How quickly the years pass... I can still vividly recall the first day I returned in Pelargir, after having extracted my vengeance upon Black Tide. That was five years ago. Tonight, I became twenty three summers old. So many things have happened, so many situations have come to pass... How can I still remember them all, while all this time trying so hard to forget? Why am I unable to forget the things that have happened, the things that I have made to happen? My past, stuck on me, like a leech on a healthy man's flesh...
So many deaths I have caused... Dozens and dozens of people I have killed. I remember every single one of them, their faces, their names, the ways in which I ended their lives. I see them still, every night, when I try to sleep... Staring at me with their cold, lifeless eyes, silent, yet their expressions covering the lack of words... Still I regret nothing. All of them, down to the last man, woman, or child, deserved to die. I have never doubted my actions, nor will I ever doubt them in the future. I did what I had to do. Let people think it was for vengeance, for justice, for bloodlust, for no reason at all... I care not.
And so I sit here now, in a dusty room of some lowly tavern, with cheap alcohol keeping me company, and a harlot whose name I shall never know, sleeping soundly on the bed behind me... It has been this way, ever since the night I killed her. My crashing course to self destruction began that night, and even now, one year later, I find myself sinking deeper and deeper by each passing night... In miserable taverns or wealthy mansions, drinking warm ale or elegant wine, in the company of lowly prostitutes or noble maidens... There is no difference at all. Each passing day, I find it increasingly hard to be able to feel, to enjoy, to find a meaning and a cause in this behavior... And the harder it gets, the harder I try. More alcohol, more intoxicating substances, more women... While, all this time, I know that none of this will ever bring me joy, relief, happiness. And it has been a long time since I last killed someone because he deserved it... Now, I hunt only because I enjoy it. And I can see myself starting to enjoy each kill more than the last...
Sometimes, though rarely, I sit idly, looking back at my life, and I cannot help but wonder... How did it take such a turn? Was it because of my mother's death, and my oath to find and kill the man who was responsible? Was it because, in my ultimate devotion to accomplish that goal, I gradually became almost addictive to killing?... Maybe. But for one thing I am sure. No matter what change was imminent, no matter what the future held for me, things would undoubtedly be different today, had it not been for her. For Helena... For it was she who made me the monster I have become, it was she who, with her tortures, and her betrayals, and her perfectly orchestrated actions, led my hand to end her, and along her, my humanity...
People say that life is the most essential school, the best teacher... I wonder... What has life taught me? Loss? Pain? Suffering? Slavery? Betrayal? Torture?... What an awesome teacher, indeed... But in the end, if there is one thing I have learned most, that is survival. I have managed to face up to all these hardships and, in the end, I am still alive. If this state can be called a life, that I know not. What I certainly know is that, I have endured. And even to this day, when things look like they cannot get any darker, I still have the will to fight, to endure, to survive. And I feel that I have the duty to teach what I was taught. Loss, pain, suffering, betrayal, torture... The world shall be taught about all these things. Maybe then, they will start to understand that the things they take for granted, the things they pay no attention to, are indeed the most valued things on this earth. And, those that survive, might realise how much power they have within them, that is unkown to them...
The world will suffer, just as I had to suffer... That is my wish... And her wish.
[Originally written by the player of Crow (Derakoth)]
