I am not really sure what to think right now, it's been a confusing day. I spent the first half of my day with Corrben and it was lovely. I spend the other half of my day with Corrben, and it was awful.
I had caught him staring at this woman, which was already bad enough. He came to talk to me and I cannot count how many times I saw him glance back to her. She was pretty and pretty open, and not to mention that she had a voice. I don't know about you, journal, but that sounds far better than a silent, closed off girl who can't talk to you. "What does she see in him?" He had asked. Talking about his sister, yeah, right. He was talking about her and I am sure of it. He seems to be very jealous of him, the man that appeared to be with that woman, I don't care how much he denies it, and I saw his blush when she had said he was handsome or whatever she had said.
Perhaps Corrben is rethinking about his decision to be with me. I know it's a horrible thing to think but I really do wonder if it's true. At least he admitted to me that he had looked at her, but I could not stay. I left him at the Pony for I was sure I would start crying and I did not want him to see.
I'm home now, and I hate to admit that I did start to cry, but at least he cannot see it. He probably would think it is silly. There is also something I will write for my eyes only, and it is that I get scared when he drinks. I saw it today when he had brandy, and he scared me at home. And then in the Pony, it's like his entire attitude changed after he had been drinking, and it scared me again. It was not like him that I know, and I do not like it. I don't feel as if I can ask him to stop, for when has that ever worked for any woman?
I am not sure what to think right now. I am confused and my heart hurts. I do not look at another man the way he did, for Corrben is enough for me, so why would he look at another woman, if I am enough for him? That makes me think that I am not enough, and something is missing. And the part of me in the back of my head keeps chiming in that the missing part is my voice.
There's no point in pondering this all night, or I will end up crying for hours without end. I should probably get some sleep now.
With love, Tosie.
