Found:
Everything aches. I'm in jail. An inauspicious start to the day. Bloody Bree-landers and their backwater superstitions! A few foreign words - what language was it, anyway? I'm not sure it matters - from a foreign mouth and I'm kept confined whilst the man who was apparently kicking my rear gets sent home to sleep it off! Typical.
But that's neither here nor there now, is it? That's just what is. I need to figure out what was.
Where did this start? Think Rajana, think.
Ah, yes, the woods. We were talking about... a lot of things. I got spooked. I backed off, and then regretted doing so. No, that's not quite true, is it? I'd gotten spooked a while before that and had been trying to keep everything under wraps. It's just that I admitted that to him when I probably shouldn't have. That's what I regretted.
Further back than that. I told you, didn't I? You didn't listen then. You're doing it again. Trying to be too many different things, trying to be what they want. That's where it started.
You're not wrong. That had been an added pressure. Is that why you've been so...?
Yes. Being weak again. I hate your weakness.
My apologies, then. I should have paid more attention. You might consider that lesson learned now. But... wait... did you...?
Oh, no. This one wasn't my doing. That was all you.
Very well. So...
I was trying to be different things. Listening to too many conflicting pieces of advice and trying to follow them all. Talk, don't talk. Be more gentle, but don't be more gentle. Fit in, be nice, play nice, listen, but don't do that either. Put my foot down hard, but be soft about it. It goes on and on, confusing things further. I do what he says, I get ranted at for not doing it differently.
Seeing a pattern here?
It's not like that, as well you know. He's just trying to understand something that he's never experienced, probably never even seen before, and I'm probably not explaining very well. He's trying. It's more than most would do.
You're making excuses for him.
And you're stirring the pot. I'll listen, but that doesn't mean I have to agree. Anyway, what came next?
A few days for thought. Overthinking. Trying to get things straight again. There was clarity for a while. I enjoyed that. Not so much the being ranted at part, but being able to think straight and talk it out was nice. Then we went to look for Clothillde. She's safe, she's alright, that's good. An easy one for a change.
Talking, joking, laughing and then... the tooth. It seemed to have some meaning, though I'm not quite sure what it is and he was vague as ever. Then she came, and that was nice too, at first. I do like seeing her, speaking with her. Then he started in again. Goading about things we'd already discussed privately that he now wanted me to explain in front of someone else. That got my back up. Pulling her in on it. I changed the subject, but rather than take the hint, he went right back to it. Cornered. Demanded of. That's how it felt. Uncomfortable, yes, but not for the reasons they accuse me of. Jab, jab, jab. Even after I said, "enough," he continued. So, I bit back.
I think I overreacted.
Not at all. I'd have said far worse! They deserved far worse.
Ah, thank you for confirming it. But what then?
I went for a drink. I needed one. For the first time in a long time, I really needed a drink. I tried to calm myself, speaking nicely with nice people, pushing it all aside until I was calm again, but... then she came after me, expecting me to apologise for somehow hurting her by snapping at him. Further arguments. Things I can't explain. Things I tried to get through to her, which I probably didn't. She then seemed somehow more upset that it wasn't about her. I don't understand people sometimes.
So, more drinks. I think I switched from mulled wine to just wine at some point. That would explain how wretched I feel today. Then.... something happened, Something to do with a man getting too close. I didn't want that right then. I just wanted to drink in peace. Pressing, more pressing, another one who ignored it when I said enough. Is that right?
You told him to back off. He got handsy.
So, I... hit him in the face with the goblet. Knocked out at least one tooth. I don't remember much after that. Biting, scratching, punches and kicks. There was shouting. It's blurry. I don't remember the guardsmen coming.
Those are the facts. What about the conclusions?
There is the immediate, of course. The bruises and whatnot. I should probably put off my climb until the swelling in my eye goes down at least. Then there is the less immediate. The feelings and the fallout.
I lashed out. That's on me. That was my choice. I could have been calmer about it. I could have suppressed things as I usually do and given it a moments thought instead of just reacting to a perceived attack. Was it really one, or did it just feel that way in the moment?
Calm descends when morning comes, even if it did come with a whole host of contusions and now I wonder if things really were as they seemed. I bit back, yes. Hard. But should I have bitten at all? Does it even matter now? It's broken. I've broken it. I'm not sure it can be fixed this time. But I should at least try.
It's the right thing to do, isn't it? Make amends for mistakes, especially the big ones.
You're being weak again.
No, I'm not. Not this time. He wanted to talk to you, you know. Just you alone. I'm not sure it's a good idea. I'm not sure he'd even want to now. But... maybe you should. Maybe I just need a little rest, a break from all the fighting within and without. Do you want to?
That could be fun.
That worries me all the more. Regardless, it will need to wait a little longer. I'd rather try to make my apologies before you burn it all down again.
Now, to figure out how.
