many were misled, how many forced to fight? Could we have saved them, with time and work?
I am scared of the way ahead... not for myself, nor for the fight or pain... I am scared of losing myself in the slaughter. I cried for every man we slew that day - I know we had to do it, and I hope that it was eventually for the right cause, but I cannot help wishing that with time, we could have saved them. They are not creatures of darkness, like the Orcs.
Much as we could not save the tainted trees in the gardens, our need for a swift strike was too great and our mission too urgent. What does it help us Edhel to have eternity, if things must still be decided in the nick of time? We are not more privileged than the mortal peoples in this matter. There is a time when the seed must be planted, or the harvest brought in. We cannot ignore this even with our power.
But the Lords still sit in their halls, delaying their counsel. What knowledge do they have and not share, why do they refuse so steadfastly to take up arms against the enemy? We have been delaying for too long, and the storm is already upon us on many fronts. Soon we will not have a choice any more, for it will come to us, in our own lands.
Do they feel the same as I do? Afraid to send their own people into danger and perhaps death, for a cause that they perhaps already see as lost? Are we heading into darkness and all our efforts are in vain, for no matter whether we win or lose, our innocence will be lost?
But no - for even as the way ahead scares me, I have found new hope... a glimpse of the future in brightness, beyond the coming storm. Before, I was going into darkness headlong. Now I know of a future, though I do not know how far away it is, or how hard the path. Perhaps this hope can give me the strength I need, and the wisdom to see the necessary.
Does this make me stronger or weaker? I do not know.
Hope... it is a double-edged sword. It makes us strong, but it also may keep us from performing our duties, making us hesitate at that crucial moment where fate hangs in the balance. It can blind us to necessity, make us take the safe path instead of the bold. We cling to the hope that bad things can be solved without us having to soil our own hands for it. I must remember this, and not fall into this trap.
Yet I am glad for it. I cannot deny this - I have found an answer to a question I did not know I was asking, and I thank the fates for it. Were it not for this hope, I would still stand against the shadow - but knowing the end we fight for is a good thing, for I did not know it before. And perhaps it does make me bolder as well, for I know that even as we fight, the shadow shall not touch us.
I am not facing the shadow alone. My friends are with me. I do not need to lead anyone, for they are with me of their own will. And we shall not fall, we shall stand against it and weather the storm.
There are dark times ahead, but after the shadow there will be sun.
