One foot in the door and one out. That is how I feel tonight. It is most peculiar. In one sense I am glad to be with these people as detached as I feel. I'm not certain mentally I was prepared for what transpired. Sworn in officially now, a company member. I even have my own sigil. No, all I sought was Taala funnily enough as I needed to blow off some steam but not in the sense that you might think, poor reader. In truth, impulse aside I have no time for dalliances. Utterly meaningless as they are. No, I just needed to lift off some of the burdens upon my shoulders but it was not to be. Tonight was a night for smiling, and trying to appear as least awkward as possible when it feels like the freedom and independence I have maintained for so long is slipping through my fingers.
It is nothing personal towards those who have taken me in. Skelcar who I was to swiftly find out was the Dawn's spy-master seemed a capable enough individual and I could see myself working with. I'm staying well away from the interpersonal drama he has with his missus. Mind. The one thing that is just even more bother to my already uncertain head is this development between Eroforth and Taala. He seems a likeable enough chap from the interactions we have had and I have observed but I must admit it has thrown me a little and I do not feel entirely comfortable. Appropriate measures of restraint will be taken. I had never thought Taala was the type to commit. Surely I would have never gone there myself as I fear I would be too possessive. So I did as I must, I smiled, I nodded in the right places. All the while dark thoughts swirl in my mind. It is exhausting, being me. I look back but a few pages in this scarcely scribbled in book. Reading my words, Lamenting the loss of belonging I used to feel as a boy. Will this feel the same? Is there any place in this world I can find that would be acceptable.
I didn't have much time to think, the hall soon filled up. Next thing I know the insufferably arrogant Blince Kolten walks through the door. I used to like the man but the more I hear about him the more I don't. And I used to think Tylan was the obnoxious one. The young Hawthorn was certainly far more humble of late.
Blince hurt my friend Wrenna. Now Wrenna was the grave-diggers daughter and once upon a time was very charmed by me. I could not play her, I said at the time I was only on the market for fun and I knew Wrenna wasn't interested in base carnal lust unless there was something more in it. Which is why I knew, I knew that Blince had to have lead her on just to empty his balls. Rather than have the humility to admit it, He insisted that she was looking for the same thing as he was which I know to be a downright lie. I have made mistakes in the past, I own them and I make amends for them. So I said to him, I would kindly request you don't play with my friends hearts again which I don't think was entirely unreasonable. It reads well. But then he stormed off, he doesn't accept thinly veiled threats apparently and he in such a high and mighty tone said he didn't see it his perogative to have to explain himself to me.
Violence was not my intention nor the implication of it though I could have quite cheerfully tripped the man up on his way down. He may be an experienced warrior but I am not afraid of him. I could have ended him where he stood with one or two carefully placed techniques before he even saw it coming. If it hadn't suited my purpose for too long to deliberately create an impression so that men such as him do underestimate my qualities I would have shown him there and then that being the better conventional fighter matters little and I would not have cared who saw me. Still, it doesn't do well to make enemies. That is why I do not seek them. I'll consider my point made and be amicable towards him. Rise above it, so to speak.
A diplomatic quality some could do with learning if they weren't so busy puffing their chests out. He is paying my new-found friends a rather pretty price to look out for the well-being of his daughter after all. I feel sorry for her. Though she seems sweet and not the conniving bitch that is Tailia. I do wonder as to the state of this company since Hardoleth's death but I think it will survive. I recently found out that Aemalia had dissappeared of her own accord before even meeting Taala. Something I very much hoped to prevent, but the poor girl was mentally scarred. I feel like I have failed her because of it. Can I absolve my conscience of this. All of what happened to her. No girl should have had to suffer such a raw deal. Stuck between a rock and a hard place as she. How many more troubles can a man possibly have? I swore an oath to her father I would keep her safe, I would keep Taala safe. Damn it all! I did reconcile with Master Gungur over a pint, makes no sense to maintain grudges long term and I needed to break the ice. He seemed to enjoy our chat. Lots of known faces seem to have moved on. Always happens when I've been away. I've not spoken much of Gondor. Marvellous time though it was. I think I have returned a little colder than I once was.
So what else can I talk about, the baby eats, it sleeps, and shits. I have a sick woman currently occupying my bed who doesn't seem to be improving. I tend to her as I still care for her in a way. I would say all I need is to find a lass with a good sense of humour and a bottle of mead to warm another bed for the evening. And Taala can no longer fulfill that. But increasingly I find the thrill of the chase to become somewhat boring. I believe it might even be showing. I think even the whores who I pay have noticed a change in my demeanour. I do technically have business with the Dawn I could validate a visit for as an excuse to go to the brothel. Perhaps I shall. I do have an urge to visit Cryptic Ciry. Purely for entertainment. She's not good for much else. Women with a darker vibe such as Anyaris and her do have a certain allure even if nothing will come of it. Not wholly satisfying. Anyaris, she scratched and bit like an Alley cat after months of indifferent sarcasm as she laid with me. I still have the bruises. But I didn't mind so much. I'm going to have to have words with myself. Stay away, even. I need to lose myself in my work. I've been offered work. Seaver's who sit on their hands idle do bastards sire. I had a premoniton after the couple of years I've had of ending up like a certain mister Kolten. And my father, and Hardoleth. Bastards, bastards everywhere. I'm a bastard myself. The bastard father of bastards. Stopping now won't undo the damage already done. I will take a walk into town as my son is sleeping. Give one or two snide and malicious gossips a wave if the other day is anything to go by. I cannot pinpoint exactly who it is that mutters behind my back but I have an idea.
