Had another test today, leastwise I think that’s what it were, where Éogar asked me lots of questions rather than putting me to work, and I suppose now it’s clear I did poor again. He tells me I shouldn’t be discouraged though, but it’s hard to think what I’m going for to do next.
After the test we went for a little quiet ride out in the grasslands. He commented how sometimes when the sun’s right he can look out over the plains and almost think he’s back in Rohan. Asked if I ever felt that way. I wish I did. I told him I could see the resemblance, but I never feel like I’m in the Mark out there. To me, especially these days, the Mark is not so much about the wind in the grass, and more about the people there, about family and friends, about feeling welcome.
Then he told me that I do better than I think at most of what he thunk as he had for to teach me. That I know foaling, caring for the dam and the foal, the birthing itself, well enough that there’s near to nothing he had to teach. That part I can believe. Never saw what the big deal was anyway. Animals mostly do that their own selves. And he says that I am better than I realize at training horses. That part is harder to believe. He says that there’s a lot of things that are part of training that I don’t even know I know, since they’re wove into the way I treat the horses. That I got a balance atween being strong and firm with them, and caring for and about them. Says it’s no surprise considering I were apprentice to Miss Brynleigh, and that there’s not much more he can teach me about it. I feel like if someone brung me a colt and told me to train it I wouldn’t know where to start. Maybe he's just trying to soften the blow.
And then there’s all there is to breeding, the art of studying bloodlines and legacies, figuring your way through so many rules and tricks and techniques, and choosing the right sire and dam. That’s the part I keep not getting. I just can’t keep enough in my head at once. If I really work at it with the books, I might get the right answer on one thing, but it feels like that makes me lose what I learned about everything else. And he admitted he don’t think I am ever going to learn it.
“But being a journeyman isn’t about being good at everything in the trade,” he said. “It’s about trying everything in the trade, so you can find out which things are your strengths and which are not, so you can focus on the strengths.” And he told me he thunk as ostlery, the running of a stable and caring for the horses of other folk what visit, is my strength. “What an ostler needs is a particular mix. You have to care, really care, about the horses, and be dedicated to doing a good job. You need to be affable, friendly, since you deal not just with the horses but with their riders. You need to be good at setting in mind all the things that need to be done, and then doing them all, so nothing gets lost. Most of all, you need to be steadfast and trustworthy. People are giving over their horse to you and they need to be sure that it’ll be well cared for and kept safe in your hands. You have everything you need to make them believe it. And it’ll be true, too, so you’ll get a reputation as dependable.”
Well, I got to admit that as much as he tells me I shouldn’t be disappointed at failing to learn what he set out to teach me, it is a hurt to think on. But I am glad to think that maybe there’s something I could be good at. Now I don’t know what to do next. He says I’m welcome to stay on at the farm as long as I like, but he also says as I ought to be looking for something else, for my own sake, on account there’s nearly nothing more as he can teach me. He says as he’ll ask the other guild-masters of Bree-land if anyone needs a new journeyman, or what else as I can do. But he says I should be trying to find things on my own. That’s the part I don’t know if I can bear. Going into town and talking to folk, the thought of it fills me with dread. Bree don't treat me like I belong there and too much hurt has come from trying to fit in and failing. More and more I dream of begging the Thane to let me back to where I got family, though I know he won't. Maybe it's best I just stay on my own somewhere quiet and away from folk.
